Social Media to Blame for Estrangement?

[Anonymous]

When we raise kids to be obsessed with empathy instead of resiliency, this is a natural consequence. Also, it’s only certain types of kids cutting off conduct. In my social group, this basically never happens.

[Anonymous]

Immigrant families operate in survival mode and parents are confused between two very different parenting cultures. Western therapists are rarely equipped to understand their dilemmas and often complicate relationships instead of simplifying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we raise kids to be obsessed with empathy instead of resiliency, this is a natural consequence. Also, it’s only certain types of kids cutting off conduct. In my social group, this basically never happens.

What's that certain type?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we raise kids to be obsessed with empathy instead of resiliency, this is a natural consequence. Also, it’s only certain types of kids cutting off conduct. In my social group, this basically never happens.

What's that certain type?

The overtherapied sensitive ones whose lives hinge on their emotions.

[Anonymous]

I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

[Anonymous]

I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

Agree. As a PP noted, GenZ is often self-centered and too focused on their own emotional validation to look at the big picture of familial relations over the grand scheme of life. My elderly mother was incessantly patient with me for many years, was (and is) incredibly loving, but is certainly not perfect. She obviously didn't approve of every adult decision I made, but neither did I expect her to. I love her to death and happily listen to repeated stories because in the overall calculus of life she has been pretty darn good.

I feel like with GenZ if you don't embrace (or monetarily support) every questionable young adult decision, you get labelled controlling or toxic. My current pet peeve is being considered annoying because I refuse to allow pot smoking in our home (I hate the smell). I don't care what they do at school or in their own apartments, but I do expect that my preferences in my home be respected and honestly, I am annoyed at having to repeatedly explain that position.

[Anonymous]

Each generation breaks away.

Boomers were raised by a generation of true closet sociopaths. Your sweet grandparents or great grandparents of the silent generation probably beat them with belts, spoons, stuck soap in their mouth and demanded total obedience behind closed doors. Boomers bit back by placing their parents in nursing homes and not looking back. Boomers also took a hands off and stay one rung above complete neglect approach with their kids.

Now boomers are seeking obedience and attention but they have no tools or control to demand it. It’s creating control anxiety. Add in generational behaviors that are foreign to Gen X and millennials like the pout pout and manipulation and you get younger people saying no. If the boomer won’t accept no, then the younger person walks away.

I suspect that GenX , whose big parenting flaw is helicoptering as a reaction to being ignored by their boomer parents, are struggling with the Gen z kids trying to break away. If they don’t back off, their kids will walk away.

The pattern here is that if you keep demanding something from an adult that they don’t want, don’t take no for an answer, and behave with a sense of entitlement then you will wind up estranged. It’s your fault because you left the other no other option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

Agree. As a PP noted, GenZ is often self-centered and too focused on their own emotional validation to look at the big picture of familial relations over the grand scheme of life. My elderly mother was incessantly patient with me for many years, was (and is) incredibly loving, but is certainly not perfect. She obviously didn't approve of every adult decision I made, but neither did I expect her to. I love her to death and happily listen to repeated stories because in the overall calculus of life she has been pretty darn good.

I feel like with GenZ if you don't embrace (or monetarily support) every questionable young adult decision, you get labelled controlling or toxic. My current pet peeve is being considered annoying because I refuse to allow pot smoking in our home (I hate the smell). I don't care what they do at school or in their own apartments, but I do expect that my preferences in my home be respected and honestly, I am annoyed at having to repeatedly explain that position.

I don’t think GenZ are more self centered than the previous generations - being self-centered and know it all at that age range is basically a rite of passage. But they are the first generation where the outside third parties found a way to scale and monetize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of Gen Z kid see their Gen X parents are selfish. On the flip side, Gen X probably sees the Gen Z as lazy.

Weren’t those same parents so excited when their kids learned to “interrupt and educate”? The chicken came home to roost.

I have no idea what you are talking about. That may be about millennial parents to younger generations z kids. Not gen z adult kids estranging themselves from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we raise kids to be obsessed with empathy instead of resiliency, this is a natural consequence. Also, it’s only certain types of kids cutting off conduct. In my social group, this basically never happens.

Can't a person have empathy and be resilient? I think I have both qualities.

Some relationships should be cut off. If it's a good decision, that seems to be a sign if resilience to me.

I think you really are implying the kids are neurotic, self- absorbed and cutting off people unfairly. That may not be true.

Dr. Phillip is a joke anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is due to social media, but not in the way he meant. Before social media, it was super easy to minimize the contact with your parents to maybe a visit every other year and a phone call once every few weeks. If they are local, then a dinner out every couple of months. No need to declare anything for anyone.

Enter social media. If one or both sides tend to post every sneeze, the state of the relationship is now a daily dilemma.

Excellent point. Pre social media you could do a phone call on a regular basis and move away without family needing to see what you were doing constantly.

Now? I'm accused of keeping secrets and hiding things if I don't put my whole life on social media.

My Boomer MIL waged war against my now Ex SIL
on social media - staring with FB comments. Then, SIL blocked MIL across all platforms.
Now totally estranged. Haven’t spoken in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each generation breaks away.

Boomers were raised by a generation of true closet sociopaths. Your sweet grandparents or great grandparents of the silent generation probably beat them with belts, spoons, stuck soap in their mouth and demanded total obedience behind closed doors. Boomers bit back by placing their parents in nursing homes and not looking back. Boomers also took a hands off and stay one rung above complete neglect approach with their kids.

Now boomers are seeking obedience and attention but they have no tools or control to demand it. It’s creating control anxiety. Add in generational behaviors that are foreign to Gen X and millennials like the pout pout and manipulation and you get younger people saying no. If the boomer won’t accept no, then the younger person walks away.

I suspect that GenX , whose big parenting flaw is helicoptering as a reaction to being ignored by their boomer parents, are struggling with the Gen z kids trying to break away. If they don’t back off, their kids will walk away.

The pattern here is that if you keep demanding something from an adult that they don’t want, don’t take no for an answer, and behave with a sense of entitlement then you will wind up estranged. It’s your fault because you left the other no other option.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is due to social media, but not in the way he meant. Before social media, it was super easy to minimize the contact with your parents to maybe a visit every other year and a phone call once every few weeks. If they are local, then a dinner out every couple of months. No need to declare anything for anyone.

Enter social media. If one or both sides tend to post every sneeze, the state of the relationship is now a daily dilemma.

This is an insightful and nuanced take, PP - thank you. I'm VLC with my parents, who were VLC with their parents (their parents were an ocean away in a time of expensive long distance calls and flights) and I totally agree that the pressure to constantly check in via text/social media makes it much more obvious that VLC is in fact intentional.

[Anonymous]

I actually think a lot of people in the past cut out family, it was easier to do and less visible when it happened. If you moved away you just didn’t visit or write.

It’s just so visible now because people are so obviously connected by internet/phones/sm. I don’t believe there’s actually more happening these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each generation breaks away.

Boomers were raised by a generation of true closet sociopaths. Your sweet grandparents or great grandparents of the silent generation probably beat them with belts, spoons, stuck soap in their mouth and demanded total obedience behind closed doors. Boomers bit back by placing their parents in nursing homes and not looking back. Boomers also took a hands off and stay one rung above complete neglect approach with their kids.

Now boomers are seeking obedience and attention but they have no tools or control to demand it. It’s creating control anxiety. Add in generational behaviors that are foreign to Gen X and millennials like the pout pout and manipulation and you get younger people saying no. If the boomer won’t accept no, then the younger person walks away.

I suspect that GenX , whose big parenting flaw is helicoptering as a reaction to being ignored by their boomer parents, are struggling with the Gen z kids trying to break away. If they don’t back off, their kids will walk away.

The pattern here is that if you keep demanding something from an adult that they don’t want, don’t take no for an answer, and behave with a sense of entitlement then you will wind up estranged. It’s your fault because you left the other no other option.

I’m GenX with Boomer parents and Gen Z kids and this just sums it all up perfectly.