In laws never interested in our kids, SIL/BILs inconsiderate/rude

[Anonymous]

Its very sad, but true. My in laws love our kids, I am sure, but they pay no attention to them, never call them (they live far away) or otherwise try and communicate with them, never come visit, and basically never express any interest in them. Our kids are little, and they get lots of attention from my family, which is great, but of course cannot replace not having a real substantive relationship with their other grandparents. I've tried so hard to cultivate this relationship - I send my in laws pictures (which they ignore or don't respond to), we try calling (they dont call back or barely speak to the children) etc. I feel so sick of trying, but I keep wanting to do this for my kids. It just seems so pathetic.

What's worse, my SIL now has children, and they get lots of attention from her parents. I don't know of this stems from favoritism for her over DH, or what. Our children are kind and loving to their grandparents; I just don't understand it.

To add to this, my SIL and BIL - both of whom I really like - can be really inconsiderate and even rude. We invite them to things and they never reply. They NEVER reciprocate. And now that they have kids of their own they really don't care about our kids, despite the fact that we babysit and pay attention to their kids.

I probably sound like a whiner. I have a great family and I actually really like DH's family. This may be a question with no answer, but what should I do? Nothing? There is probably nothing I can do, but its hurtful and I am confused. Do I just not think about it/care and just move on? What would you do?

Thanks

[Anonymous]

Why do you like SIL and BIL? They don't sound very considerate. At any rate, are their positive traits and your commitment to being in their kids' lives worth the unequal relationship you currently have with them? If it's not - and that's totally reasonable - then you need to renegotiate the terms, knowing that it's likely that the result will be less presence in their lives in and the lives of their children. Scale back the invitations and stop babysitting for them. If they ask you to babysit, tell them that you can't but reiterate an invite to something that would involve them and their kids. Maybe they will shape up. Maybe not.

There's nothing you do about DH's parents except give up on the idea of the kind of relationship you want with them. You have no bargaining chips here because they really don't care.

In general, I'd suggest not doing things that make you feel taken advantage of. They can't make you hold up an unequal part of a relationship. They may not even be noticing. If you stop, you will be happier. But if you decide doing your part is worth it, even if it's never going to be reciprocated the way you'd like, accepting that you are doing this of your own free will and you can stop at any time may make you feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

They are TELLING YOU through their actions, how they feel towards you and your family. LISTEN. Let it go. Focus on the people who DO want to be part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't know why you care at all. The fact is your ILs sound terrible and the fact that they don't want a relationship is good news-- your family and kids don't need to be subjected to their attitude. I would stop babysitting or doing favors for your ILs. Maybe send a card and taht's it.

Just stop. It sounds like your family dotes on your kids and they are having a positive grandparent relationship on that front.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all! I needed to hear this. I appreciate your advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't know why you care at all. The fact is your ILs sound terrible and the fact that they don't want a relationship is good news-- your family and kids don't need to be subjected to their attitude. I would stop babysitting or doing favors for your ILs. Maybe send a card and taht's it.

Just stop. It sounds like your family dotes on your kids and they are having a positive grandparent relationship on that front.

+1

Your MIL is similar to my MIL - apparently, SILs children "reign supreme". Laughable (and it is!) but it is what they have in their empty MIL heads, so there is no changing it. MIL is very cold and insular. Enjoy your family. If they are anything like my family, they are much more kind and much more fun than the ILs, that's for sure! Children figure things out before too long, they will have their own opinions. If that is how your MIL wants to be remembered by your side, then that is MILs own problem. It is out of your hand,s OP - you can not make your MIL be a decent human being.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, that's tough. FWIW, I think it's normal for there to be stronger ties with one side than the other. Communicate as often as you wish, show love as you wish, but try to let it go if they don't reciprocate. It is their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't know why you care at all. The fact is your ILs sound terrible and the fact that they don't want a relationship is good news-- your family and kids don't need to be subjected to their attitude. I would stop babysitting or doing favors for your ILs. Maybe send a card and taht's it.

Just stop. It sounds like your family dotes on your kids and they are having a positive grandparent relationship on that front.

I agree. I wouldn't go out of my way to pursue it. It's wonderful that they have other grandparents who can dote on them.