My sister and mother want a particular response when they give gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stress comes over me when they give gifts to my kids. If they don't get an enthusiastic over the top thank you, they are disappointed.

My sister doesn't have kids of her own and really wants to play the part of generous aunt. She really tries too hard.

I can do my best to encourage thank you notes, but can I really force a particular outcome?

My sister is also really big on "score keeping" with gifts with friends etc. - so toxic....

I really wish they wouldn't give gifts at all

Their gift giving is about making themselves look good, not making your kids happy.

They probably feel quite a bit of disappointment in their lives.

Rather than sitting around uncomfortably after the gifts are opened and the kids have said thank you, jump up and ask if they'd like a piece of coffee cake or a Diet Coke and no matter what they say, go and get one for yourself. When you get back, new subject of conversation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have this exact same problem with my MIL, it is part of a personality disorder. I, too, dread when she gets me or my children a gift because there is no amount of appreciation that will ever be enough. In fact, I've come to see that nothing is ever "enough" for her. No one can do enough so I've stopped trying.

Now it rolls off my back when she rails on about how nobody appreciates her, my children don't thank her sufficiently, etc. As the saying goes "not my circus, not my monkeys". In other words, this isn't my problem and I'm not going to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I put a lot of thought into a gift and it hurts my feelings if the person doesn't like it. Though my sister and her husband are fairly well off and whatever they give my niece and nephew will be way cooler than anything I could think of/afford. So I've stopped trying, and I just give something small like a game or a book.

But I like to show my love through gifts - and it's not a money thing - but if I give someone a gift that I bought when I was traveling in a foreign country six months ago - that demonstrates that I am always thinking of them! You know? And I really appreciate similar thoughtfulness from others.

[Anonymous]

My mother is totally like this and always has been. She still will overwhelm us (and the kids) with gifts and then as we are still opening will start saying "Do you like it? I had it specially made/ordered/customized, etc. etc. etc." and continue to essentially beg for praise and thanks all.day.long It's exhausting and totally takes the joy out of getting the gifts b/c I feel like I have to go over the top with enthusiasm with every gift I receive (same for my kids). But that's just the way it is. So I've accepted it and am sometimes a little sarcastic if she asks too many times if I like it "yes Mom, it is THE most FANTASTIC gift I have EVER received in my life, which is why I have already said thank you 17 times". Immature I know but it usually is enough to make her realize she is being annoying and she stops for the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Contributing to the college fund is the biggest gift of all...

But since they're all out to impress little kids, somehow I don't think they'll take to that.

When I was growing up, my aunt purchased savings bonds (this was in the 1960's and 1970's)... $100 for Purim, $100 on my Birthday and $100 for Xmas (My dad is Protestant, My Mom was Jewish)

I forgot to complete my reply: when I headed to college, those bonds helped cover a lot of my education. These gifts for me were an even greater financial gift for my parents

What a lovely gift from your aunt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

Holy shit! You have problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

Holy shit! You have problems.

I think YOU have problems if you read yourself into PP's post. It was actually well written and perfectly described narcissists thought process behind gift giving.

PP wasn't saying all gift givers who like giving gifts are narcissists. If this isn't you, ignore this post. By reacting, you look like a nut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is totally like this and always has been. She still will overwhelm us (and the kids) with gifts and then as we are still opening will start saying "Do you like it? I had it specially made/ordered/customized, etc. etc. etc." and continue to essentially beg for praise and thanks all.day.long It's exhausting and totally takes the joy out of getting the gifts b/c I feel like I have to go over the top with enthusiasm with every gift I receive (same for my kids). But that's just the way it is. So I've accepted it and am sometimes a little sarcastic if she asks too many times if I like it "yes Mom, it is THE most FANTASTIC gift I have EVER received in my life, which is why I have already said thank you 17 times". Immature I know but it usually is enough to make her realize she is being annoying and she stops for the moment.

My mother has always been like this too. After decades of this I hate receiving gifts. I like to give gifts but my spouse and closest friends know I do not want to receive them. Spouse helps our child pick our Mother's Day presents for me and of course I love them (framed photos etc) but it makes me very anxious to get them from anyone else. It's freaking crazy to use a gift as leverage to force someone to praise you, shower attention on you, and show interest in your shopping process. It's not generosity - it's the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, this sounds totally exhausting. Is there some way you can bring up the topic with them, say that while you appreciate the gifts, they don't have to focus on the gifts themselves, but what you really want is their company?

Old cliche comes from party invitations comes to mind: "we don't want your presents but we do want your presence."

Can you translate this somehow?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is a fine thread for me to complain that my brother told me my 3 year old nephew didn't like the puzzle toy I gave him as a birthday gift.

Not in a response to me asking how nephew likes the gift. Brother just voluntarily shared "he doesn't like the gift you got him." Not that I would care or be offended by nephew, because three year olds gonna three year old. But my brother is a complete asshole for just voluntarily putting that out there.

[Anonymous]

I have a SIL who was like this. She would buy (usually an inappropriate) gift. Clothes that wouldn't fit for five years.. stuff like that. Then when she didn't get an over the top response she asked if she should return it since ds didn't like it.

At one point I said "You know what? That might be a good idea. It will be years before he can use this as it is."

She didn't buy him anything for a few years, even if we were together at Christmas. She told numerous family members it was because ds was unappreciative.

OP, let your family members know that your kids DO appreciate the gifts, and their responses are normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

Narcissist is an extremely over-used term on this forum.

It is an actual disorder and also associated with Borderline Personality Disorder
https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000934.htm
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0015312/

But a personal acting selfishly once in a while is a far cry from someone being a narcissist. You obviously have deep seated issues about his PP, but don't let your experience color everything. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

OP, you encourage and prompt your children to be polite and say thank you when they receive a gift. You can't control the disappointment of others if they didn't get the reaction they hoped for, so don't even try. If they feel slighted, that's their deal. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, what is the deal with calling everybody a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

Holy shit! You have problems.

I think YOU have problems if you read yourself into PP's post. It was actually well written and perfectly described narcissists thought process behind gift giving.

PP wasn't saying all gift givers who like giving gifts are narcissists. If this isn't you, ignore this post. By reacting, you look like a nut.

First of all narcissits are people with a mental illness. This is just a normal screwed up family dynamic. Sounds like gift giver is manipulative and receiver is passive aggresive.