My daughter is terrified of my MIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My MIL is a paranoid schizophrenic who has, once again, gone off her meds. In the past, when it has gotten very bad, she has done some dangerous things (not to other, but property, etc).
This time around she showed up in our city from out of state. No warning. No idea where she is/was staying. She turned her phone off. H was willing to meet with her but only if she was willing to go to a doctor. She was verbally abuse and hung up the phone. We have not heard from her since. We have, repeatedly, tried to involve the police, but they have not yet deemed her a threat to herself or others. H and I have dealt with this for years so while stressful, it is also kind of par for the course. But the kids are older now and as such are, at times, home alone. Given her recent trip up here, where she randomly showed up at both brothers' houses unexpectedly, and the fact that we do not currently know where she is, we had to address this issue with our kids. We were very gentle and did not offer a lot of details, but simply told them if Grandma shows up at a time when we aren't home, do not let her inside and call us. We told them she isn't thinking clearly right now and it is best if adult talk to her. They seemed to handle it well in that conversation and follow up conversations. So last night my daughter had a break down. It turns out she is terrified of her grandmother showing up. My heart is seriously broken over this - I want her to feel safe in her own home. I told her that we think her grandmother left the city (which is true) and that the chances of her showing up at our home are very, very slim (H told her to stay far away from us and threatened to call the cops if she came near our house). My daughter is past the age where never leaving her home alone is an option. For the time being we will minimize it but I need to figure out how to make her feel safe in her home again. |
Anonymous
|
Growing up, I had an uncle like this. He would show up from time to time and it was never a pretty scene. I wasn't particularly scared of him showing up while I was home alone, but I knew I could go to any neighbor if it came to it.
Do you have a neighbor(s) that your DD can go to if this happens? Maybe give her a few options of what she can do if MIL shows up and DD is home alone. |
Anonymous
|
OP it would help if you told us your daughter's age.
I also think that if you did a little role play, you being the grandma, to help her get down the steps she needs to take, that might help. Like you knocking on the door and saying, "Larla, let me in," "Larla! Why don't you answer me?" and Larla goes and calls you, and then you don't answer, and then she (pretends) to call the police. And in this scenario, she does not talk with the "grandma" or answer her or engage with her (except to say a variant of, "I'll go check" That's something that should be practiced as it's hard to do. When our kids took a safety class, they learned that rather than to say "No," which is very hard for kids to do to an adult, to say, "I"ll go check," and leave the scene. E.g. "Can you help me find my puppy?" "Let me check with my mom" (run off) "Can I take your picture?" "I'll go check" "Can you just open the door for a minute; look I've got some candy for you!" "Oh, just a second, let me go check" (go around the corner and call mom) |
Anonymous
|
^^ forgot to say, a great little lesson I've learned in life is:
The difference between Panic and Peace is a Plan. So the more you work on the Plan with your DD, the more she'll feel better--because after all, the more she will feel in control, which the lack of control is the issue here. |
Anonymous
|
Thank PP - she it is actually rare that she is completely alone - her older brother is often there as well. So the fact that she is scared even while he is there concerned me quite a bit. It is also the start of the school year, so I think this is just adding to the stress that a new school year brings.
I will talk to her about going to a neighbors, thank you for that suggestion. How much information did your parents give you about your uncle's condition? I am wondering if my instinct to withhold details was wrong? This is killing me. I have always had issues with MIL and this may be the straw that broke the camels back (when she is on her meds, she wants to have a normal relationship with us). I am trying to not let my anger cloud my reaction to this. |
Anonymous
|
For previous PP - my daughter is 12, brother is 15. Also, we generally do not go out in the evenings without the kids (and definitely won't while this is going on), so this is not an issue that would occur after dark.
|
Anonymous
I wouldn't give her a ton of details, but do explain that grandma is sick, and when she doesn't take her medications, she isn't safe to be around because she can't control herself. I agree with formulating a specific plan and reviewing it with her and her brother so they both know the deal. It will be reassuring for her to know that both she and her brother know to lock the door, don't open it, call a neighbor, call the police, etc. |
Anonymous
|
I have a 12 YO and I could see her reacting this way too, OP. What I find helps my kids:
1) an alarm system. It helps create peace of mind. 2) a rule that they do not open the door for ANYONE who is not on their safe adults list. That is a very short list 3) we do not open our door when someone knocks unexpectedly. I open a window and ask what's up. 4) a dog |
Anonymous
|
Get a storm door that has a secure screen and can lock from the inside. Put that on your front door so she can open the front door, talk to people, but not admit them without unlocking it. Teach her to call you or your husband and if she cannote reach either of you, how to call 911. Tell her it's alright to call and tell the police that her grandmother is trying to enter the house without one of your parents there and report when her grandmother is trying to get in when she isn't supposed to.
Having a barrier like a locking screen door often helps by giving control back to the person who is scared. The door is locked and she (your daughter) has control over whether the door gets unlocked. |
Anonymous
Why should she open the door at all? If she's home alone and not expecting anyone (like a friend) she shouldn't even answer the door. |
Anonymous
| Remind her that she is very safe in the house and her grandmother does not have a key and has no way to come inside even if by same rare chance she could show up again. The fact that you use the word "terrified" leads me to believe you daughter has some very unrealistic fears (based on the description of your MIL's prior actions) that need addressing. |
Anonymous
do you have a trusted neighbor that your kids could call if they can't reach you? That might be less scary than the police, and faster. The neighbor may also be able to call the police to help. Just don't tell the kids that without letting said neighbor know what's up. Knowing that the nice mom next door/down the street will help them might bring a lot of comfort. |
Anonymous
| +1,000 on the dog. I had 2 big dogs growing up and was able to walk after dark to friends houses/ receive UPS etc bc I knew that while friendly they could always pick up when I was nervous. |
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous]I have a 12 YO and I could see her reacting this way too, OP. What I find helps my kids:
1) an alarm system. It helps create peace of mind. 2) a rule that they do not open the door for ANYONE who is not on their safe adults list. That is a very short list 3) we do not open our door when someone knocks unexpectedly. I open a window and ask what's up. 4) a dog [/quote] As an adult you do not open the door, but a window instead? If that is the case, it is bizarre. I do like the "safe list" for people they are allowed to open the door for. |
Anonymous
|
OP here - Thanks to all those answered. We implemented some of the suggestions here (specifically, getting a security system and talking to neighbors). Dogs are a non-starter because we have older cats who will likely, officially, lose their minds if we get a dog!
My daughter seems much better. She said she feels safer, but also stated that it helps that grandma is no longer in the state. Unfortunately, my MIL has not been heard from in 3 weeks, so we have no idea where is (we did call in a missing person's report). Now I am just going to have to deal with the likely irreparable damage MIL has caused when she ends up back on her meds and wants to continue our relationship like none of this ever occurred! |