Why would anyone do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 I get along great with my FIL but we told him about our first pregnancy a little earlier than ideal because we were visiting him on Father's Day and he had posted it on Facebook before I got back to the table from the bathroom. I'm not going to judge another family for wanting to keep their new baby off social media, and it's funny (not haha) that you're jumping to judging the mom as though the dad doesn't exist or have opinions.

Well, I know the mom and the dad—and the grandparents. And it’s definitely the mom. The dad is just following along.

And generally speaking, when have you ever heard about a new dad dictating such things? It’s always the mom.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen a bunch of reels on Instagram where a new grandparent or great grandparent is meeting the newborn for the first time and that’s when they find out the baby is named after them. The new parents wanted to film their relative’s reaction to learning the baby was their namesake. It could be something like that.

Or it could be that the grandparents went around telling people about the pregnancy before they were supposed to and so now the new parents are more guarded with what they disclose.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like someone with healthy boundaries. Yes, that is generational as this generation doesn’t allow itself to get trampled by what the older generation says “has always been done.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

Now you're moving on to bash Americans in general? What's your goal here, OP? Sorry you can't get DCUM on your side.

[Anonymous]

This forum has always been filled with women with weird birth plans and strained relationships with their parents and in-laws.

It’s not normal to have such stringent control issues.

Most people love their family and welcome their enthusiasm and support. Most people celebrate the arrival of a baby rather than plot some big reveal for social media.

I cannot imagine making my parents or in-laws wait weeks or months to see my baby or share the name. That’s just bananas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't know what is going on internally with that family. You have one version of the story from the person who is on the receiving end of those decisions.

My mom, who can be a lovely person, was an absolute nightmare when I had a baby. I didn't lock her out of the process but in retrospect it probably would have been highly beneficial to my well being. She became obsessive about my baby's name, would interrogate me every time we spoke about what we were going to name the baby, would call me at random hours to warn me off of certain names. She became depressed and would complain to me about her depression and wanted me to act as her therapist, in my third trimester and immediately postpartum. She came to visit after the baby was born (at my invitation) and she moped around the house, asking to hold the baby and not wanting to give her back when I said I needed to feed her, expecting to be fed and entertained (I was mere days postpartum at this point), sharing weird stories from her own childbirth experiences that were upsetting or disconcerting (like a story about what an ugly baby I was, for instance).

If you met my mom, you'd never believe this had happened. You would assume I'm exaggerating and that I was just being an oversensitive, hormonal new mom. But it's what happened. My dad became worried about her and would call me to say he thought she might self-harm. My husband wound up cooking for her and tending to her while he was on paternity leave because she demanded it and I physically could not. It was crazy. I think me having a baby triggered some kind of buried trauma for my mom and she had like a psychotic break.

After that initial visit, I wound up distancing from her for several months because it was too much for me. I developed PPD, saw a therapist, and needed space to adjust to motherhood and find a support system since obviously it wasn't going to be my parents.

You just have no idea.

+1, wish we could have a coffee and share stories. Very interesting about the buried trauma being triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

****YOU***** haven't seen pictures, how do you know the grandparents haven't? If they are withholding pictures, I'm sure there is a reason, which is none of your business.

If a baby <6weeks gets a fever they have to have a spinal tap. Passing a neonate around to 20 different people is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Selfish mother, will raise a selfish baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 I get along great with my FIL but we told him about our first pregnancy a little earlier than ideal because we were visiting him on Father's Day and he had posted it on Facebook before I got back to the table from the bathroom. I'm not going to judge another family for wanting to keep their new baby off social media, and it's funny (not haha) that you're jumping to judging the mom as though the dad doesn't exist or have opinions.

Well, I know the mom and the dad—and the grandparents. And it’s definitely the mom. The dad is just following along.

And generally speaking, when have you ever heard about a new dad dictating such things? It’s always the mom.

The mom pushed an 8lb mass out her hoohaa, or had the baby cut out, and is going through the biggest hormone shift in human physiology. 20% chance she will have PPD. She's in pain and sleep deprived. If she's breastfeeding her nipples are crusting over. She's bleeding out her crotch, has healing stitches, so yeah, mom should get to call the shots and dad can take the supporting role at this time

[Anonymous]

This is the kids who got helicoptered doing a combo of their own version of helicoptering plus desperately trying to have some space.

-A Boomer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

They could have picked a name they knew the grandparents would dislike and they didn't want to be harped at endlessly.

As for the dig at family, millennials are not pushing away emotionally intelligent grandparents, I can assure you of that. There is a breakdown of family but it started in the Boomer "me" generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

Now you're moving on to bash Americans in general? What's your goal here, OP? Sorry you can't get DCUM on your side.

they're emotionally immature chronic boundary violators (btw if you asked a boundary violator if the relationship was strained, would they say yes?) seeking validation to avoid self reflection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

Now you're moving on to bash Americans in general? What's your goal here, OP? Sorry you can't get DCUM on your side.

they're emotionally immature chronic boundary violators (btw if you asked a boundary violator if the relationship was strained, would they say yes?) seeking validation to avoid self reflection

Most of the people I know who complain about boundaries have mental health issues or personality disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

“Yet another” how many people in your life aren’t being told the baby names OP? You sound awfully dramatic about a baby who isn’t yours.

We didn’t have a name picked when we got to the hospital we had a top two, and decided to see what fit. My parents got an immediate picture when she was born to say all was well but probably didn’t hear her name until the next day or maybe even the following.

And as a member of the cohort who gave birth in COVID it was an open question when my parents would meet her because they had to quarantine for two weeks. Luckily they had started two weeks before my due date and she was a day late but if she had been early we would have had to wait.

Somehow through all of these tragic circumstances my parents and my daughter love each other like crazy. Hopefully these new grandparents are focused on what actually matters which is the healthy baby and the full recovery of the new mother.

It’s gross that you think differently of a highly educated and accomplished woman who gave birth a few days ago but luckily for her and her baby, it sounds like you’re just a spectator not someone important to her, and she can distance herself and her baby from your toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

“Yet another” how many people in your life aren’t being told the baby names OP? You sound awfully dramatic about a baby who isn’t yours.

We didn’t have a name picked when we got to the hospital we had a top two, and decided to see what fit. My parents got an immediate picture when she was born to say all was well but probably didn’t hear her name until the next day or maybe even the following.

And as a member of the cohort who gave birth in COVID it was an open question when my parents would meet her because they had to quarantine for two weeks. Luckily they had started two weeks before my due date and she was a day late but if she had been early we would have had to wait.

Somehow through all of these tragic circumstances my parents and my daughter love each other like crazy. Hopefully these new grandparents are focused on what actually matters which is the healthy baby and the full recovery of the new mother.

It’s gross that you think differently of a highly educated and accomplished woman who gave birth a few days ago but luckily for her and her baby, it sounds like you’re just a spectator not someone important to her, and she can distance herself and her baby from your toxicity.

You are making a lot of leaps, pp.

I assure you there’s no toxicity on my part. I’m just observing something that my family and friends find bizarre…and as we are comparing notes, we have seen this approach before.

It’s 2025, long past the covid days.

And the baby arrived weeks ago, not mere days.

The parents have said they have a name…they just aren’t ready to share it yet. I mean, they aren’t celebrities. No clue why they feel compelled to build suspense prior to some big reveal.

Others are theorizing that the new mom is doing a photo shoot for the first pictures. That’s fine…but most people would still share a picture with the grandparents and siblings of the parents. One sibling has made clear the mom went a little kooky during the pregnancy and has become obsessed with planning and documenting everything.