How did you get over it?

[Anonymous]

If you were raised by abusive and/or neglectful parents, how did you move on? I'm still struggling with feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity, fear, anger, bitterness, etc. and just want to move on with my life and not be plagued with these feelings. I tried therapy (for years, in my late teens and early twenties) and medication as well, though it has been a while. I look forward to learning what others in similar situations have done. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

First, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know how rough it is. I was raised by VERY self-absorbed, shaming, neglectful parents.

It's always going to be somewhat of a struggle, but for me a big turning point was recognizing that my mother is incapable of giving me the love I'd been craving.
We are still in contact, but now it is very limited contact (my choice).

Are you still in contact with your parents? If you are still in regular, frequent contact, that is going to make recovery difficult.

Once you accept that your parents are broken, I think you might find it easier to let go of the anger and bitterness. At least it was for me.

Once the anger and bitterness went away, I could concentrate on affirming myself. I could stop feeling jealous of happy families and just accept that life is crazy. I missed out on some things, but I've also been very lucky in some ways. I could move to an attitude of gratitude while also giving myself self-compassion for the important things I did not receive.

Moving out of the anger and bitterness doesn't eliminate the pain altogether by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a KEY step, because it will help you move on. It will help you to attract healthy, whole people into your life. And developing new relationships with healthy people is lifesaving. But you won't be able to do it until you accept what happened to you. Easier said than done, believe me I know.

OP, it's a long road. The pain will never completely go away. Think of it a bit like a physical disability. Remind yourself that life is unpredictable and weird, no one is "owed" anything, your parents are broken (not evil), you might not fully recover but you can be a better person, you can grow.

Also, are you involved now in any additional unhealthy relationships? Friendships or romantic relationships? You'll have to keep an eye out for those, because people from unhealthy homes can very easily get trapped in a cycle of abusive relationships (or become abusers themselves).

What books have you read on this topic?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it ever fully goes away.

Some more therapy might help, now, as an adult, because he world around you and how you interact with it is very different than in your teens and early 20s.

For me, for who I am, I don't ever expect the scars to go away. So I try to embrace them (although I'm not always successful). I am resourceful, strong, independent, and resilient for what I've had to overcome. No one, and nothing, can take that away. I try to meditate / affirm this to myself daily - along with the the fact that the past is the past and I never have to go back. All I can do is live my best life today, in the way that I choose for myself.

[Anonymous]

Very limited contact with my abusive father helped me tremendously. I also finally realized that I don't forgive him and that I don't have to until I'm ready, if that day ever comes. In the past, I've heard many things like, "If you don't forgive, you're just giving that person power over you to make you feel angry and sad," but that hasn't been the case for me at all -- finally admitting that I'm not ready to forgive gave me the freedom to focus on fixing myself instead of worrying about forgiving him.

I also finally let go of caring what he thinks of me AND about caring about his life. My father is an alcoholic, and after years of sobriety started drinking again about 5 years ago and is now in a very bad place, and he has no actual interest in getting better...and I finally had to make the decision to just not care. My sibling will fret over the fact that our father will kill himself with alcohol but I just have to shrug and say, "If he does, that's on him." I can't devote any more emotional energy to his life and well-being (or lack thereof). Nor can I care if he wants to be critical of my life decisions. I recently told him some big news from my life and his reaction was not great -- and in the past, it would have shattered me, but this time I was able to hang up the phone and laugh about it with my spouse. I just honestly do not care if he wants to be an asshole to me. His loss, not mine.

Then, I started setting up appropriate boundaries in my own life for the first time ever. I found friends and a spouse who build me up and with whom I feel genuinely comfortable, and not like I'm putting on a show or doing a song and dance to convince them to stay friends with me. I've cut out relationships that made me feel weak and small and apologetic. I started exercising and eating healthy to help me be comfortable in my own skin. I dress better so I feel good about my physical appearance when I look in the mirror. I formed my own spiritual and political identities apart from what my family imposed on me. I got a great career and a beautiful home.

Are the scars still there? Of course. But now I accept them as part of who I am and not as something to overcome. I allow myself to struggle and to have failures from time to time. (Something my abusive father never would have accepted -- I NEVER could have been allowed to FAIL.) I just embrace who I am, scars and all, and I cherish the fact that I've created a life with good people in it who love me for who I am, and with whom I am not ashamed to admit that I have weaknesses.

Not sure how helpful any of this is for you. I wish you all the very best in your journey.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Great insight in that book and how to find yourself and be respected.

I also recommend the book "manifesto For a New Medicine" by James Samuel Gordon

[Anonymous]

I could have been OP with my abusive mother. Thank you for all the posts. This is encouraging.