Can Someone Please Explain Why We continue this ridiculous custom...

[Anonymous]

Agree, it is the brides who want large expensive weddings in order to show off their social status. There is no incentive for the groom or his family to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

We followed this tradition 30 years ago. We already have a wedding fund for all DCs- both boys and girls. They can use it however they would like.
We had an extravagant weekend affair for our wedding. Honestly, it was three wedding like events, including the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and morning after breakfast as everyone was invited to all three events.

My advice to DC is to have a casual, low cost affair and use the money for a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree, it is the brides who want large expensive weddings in order to show off their social status. There is no incentive for the groom or his family to pay for it.

Great point! No one ever says “groomzilla.” The original post must come from parents of a demanding daughter.

[Anonymous]

We got married 20 years ago in dc. I’m Indian but my husbands not. We mixed traditions in a low key and lower budget wedding with about 120 guests at a goregous mansion run by a nonprofit. It was still beautiful. My in-laws paid for rehearsal dinner. My parents paid for the wedding and reception. And my husbands aunts paid for the brunch, which was just so sweet of them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe this custom IS being continued, for most families? I think it was already becoming outdated a generation ago.

We will contribute an equal amount of “getting started money” to each of our three kids (2 sons, 1 daughter). This will also include any child that chooses NOT to marry (which is becoming more and more common these days). They can spend it on the wedding, home down payment etc.

We are not fans of large or extravagant weddings, and have a small extended family. Any push for a large wedding certainly will not be from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We followed this tradition 30 years ago. We already have a wedding fund for all DCs- both boys and girls. They can use it however they would like.
We had an extravagant weekend affair for our wedding. Honestly, it was three wedding like events, including the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and morning after breakfast as everyone was invited to all three events.

My advice to DC is to have a casual, low cost affair and use the money for a house.

Why? Because you didn't enjoy your extravagant wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...of the bride's parents paying for the wedding??? It's 2026.

I feel like we're going backwards.

I got married 30 years ago. DH and I paid for the wedding. Neither of our families had money. We thought it was more equal that way, and we had a lovely, small wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, "we" don't.

We told our kids we will contribute, but will not pay for their weddings. We have not saved up money for weddings. We hate and loathe those huge extravagant weddings. Half of the couples end up divorced anyway.

The tradition came because historically women were the property of their father and then were "given away" to their husband. So the bride's family paid for the wedding, and after that, the husband paid for the wife.

Terrible tradition. Women are not property.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for the wedding and my in laws paid for our honeymoon. But we were in our mid 20s, just out of grad school.

I plan to pay for our daughter’s wedding and offer same amount of money to our son.

[Anonymous]

We split it 3 ways. My family, his, and us (bride & groom)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...of the bride's parents paying for the wedding??? It's 2026.

I feel like we're going backwards.

We paid for our own b/c none of our FOUR sets of parents wanted to contribute (too much "how much is your mom paying", "I'm not going to pay more than your mom", etc. etc.) The one parent who wanted to contribute a pittance was using it to dictate the who, when, where, and religiosity of it all. So we told them all that we were doing on the beach and saving the money for a house. You can come or not. In the end, it was perfect for us and none of them got what they wanted. And I'm not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

OP here. WHY are you okay with it? That's my question. Dig deep here if you can. I understand its history, but why would you continue a tradition so out of touch with the realities of today? Are you afraid of looking cheap? And fwiw, we have the means to pay for the wedding (mid 5 figures and up), but we'll give exactly as much as the groom's family will. My daughter is not an offering to the other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...of the bride's parents paying for the wedding??? It's 2026.

I feel like we're going backwards.

Selective feminism and elective patriarchal misogyny.

PP for the win.

[Anonymous]

These are all such interesting questions.

I also wonder about differences in educational expenses with kids. Like one kid might want a private college, then a masters and med school degree. If the other kid only wants a public college degree, it is fair to give them more towards a house or wedding? What if one of your kids is a lesbian?

I guess if you’re very rich or very poor, these rent important questions. But for everyone else, it’s hard to feel like you’re being fair without being a bean counter.

[Anonymous]

There are cultures where the groom’s family pays. Encourage your daughter to marry into one of those.