How many physical falls are acceptable?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like you have the right mindset. The only thing that hit a nerve with me was you saying the partner "does the basics." Assuming they aren't married/legally bound to eachother, you are so fortunate she prepares meals, gets food, does laundry and it there to check in on him, but she also takes care of her mental and physical health. Do you have any idea how much you have to pay someone to do all that she does? She could easily leave and all that work should not be described as 'basic." Plus he has companionship with her-priceless.

The situation likely isn't safe, but if he is of sound mind, his choice. I agree you have to allow him to make his own decisions and all you can do is have your own boundaries. If the worst happened and he died falling down steps or died getting surgery after a fall, it was on him terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Coming back to update that my father has now fallen 3x in a week's time. Falls in which he thankfully did not break anything but had to have assistance to get back up (called EMTs 2x and a neighbor the 3rd time). It is so upsetting to get the after-the-fact calls from him, but I have re-read all of the posts here and they make me feel better. He is INSISTING on remaining at home and will not even discuss additional help in any form. Hangs up on me when I bring alternatives up to him. Lovely, huh?

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my OP as your posts continue to help me.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you were clear about the fact that your father does not live alone - he is married and his wife is living with him. Assumption is that this is not your mother.

That has significant bearing on this entire situation. Is your dad's wife similarly aged? Does she have health issues too? Is she overwhelmed? Is she at risk trying to take care of your father?

I am curious as to why you have not mentioned her involvement in all your posts, you focus entirely on your father. He is not living in a vacuum nor is his situation affecting just him. No matter how you feel about his wife, you must consider her in this equation.

OP here. A fair point. My father lives with his partner. We do not have a close relationship although she sometimes calls me to tell me that my father has fallen again. Her health is very good. Swims everyday kind-of-good. She does the basics for him as she always has, food shopping, laundry, prep dinner, but for the vast majority of each day she is out of the house and living her life which she of course has every right to do. She has family nearby and helps take care of her grandchildren. When she is in the house she and my father barely interact which, again, is her choice and I have always tried to stay out of the workings of their relationship.

It is she who makes it possible for him to remain in the house. She keeps the house running so he is technically able to remain but for the majority of the time, they are living separate lives. Again, their relationship is their business. She seems fine with the current arrangement and honestly so does he. If you ask them, they would tell you that it is I who needs to mind my own business. I just see things escalating with his falling down and was wondering if other elderly experience the same amount. When I wrote the OP I wondered if perhaps weekly bad falls were just a part of late aging? From the replies here I see that it is not.

As a PP had said upthread that my father is choosing "freedom over safety" and I do think I need to be at peace with that. I do understand it is his decision. It is just hard to watch even from afar.

I'm not sure I understand. I think there is more here than just a concerned daughter asking questions about a father who is falling.

When was the last time you physically went and visited your dad?

You indicate that your father's partner (who you are not close to and are a plane ride away from) has the energy to swim every, take care of grandkids, visit her family and lives her life fully without interacting much with your dad. You also intimate that they think you should mind your own business about the status of their relationship.

Is the house solely his or is it jointly owned? These things matter. Especially when it comes to long-term care and the way it will eat up assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Coming back to update that my father has now fallen 3x in a week's time. Falls in which he thankfully did not break anything but had to have assistance to get back up (called EMTs 2x and a neighbor the 3rd time). It is so upsetting to get the after-the-fact calls from him, but I have re-read all of the posts here and they make me feel better. He is INSISTING on remaining at home and will not even discuss additional help in any form. Hangs up on me when I bring alternatives up to him. Lovely, huh?

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my OP as your posts continue to help me.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you were clear about the fact that your father does not live alone - he is married and his wife is living with him. Assumption is that this is not your mother.

That has significant bearing on this entire situation. Is your dad's wife similarly aged? Does she have health issues too? Is she overwhelmed? Is she at risk trying to take care of your father?

I am curious as to why you have not mentioned her involvement in all your posts, you focus entirely on your father. He is not living in a vacuum nor is his situation affecting just him. No matter how you feel about his wife, you must consider her in this equation.

OP here. A fair point. My father lives with his partner. We do not have a close relationship although she sometimes calls me to tell me that my father has fallen again. Her health is very good. Swims everyday kind-of-good. She does the basics for him as she always has, food shopping, laundry, prep dinner, but for the vast majority of each day she is out of the house and living her life which she of course has every right to do. She has family nearby and helps take care of her grandchildren. When she is in the house she and my father barely interact which, again, is her choice and I have always tried to stay out of the workings of their relationship.

It is she who makes it possible for him to remain in the house. She keeps the house running so he is technically able to remain but for the majority of the time, they are living separate lives. Again, their relationship is their business. She seems fine with the current arrangement and honestly so does he. If you ask them, they would tell you that it is I who needs to mind my own business. I just see things escalating with his falling down and was wondering if other elderly experience the same amount. When I wrote the OP I wondered if perhaps weekly bad falls were just a part of late aging? From the replies here I see that it is not.

As a PP had said upthread that my father is choosing "freedom over safety" and I do think I need to be at peace with that. I do understand it is his decision. It is just hard to watch even from afar.

I'm not sure I understand. I think there is more here than just a concerned daughter asking questions about a father who is falling.

When was the last time you physically went and visited your dad?

You indicate that your father's partner (who you are not close to and are a plane ride away from) has the energy to swim every, take care of grandkids, visit her family and lives her life fully without interacting much with your dad. You also intimate that they think you should mind your own business about the status of their relationship.

Is the house solely his or is it jointly owned? These things matter. Especially when it comes to long-term care and the way it will eat up assets.

OP here. I was not going to comment anymore as the question I originally asked about has been answered but I had to respond to this PP.

I literally visit my father every 6 weeks. For years now. And I am deeply proud of that. It is not easy visiting him. I use up work leave and of course plane travel costs money. My only child is now in college so at least I am not missing as much time with him. Granted I do not go visit my father for long but I do spend a good 3 days with him each visit. He asks me to visit saying he is so lonely.

His partner is indifferent to me - not welcoming but not mean. She focuses on her nearby family and her friends and she is only there in their house in the evenings. My father owns the house fully not that that matters. They live in a LCOL area out west so the house is not worth much compared to east cost standards. He does not have much in assets and I am sure that he will use up most eventually. After that, I may help if we can.

He is not at all an easy man to deal with but he is my father and that means something to me. But my OP was not about all that. I just wanted to know if other elderly are falling down as much as my father. I have that information now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Coming back to update that my father has now fallen 3x in a week's time. Falls in which he thankfully did not break anything but had to have assistance to get back up (called EMTs 2x and a neighbor the 3rd time). It is so upsetting to get the after-the-fact calls from him, but I have re-read all of the posts here and they make me feel better. He is INSISTING on remaining at home and will not even discuss additional help in any form. Hangs up on me when I bring alternatives up to him. Lovely, huh?

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my OP as your posts continue to help me.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you were clear about the fact that your father does not live alone - he is married and his wife is living with him. Assumption is that this is not your mother.

That has significant bearing on this entire situation. Is your dad's wife similarly aged? Does she have health issues too? Is she overwhelmed? Is she at risk trying to take care of your father?

I am curious as to why you have not mentioned her involvement in all your posts, you focus entirely on your father. He is not living in a vacuum nor is his situation affecting just him. No matter how you feel about his wife, you must consider her in this equation.

OP here. A fair point. My father lives with his partner. We do not have a close relationship although she sometimes calls me to tell me that my father has fallen again. Her health is very good. Swims everyday kind-of-good. She does the basics for him as she always has, food shopping, laundry, prep dinner, but for the vast majority of each day she is out of the house and living her life which she of course has every right to do. She has family nearby and helps take care of her grandchildren. When she is in the house she and my father barely interact which, again, is her choice and I have always tried to stay out of the workings of their relationship.

It is she who makes it possible for him to remain in the house. She keeps the house running so he is technically able to remain but for the majority of the time, they are living separate lives. Again, their relationship is their business. She seems fine with the current arrangement and honestly so does he. If you ask them, they would tell you that it is I who needs to mind my own business. I just see things escalating with his falling down and was wondering if other elderly experience the same amount. When I wrote the OP I wondered if perhaps weekly bad falls were just a part of late aging? From the replies here I see that it is not.

As a PP had said upthread that my father is choosing "freedom over safety" and I do think I need to be at peace with that. I do understand it is his decision. It is just hard to watch even from afar.

I'm not sure I understand. I think there is more here than just a concerned daughter asking questions about a father who is falling.

When was the last time you physically went and visited your dad?

You indicate that your father's partner (who you are not close to and are a plane ride away from) has the energy to swim every, take care of grandkids, visit her family and lives her life fully without interacting much with your dad. You also intimate that they think you should mind your own business about the status of their relationship.

Is the house solely his or is it jointly owned? These things matter. Especially when it comes to long-term care and the way it will eat up assets.

OP here. I was not going to comment anymore as the question I originally asked about has been answered but I had to respond to this PP.

I literally visit my father every 6 weeks. For years now. And I am deeply proud of that. It is not easy visiting him. I use up work leave and of course plane travel costs money. My only child is now in college so at least I am not missing as much time with him. Granted I do not go visit my father for long but I do spend a good 3 days with him each visit. He asks me to visit saying he is so lonely.

His partner is indifferent to me - not welcoming but not mean. She focuses on her nearby family and her friends and she is only there in their house in the evenings. My father owns the house fully not that that matters. They live in a LCOL area out west so the house is not worth much compared to east cost standards. He does not have much in assets and I am sure that he will use up most eventually. After that, I may help if we can.

He is not at all an easy man to deal with but he is my father and that means something to me. But my OP was not about all that. I just wanted to know if other elderly are falling down as much as my father. I have that information now.

This issue is so much bigger than how often your father falls yet you don't seem to want to address it. Fine. But you will have to address it, and sooner than you think.

Did you consider that your father's partner may not be around all day when you are there because she wants to give you time alone to visit with him. Perhaps the rest of the time she is there 24/7 and could be exhausted. She could also be scared to death as to what will happen when your father's condition changes.

I know of several instances where an elderly person was cast into the street when the conditions changed. In one particular case, the man and woman had been together more than 40 years. When the woman died her adult children (who visited sporadically) gave the man a week to get his things together and get out. Without so much as a backward glance. Forty. Years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Coming back to update that my father has now fallen 3x in a week's time. Falls in which he thankfully did not break anything but had to have assistance to get back up (called EMTs 2x and a neighbor the 3rd time). It is so upsetting to get the after-the-fact calls from him, but I have re-read all of the posts here and they make me feel better. He is INSISTING on remaining at home and will not even discuss additional help in any form. Hangs up on me when I bring alternatives up to him. Lovely, huh?

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my OP as your posts continue to help me.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you were clear about the fact that your father does not live alone - he is married and his wife is living with him. Assumption is that this is not your mother.

That has significant bearing on this entire situation. Is your dad's wife similarly aged? Does she have health issues too? Is she overwhelmed? Is she at risk trying to take care of your father?

I am curious as to why you have not mentioned her involvement in all your posts, you focus entirely on your father. He is not living in a vacuum nor is his situation affecting just him. No matter how you feel about his wife, you must consider her in this equation.

OP here. A fair point. My father lives with his partner. We do not have a close relationship although she sometimes calls me to tell me that my father has fallen again. Her health is very good. Swims everyday kind-of-good. She does the basics for him as she always has, food shopping, laundry, prep dinner, but for the vast majority of each day she is out of the house and living her life which she of course has every right to do. She has family nearby and helps take care of her grandchildren. When she is in the house she and my father barely interact which, again, is her choice and I have always tried to stay out of the workings of their relationship.

It is she who makes it possible for him to remain in the house. She keeps the house running so he is technically able to remain but for the majority of the time, they are living separate lives. Again, their relationship is their business. She seems fine with the current arrangement and honestly so does he. If you ask them, they would tell you that it is I who needs to mind my own business. I just see things escalating with his falling down and was wondering if other elderly experience the same amount. When I wrote the OP I wondered if perhaps weekly bad falls were just a part of late aging? From the replies here I see that it is not.

As a PP had said upthread that my father is choosing "freedom over safety" and I do think I need to be at peace with that. I do understand it is his decision. It is just hard to watch even from afar.

I'm not sure I understand. I think there is more here than just a concerned daughter asking questions about a father who is falling.

When was the last time you physically went and visited your dad?

You indicate that your father's partner (who you are not close to and are a plane ride away from) has the energy to swim every, take care of grandkids, visit her family and lives her life fully without interacting much with your dad. You also intimate that they think you should mind your own business about the status of their relationship.

Is the house solely his or is it jointly owned? These things matter. Especially when it comes to long-term care and the way it will eat up assets.

OP here. I was not going to comment anymore as the question I originally asked about has been answered but I had to respond to this PP.

I literally visit my father every 6 weeks. For years now. And I am deeply proud of that. It is not easy visiting him. I use up work leave and of course plane travel costs money. My only child is now in college so at least I am not missing as much time with him. Granted I do not go visit my father for long but I do spend a good 3 days with him each visit. He asks me to visit saying he is so lonely.

His partner is indifferent to me - not welcoming but not mean. She focuses on her nearby family and her friends and she is only there in their house in the evenings. My father owns the house fully not that that matters. They live in a LCOL area out west so the house is not worth much compared to east cost standards. He does not have much in assets and I am sure that he will use up most eventually. After that, I may help if we can.

He is not at all an easy man to deal with but he is my father and that means something to me. But my OP was not about all that. I just wanted to know if other elderly are falling down as much as my father. I have that information now.

This issue is so much bigger than how often your father falls yet you don't seem to want to address it. Fine. But you will have to address it, and sooner than you think.

Did you consider that your father's partner may not be around all day when you are there because she wants to give you time alone to visit with him. Perhaps the rest of the time she is there 24/7 and could be exhausted. She could also be scared to death as to what will happen when your father's condition changes.

I know of several instances where an elderly person was cast into the street when the conditions changed. In one particular case, the man and woman had been together more than 40 years. When the woman died her adult children (who visited sporadically) gave the man a week to get his things together and get out. Without so much as a backward glance. Forty. Years.

I don’t think that is op’s problem. The partner has family nearby who can presumably help her find a new place to live, when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Coming back to update that my father has now fallen 3x in a week's time. Falls in which he thankfully did not break anything but had to have assistance to get back up (called EMTs 2x and a neighbor the 3rd time). It is so upsetting to get the after-the-fact calls from him, but I have re-read all of the posts here and they make me feel better. He is INSISTING on remaining at home and will not even discuss additional help in any form. Hangs up on me when I bring alternatives up to him. Lovely, huh?

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my OP as your posts continue to help me.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you were clear about the fact that your father does not live alone - he is married and his wife is living with him. Assumption is that this is not your mother.

That has significant bearing on this entire situation. Is your dad's wife similarly aged? Does she have health issues too? Is she overwhelmed? Is she at risk trying to take care of your father?

I am curious as to why you have not mentioned her involvement in all your posts, you focus entirely on your father. He is not living in a vacuum nor is his situation affecting just him. No matter how you feel about his wife, you must consider her in this equation.

OP here. A fair point. My father lives with his partner. We do not have a close relationship although she sometimes calls me to tell me that my father has fallen again. Her health is very good. Swims everyday kind-of-good. She does the basics for him as she always has, food shopping, laundry, prep dinner, but for the vast majority of each day she is out of the house and living her life which she of course has every right to do. She has family nearby and helps take care of her grandchildren. When she is in the house she and my father barely interact which, again, is her choice and I have always tried to stay out of the workings of their relationship.

It is she who makes it possible for him to remain in the house. She keeps the house running so he is technically able to remain but for the majority of the time, they are living separate lives. Again, their relationship is their business. She seems fine with the current arrangement and honestly so does he. If you ask them, they would tell you that it is I who needs to mind my own business. I just see things escalating with his falling down and was wondering if other elderly experience the same amount. When I wrote the OP I wondered if perhaps weekly bad falls were just a part of late aging? From the replies here I see that it is not.

As a PP had said upthread that my father is choosing "freedom over safety" and I do think I need to be at peace with that. I do understand it is his decision. It is just hard to watch even from afar.

You are showing up via plane every six weeks and doing everything you can do. It is difficult to watch from afar but his choice would not change if you lived in the same place. You are a caring daughter and it’s admirable that you want to understand your father. Go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are you looking for? She is caring for him and doing her best and keeping you updated. You aren't offering to help, do caretaking or much else so thank her and do some nice things for her. A relationship goes both ways and both of you need to put in the effort.

[Anonymous]

Will he accept help from a home health aide? That will help his partner with caretaking.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP I think it’s his wife’s problem.
She is probably feeling too lazy to help him get up and calls someone. Or whatever. He chose her and he is now her problem! She can solve it the way she sees fit