Petty complaint about a friend and her family

[Anonymous]

My closest friend has lived with her family most of her life and is very close to them. (Parent, siblings) sometimes when we make plans she invites them along without asking or informing me.

I like them, and don't mind spending time with them. But sometimes I'd rather just see her. Today I changed my morning plans to meet her for brunch and as I'm approaching the location (convenient to her), she says "we're walking over." Who is we? Your mother? Your sister?

Ugh. I know it's petty. It's just really annoying.

[Anonymous]

That would annoy me, as well. Any way you can mention that you would like a time with just her?

[Anonymous]

That would annoy me too. I'd tell her, alone, "want to go to see The Intern? Just you and me, no moms or second cousins or anything?" Hopefully she laughs and gets it.

[Anonymous]

How old is your friend?

[Anonymous]

That is weird and annoying.

[Anonymous]

We're mid twenties ... Closer to the later side of that range

[Anonymous]

At some point when you are talking with her, without her family around, just let her know that while you enjoy spending time with her family that you would like her to explicitly let you know when she wants to bring her family along because sometimes you'd like to just spend time with her. If she says "I'd like to bring mom and Suzie along," you'll have the chance to say "Can it just be the two of us today?" or "Oh okay, that sounds nice. I'll see you in a half an hour."

[Anonymous]

That's pretty clueless of her. Gently let her know that while you like her family, SHE is your friend and you'd like a heads up if she's thinking of asking to include her family in your plans, so that you have the choice to opt out.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I agree with you op. But do you like her family? As you get older, sometimes it is nice to have close family friends. I am not married and in my late thirties and it would be nice to be close to a family.

Maybe you should put this friend in a different category of friend - accept that she and her family are a package deal.

[Anonymous]

I've broken up with friends because of this. Not exactly their family but their other friends. Sometimes, you don't want every person in your friend's life involved in your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. I agree with you op. But do you like her family? As you get older, sometimes it is nice to have close family friends. I am not married and in my late thirties and it would be nice to be close to a family.

Maybe you should put this friend in a different category of friend - accept that she and her family are a package deal.

I like her family , but I don't always want to hang out with her mom. Every once in a while? Sure. If I know I'm advance. I get more bothered when we haven't seen each other in awhile and then she brings people unannounced. When you want to catch up on personal things, and then someone's mom is there...

I don't really want to put her in another category and accept it, because she's one of my closest friends. I need to talk to her, just don't want her to take it the wrong way. I know she considers me like one of her sisters, so I think she just feels like anyone can be invited all the time... When sometimes I'd rather it just be us!

Thanks for the helpful words

[Anonymous]

strange friend

[Anonymous]

Could she be uncomfortable with your 1-1 conversations?

[Anonymous]

Are you a whiner? Do you complain a lot? Are you boring? Do you have any other character trait that would require another person to act as a buffer?

I do this to one of my friends. I would never tell her this but, the truth is she is really boring.

She's very nice and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. I would feel really guilty if I kept turning down her invitations. So I bring a second person for back up to keep the conversation going so I am not the only one talking all the time. To inject lighthearted conversation when she drifts too far down the road discussing how to save the poor little starving children in China or wherever. She also likes to talk about her spiritual journey, spiritual retreats and her spiritual energy and whatnot. I can do the whole metaphysical thing for an hour or two but not all evening.

At times, I have to focus on very serious things at work which might explain my aversion to doing it during my time off. Or maybe I'm just not a good friend. I don't know. I try to be. I honestly don't know how else to keep the friendship going and I know she doesn't have a ton of friends in this area, she's single and no kids so I think it's important to include her whenever I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. I agree with you op. But do you like her family? As you get older, sometimes it is nice to have close family friends. I am not married and in my late thirties and it would be nice to be close to a family.

Maybe you should put this friend in a different category of friend - accept that she and her family are a package deal.

I like her family , but I don't always want to hang out with her mom. Every once in a while? Sure. If I know I'm advance. I get more bothered when we haven't seen each other in awhile and then she brings people unannounced. When you want to catch up on personal things, and then someone's mom is there...

I don't really want to put her in another category and accept it, because she's one of my closest friends. I need to talk to her, just don't want her to take it the wrong way. I know she considers me like one of her sisters, so I think she just feels like anyone can be invited all the time... When sometimes I'd rather it just be us!

Thanks for the helpful words

I just wrote the post asking if perhaps you were boring. It sounds like you are family not just friends. You might just have to tell her bluntly that you need to see her privately. Then when you are alone, explain that you need one on one time. It's no big deal. Even people in families need to have one on one time. That's why they have father-daughter day, etc. I'm sure she'll understand. Good luck.