Can Someone Please Explain Why We continue this ridiculous custom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...of the bride's parents paying for the wedding??? It's 2026.

I feel like we're going backwards.

We paid for our own b/c none of our FOUR sets of parents wanted to contribute (too much "how much is your mom paying", "I'm not going to pay more than your mom", etc. etc.) The one parent who wanted to contribute a pittance was using it to dictate the who, when, where, and religiosity of it all. So we told them all that we were doing on the beach and saving the money for a house. You can come or not. In the end, it was perfect for us and none of them got what they wanted. And I'm not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

OP here. WHY are you okay with it? That's my question. Dig deep here if you can. I understand its history, but why would you continue a tradition so out of touch with the realities of today? Are you afraid of looking cheap? And fwiw, we have the means to pay for the wedding (mid 5 figures and up), but we'll give exactly as much as the groom's family will. My daughter is not an offering to the other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...of the bride's parents paying for the wedding??? It's 2026.

I feel like we're going backwards.

Selective feminism and elective patriarchal misogyny.

PP for the win.

[Anonymous]

These are all such interesting questions.

I also wonder about differences in educational expenses with kids. Like one kid might want a private college, then a masters and med school degree. If the other kid only wants a public college degree, it is fair to give them more towards a house or wedding? What if one of your kids is a lesbian?

I guess if you’re very rich or very poor, these rent important questions. But for everyone else, it’s hard to feel like you’re being fair without being a bean counter.

[Anonymous]

There are cultures where the groom’s family pays. Encourage your daughter to marry into one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are all such interesting questions.

I also wonder about differences in educational expenses with kids. Like one kid might want a private college, then a masters and med school degree. If the other kid only wants a public college degree, it is fair to give them more towards a house or wedding? What if one of your kids is a lesbian?

I guess if you’re very rich or very poor, these rent important questions. But for everyone else, it’s hard to feel like you’re being fair without being a bean counter.

Lesbians buy houses and get married and have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

OP here. WHY are you okay with it? That's my question. Dig deep here if you can. I understand its history, but why would you continue a tradition so out of touch with the realities of today? Are you afraid of looking cheap? And fwiw, we have the means to pay for the wedding (mid 5 figures and up), but we'll give exactly as much as the groom's family will. My daughter is not an offering to the other family.

NP. Honestly... women care more about the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are all such interesting questions.

I also wonder about differences in educational expenses with kids. Like one kid might want a private college, then a masters and med school degree. If the other kid only wants a public college degree, it is fair to give them more towards a house or wedding? What if one of your kids is a lesbian?

I guess if you’re very rich or very poor, these rent important questions. But for everyone else, it’s hard to feel like you’re being fair without being a bean counter.

Lesbians buy houses and get married and have children.

Obviously. I meant more like, is there then an expectation that both families split equally? These wedding traditions are so heteronormative, in addition to just feeling kind of random now. Back in the day when everyone did basically the same thing (got married to someone of the opposite sex at a young age where they didn’t have much money and hadn’t previously cohabitated) having set norms made more sense. The marriage experience is so diverse now that these set rules just feel arbitrary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to me why we're spending $$$$ on weddings in the first place. One of the most idiotic customs I've ever experienced.

I agree. My niece is getting married soon and the wedding will be over 100 grand. And that is a modest amount in their friend group. Crazy.

[Anonymous]

It seems old fashioned, kind of like a dowry.

How does one justify this gendered-based “obligation?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

OP here. WHY are you okay with it? That's my question. Dig deep here if you can. I understand its history, but why would you continue a tradition so out of touch with the realities of today? Are you afraid of looking cheap? And fwiw, we have the means to pay for the wedding (mid 5 figures and up), but we'll give exactly as much as the groom's family will. My daughter is not an offering to the other family.

You clearly live more thoughtfully than the prior poster.

I agree with you, 100%, on the macro level.

Since my only child is female though, and her significant other is male (with 3 brothers), it would be hard for me to propose an alternative without looking self-interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because many women become financial burdens on the husband.

How old are you?

If a husband expects his wife to stay home so she can cook and change diapers, she has not be one his “burden .” She has made herself extreme vulnerable by becoming an unpaid maid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

Seems like you’re suckers. Why blindly follow outdated traditions? Are you a lemming?

Because we’re rich and love our daughters. Try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have daughters. No sons. We’ve paid for three very nice weddings (mid 5 figures and up) without expecting anything from the grooms’ families and have been fine with it.

OP here. WHY are you okay with it? That's my question. Dig deep here if you can. I understand its history, but why would you continue a tradition so out of touch with the realities of today? Are you afraid of looking cheap? And fwiw, we have the means to pay for the wedding (mid 5 figures and up), but we'll give exactly as much as the groom's family will. My daughter is not an offering to the other family.

We did it because we wanted to and we don’t have to justify it to some weirdo on the internet

[Anonymous]

I have 2 boys and I plan on helping them fund their weddings (and college and down payments) because I want to, not because of their gender. It would be the same thing if they were 2 girls.