Counseling - outcomes/right fit

[Anonymous]

I struggle with (usually relatively mild) anxiety/depression. I have never taken anti-depressants, which I may consider. My life is really great in many ways - wonderful children, kind spouse, career/economic success, many friends, great schools and neighborhood for our children. Our children do seem to be happy and thriving, thank goodness. Most of the time I'm ok, but when I get in a funk, I can feel pretty dark - I'm in one now following a recent visit with my mother.

My parents divorced when I was young. My father had siblings commit suicide and I believe he has a mental illness of some sort. His behavior toward me reached a point where, as an adult, I needed to establish a boundary of no relationship. We have attempted to reconnect a couple of times but then things deteriorated and I concluded that I didn't want to expose my children to his behavior.

My mother isn't healthy and is prone to being sharply critical of me - my spouse says emotionally abusive - especially when she is feeling pain. Lately, that has been quite frequent. We still do have a relationship but it is quite difficult and in recent years I have had to establish a lot of boundaries there too.

My spouse is a wonderful person but also struggles with anxiety and ADHD as well. We rarely have sex. i'm not sure if spouse's low libido is physical or emotional. I do not have my radar up for an affair. Spouse resists any kind of therapy.

I'm tired. I have tried therapy in the past, for about 6 months but didn't really feel like I was learning many strategies or noticing any "improvement". I guess this is a dumb question, but for those of you who have had success with therapy, how do you know if it is working or the right fit? I'm not sure if I didn't give the original therapist enough time or if I need to find someone else.

On an intellectual level I know that I am a good person. On an emotional level, when I am in a funk I get in that dark place where I feel unlovable, etc. Since I am there now, I do think I probably need to figure out a plan to start/reinstate therapy.

Thanks for your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you just had the wrong therapist. You may have gotten one who would listen to you birch until the cows came home when really you need coping strategies. I definitely suggest trying again and be clear with the person that that's what you want. I wish you luck, OP. I don't want you to repeat the pattern your mom has with you, with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes, try again and make sure that whoever you meet feels like a good fit. Interview several. It's not always coping strategies that is needed to make a fix though, sometimes the relationship and additional insight is enough. Signed. A therapist

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just how you wrote it, but your post sounds like you intellectually understand what's happening in your life, but are disconnected with the emotions you're feeling because of it. I was that way. I knew that I finally found the right therapist when I started feeling the feelings. It took years of working with her though.

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with clinical depression and anxiety myself, and had family members with mental illness. I'm also currently in grad school to become a therapist. You have a lot going on, and it's great you have been/are willing to be proactive to seek help for issues. Takes great strength!

If you liked the original therapist (found him or her trustworthy, had good rapport, etc), consider going back and stating that you would like to develop coping strategies or work specifically on a plan for X issue. That will be language that will indicate to your therapist that you would prefer more active, directive therapy than just traditional "talk" therapy.

If you would prefer someone else, look for someone who practices a more active, cognitive behavioral style of therapy. I also am a huge proponent of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), as it has helped me personally. It is a very concrete, evidence-based therapy that really works well on anxiety and boundary issues. Enormously helpful. People with that training will specifically list it, since it is more specialized. It is generally taught in individual sessions and a once a week class that works on specific subjects each week, with workbook and such. It's life-changing for many people.

Best of luck, OP.