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[quote=Anonymous]Very limited contact with my abusive father helped me tremendously.  I also finally realized that I don't forgive him and that I don't have to until I'm ready, if that day ever comes.  In the past, I've heard many things like, "If you don't forgive, you're just giving that person power over you to make you feel angry and sad," but that hasn't been the case for me at all -- finally admitting that I'm not ready to forgive gave me the freedom to focus on fixing myself instead of worrying about forgiving him.

I also finally let go of caring what he thinks of me AND about caring about his life.  My father is an alcoholic, and after years of sobriety started drinking again about 5 years ago and is now in a very bad place, and he has no actual interest in getting better...and I finally had to make the decision to just not care.  My sibling will fret over the fact that our father will kill himself with alcohol but I just have to shrug and say, "If he does, that's on him."  I can't devote any more emotional energy to his life and well-being (or lack thereof).  Nor can I care if he wants to be critical of my life decisions.  I recently told him some big news from my life and his reaction was not great -- and in the past, it would have shattered me, but this time I was able to hang up the phone and laugh about it with my spouse.  I just honestly do not care if he wants to be an asshole to me.  His loss, not mine.

Then, I started setting up appropriate boundaries in my own life for the first time ever.  I found friends and a spouse who build me up and with whom I feel genuinely comfortable, and not like I'm putting on a show or doing a song and dance to convince them to stay friends with me.  I've cut out relationships that made me feel weak and small and apologetic.  I started exercising and eating healthy to help me be comfortable in my own skin.  I dress better so I feel good about my physical appearance when I look in the mirror.  I formed my own spiritual and political identities apart from what my family imposed on me.  I got a great career and a beautiful home.

Are the scars still there?  Of course.  But now I accept them as part of who I am and not as something to overcome.  I allow myself to struggle and to have failures from time to time.  (Something my abusive father never would have accepted -- I NEVER could have been allowed to FAIL.)  I just embrace who I am, scars and all, and I cherish the fact that I've created a life with good people in it who love me for who I am, and with whom I am not ashamed to admit that I have weaknesses.

Not sure how helpful any of this is for you.  I wish you all the very best in your journey.[/quote]

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