Why would anyone do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may seem like over the top controlling, but clearly something happened to make those boundaries necessary. I'm guessing grandma has some weird social media activities that the parents dont want to be involved in.

Probably not grandma— probably OP the “lifelong family friend” with serious entitlement and boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

Is it several days or several weeks OP?

[Anonymous]

It is generational.

As someone else mentioned before, the parents of this generation have more to worry about than the previous generation. Blame it on the internet but parents of this generation are more knowledgeable which creates more worries. This generation of new parents are also more willing to set boundaries and not feel pressured to do what they don’t want to do.

I think we need to be more empathetic of the fact that the new parents are trying to navigate this big change in their life the best they know how rather than judge them too harshly. If they had a good relationship with the grandparents before, the grandparents will be understanding and give them space. If this creates a rift then the relationship is not as solid as you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 we see plenty of posts here of grandparents posting kids' pix on social media etc after they are asked not to, or when parents are not doing the same.

I would assume there is some mistrust in the relationship or behaviors they don't want to deal with during the immediate/postpartum phase.

This. You’re getting the story from the boundary-pushing grandparents, who are unaware that there is anything wrong in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t know the name until we were about to leave the hospital. I did share pics, but done grandparents will take the liberty of posting pics to their own pages. If grandparents are not helpful, now one needs guests in their house when they have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

“Yet another” how many people in your life aren’t being told the baby names OP? You sound awfully dramatic about a baby who isn’t yours.

We didn’t have a name picked when we got to the hospital we had a top two, and decided to see what fit. My parents got an immediate picture when she was born to say all was well but probably didn’t hear her name until the next day or maybe even the following.

And as a member of the cohort who gave birth in COVID it was an open question when my parents would meet her because they had to quarantine for two weeks. Luckily they had started two weeks before my due date and she was a day late but if she had been early we would have had to wait.

Somehow through all of these tragic circumstances my parents and my daughter love each other like crazy. Hopefully these new grandparents are focused on what actually matters which is the healthy baby and the full recovery of the new mother.

It’s gross that you think differently of a highly educated and accomplished woman who gave birth a few days ago but luckily for her and her baby, it sounds like you’re just a spectator not someone important to her, and she can distance herself and her baby from your toxicity.

You are making a lot of leaps, pp.

I assure you there’s no toxicity on my part. I’m just observing something that my family and friends find bizarre…and as we are comparing notes, we have seen this approach before.

It’s 2025, long past the covid days.

And the baby arrived weeks ago, not mere days.

The parents have said they have a name…they just aren’t ready to share it yet. I mean, they aren’t celebrities. No clue why they feel compelled to build suspense prior to some big reveal.

Others are theorizing that the new mom is doing a photo shoot for the first pictures. That’s fine…but most people would still share a picture with the grandparents and siblings of the parents. One sibling has made clear the mom went a little kooky during the pregnancy and has become obsessed with planning and documenting everything.

In your OP, you said the baby was born a few days ago. You're full of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This forum has always been filled with women with weird birth plans and strained relationships with their parents and in-laws.

It’s not normal to have such stringent control issues.

Most people love their family and welcome their enthusiasm and support. Most people celebrate the arrival of a baby rather than plot some big reveal for social media.

I cannot imagine making my parents or in-laws wait weeks or months to see my baby or share the name. That’s just bananas.

+1
IMO it’s narcissistic behavior. And then many of the same new families are complaining that they don’t get support from their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

Totally agree with you! I don't want to hear about these people complaining that they don't have help from family later on! This is not the way to build family relationships.

[Anonymous]

The Grandparents probably have the name and photos already and have been asked not to share them with OP who is clearly a little unwell in her perception of her own importance. Rather than upset her, they’re telling her they don’t have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

Totally agree with you! I don't want to hear about these people complaining that they don't have help from family later on! This is not the way to build family relationships.

The people who complain they don’t have family help are the children or narcissists who want to be perceived—usually on social media— as being super close and special and helpful and amaaazing, but who ultimately don’t want to help. It’s the mother in law who sits on the couch ask in the postpartum mother what’s for dinner. The people with respectful and loving parents aren’t complaining about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This forum has always been filled with women with weird birth plans and strained relationships with their parents and in-laws.

It’s not normal to have such stringent control issues.

Most people love their family and welcome their enthusiasm and support. Most people celebrate the arrival of a baby rather than plot some big reveal for social media.

I cannot imagine making my parents or in-laws wait weeks or months to see my baby or share the name. That’s just bananas.

+1
IMO it’s narcissistic behavior. And then many of the same new families are complaining that they don’t get support from their families.

+2

If you're lucky enough to have living parents when your own child is born, don't put off having your parents meet the baby. Life is short and nothing is guaranteed. My FIL died six weeks after my daughter was born and I am so thankful that he got to meet her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This forum has always been filled with women with weird birth plans and strained relationships with their parents and in-laws.

It’s not normal to have such stringent control issues.

Most people love their family and welcome their enthusiasm and support. Most people celebrate the arrival of a baby rather than plot some big reveal for social media.

I cannot imagine making my parents or in-laws wait weeks or months to see my baby or share the name. That’s just bananas.

+1
IMO it’s narcissistic behavior. And then many of the same new families are complaining that they don’t get support from their families.

+2

If you're lucky enough to have living parents when your own child is born, don't put off having your parents meet the baby. Life is short and nothing is guaranteed. My FIL died six weeks after my daughter was born and I am so thankful that he got to meet her.

+3
My favorite pictures in the world are of my now deceased dad holding my babies when they were tiny.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need a forum for grandparents that had their chance to parent their own way and now want to re-do through their kids and grandkids…

[Anonymous]

Coming from a family with unhelpful parents who have even more unhelpful spouses- I was super annoyed that my dad and his wife booked tickets to come stay with us two days after my due date (the timing was good for them). I was thankful DD came early but it really is annoying that grandparents think they can just move in because it works for their schedule. I knew they would not be helpful and would add more to my plate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So, I'm GenX. I have married adult kids (and a minor still) but no grandkids yet.

When I had the kids, there wasn't covid, or even social media to the extent there is now. I didn't have to worry about this stuff. If I was having babies in 2025, I'd be extremely concerned about germs like covid, rsv, all that stuff that I really didn't worry much about (or wasn't around) when they were born. I also didn't have to worry about pics of my babies being possibly shared around who knows where.

When my kids have kids, I have already told them-while of course I will be over the moon excited, I will be taking their cue and doing, happily, what they the parents feel is best for their family. They have to contend with things that I never had to think about.

+1 GenX here too. My first was a preemie during the winter so RSV season. We had to avoid visitors and travel which really pissed off some of the extended relatives. The only one who was understanding was an aunt who had had a preemie twenty years prior and a cousin who was an ER doctor. SIL was particularly witchy constantly sharing antidote how one of her friends had a preemie and didn’t miss a beat, went to the mall, hosted family, went on a girls trip blah blah. Neither DH or I cared what they thought so we just did what was best for our baby which meant not socializing.

In dealing with in laws, I’ve had to stand up against people who think they are entitled to our kids and who care more about what they want than my kids. There is no way DH or I plan to be like that with our adult kids. We will respect their needs and wishes as parents.