How do you respond to being ignored?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. Many people have horrible social skills and avoid people when they're uncomfortable with either the death or just saying no. It's no excuse, just an explanation.

How I proceed depends on the situation. Email teachers to have a record. Then you can forward it up the chain if they don't respond. If you say you can't seem to get a hold of Mr. X, then that leaves room for the supervisor to either have Mr. X respond or explain that he's out sick or whatever.

For coordinating with other parents, no response = not interested. Just move forward without them. If you need a ride for your kid, then their lack of response means they're not going to provide it. If you're trying to coordinate a group carpool, then just start a new thread with people who responded yes and say this is for the interested parents.

If you need input for work or something else, then put a deadline to provide input. Put it in email. If it's in a meeting then send a follow up email.

I'm sorry OP. Lots of people suck. Hugs to you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. These are helpful. What about the teacher who won’t respond to my emails asking about my kids? Do you just forward to the head of school after 24 hours (or what amount of time?)?

I had to email a guidance counselor 3x and never responded. I finally picked up the phone and he talked for 15 min and was delightful. Actually, just reminded me I also had to call a business associate and kept calling till he answered. Both were over a week.

[Anonymous]

I just had to deal with this with my synagogue about religious school registration for my kid and I gave them two weeks and several attempts to respond to my question and after that I finally said, I'm struggling to understand why my requests are being ignored and I'd like a response today please. They got back right away. sometimes you just need to call the person out on it. Typically if it's professional and I find this to be rare where I work, I'll go over their head but I don't like to do that if I can avoid it. Usually people don't ignore requests where I work. If it's a friendship type of thing I just assume that person might be overwhelmed or something else is going on in their life and they'll get back to me when they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for your loss. Many people have horrible social skills and avoid people when they're uncomfortable with either the death or just saying no. It's no excuse, just an explanation.

How I proceed depends on the situation. Email teachers to have a record. Then you can forward it up the chain if they don't respond. If you say you can't seem to get a hold of Mr. X, then that leaves room for the supervisor to either have Mr. X respond or explain that he's out sick or whatever.

For coordinating with other parents, no response = not interested. Just move forward without them. If you need a ride for your kid, then their lack of response means they're not going to provide it. If you're trying to coordinate a group carpool, then just start a new thread with people who responded yes and say this is for the interested parents.

If you need input for work or something else, then put a deadline to provide input. Put it in email. If it's in a meeting then send a follow up email.

I'm sorry OP. Lots of people suck. Hugs to you and your kids.

Me again. I forgot to add that some people are incredibly selfish and just hope all the carpool slots will get filled by someone else so their kid gets free rides. Too bad because carpooling is hard for everyone so you move forward without them in a new thread if they don't chime in with some rides they can offer. Then ignore their whining about it like they ignored you. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

My sister went through loss of her DH. It is very hard, and people will react in very different ways. Some distanced themselves, some were super helpful, but even the close friends eventually became fatigued. Mostly, I feel like people didn't know how to respond, the appropriate level of commiseration/normalcy. If you feel up for it, take the time to set the tone/let people know what you would prefer, how you would prefer to interact. It may also help to reach out to individuals rather than a group carpool email. Or if you have a helpful friend, have them mediate for you.

It is possible that people are not sure how to respond to your emails because of how they are written. Maybe (just guessing here) you've always come across as super chill, but are now wordy, or vice versa. Maybe people are just taken aback and don't know how to properly respond.

With the teacher, maybe she's reaching out to guidance counselor/school social worker, before responding, because she doesn't feel like she can respond herself properly.

Or maybe people aren't even ignoring you, but you're in such an emotional state that any delay feels like being ignored?

It is very hard, but it will get better, very incrementally. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. These are helpful. What about the teacher who won’t respond to my emails asking about my kids? Do you just forward to the head of school after 24 hours (or what amount of time?)?

You have to give them more time. I don’t think it’s deliberate, unless you are pestering them. Teachers are crushed with time and I assume they wil get back to me eventually. If it has been a few days, I might send anther email.

Agree 24 hours seems like a short time, especially since you have no idea if the teacher is absent, dealing with a health issue, or slammed with other stuff. Also, it’s much easier to respond quickly to a message about “did you get the permission slip I sent in for Timmy’s field trip” than “how are my children doing in school following the death of a parent.” For the latter, I would want time to observe, think about my response, and then time to quietly craft a thoughtful email back and/or set up a check in phone call. This might not all be doable in a 1 day time frame. So I would assume the weight of the topic could affect the response time.

I think you should wait 72 hours or so and then follow up politely. Hopefully the teacher will respond within that time or at least give you an initial response like “hi, I have been watching her throughout the week and making some observations, I plan to follow up with a longer email this weekend.” If not, reach out to the school counselor or some sort of admin.

The best response by a teacher in that sort of situation is a quick response to confirm receipt of the email and then a mention about needing some time to properly consider the issue and when to expect a response.

When did we all become so distant?

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry, OP. In my child’s grade we’ve had 3 moms become widowed since the kids started Kindergarten. I wish you were here because the first mom worked really hard to put resources and processes in place at school to support her kids, and it benefited the entire school community.

One of the moms is someone I didn’t know at all but my kid always admired their kid even though they’re the opposite gender and didn’t really know each other. I knew one of her other kids did an intense sport far away on nights that I happened to be free, so I said “I know this is weird, but I can drive Larla on x night if that would help her keep getting to practice.” The mom said yes. Maybe she felt weird about it and maybe the kid did too, but over time we all got to be good family friends. Now my little girl and her older girl do a different sport together…and I’m still driving once a week.

Do you have an acquaintance in the community who can just start a signup genius or something else for you? In our grade there’s one outspoken, extrovert mom who took on this role and stepped in when a family really needed help. It only took a tiny hint from the mom who lost her DH and then the extrovert mom ran with it and half the school received the signup genius with things listed like “Tuesday soccer dropoff”, “Wednesday school pickup”, “Thursday freezer meal”, etc. It filled quickly because people who wanted to help but were frozen in place felt the nudge and stepped up.

We need to find you an assistant/advocate/spokesperson. If that isn’t a friend or fellow parent, is there a guidance counselor or school administrator or PTA volunteer who might help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I knew. There is a mom I have to see frequently who does this to me a few times a year. I can’t wait until our kids aren’t on the same team and I can say bye biatch.

There is a Chevy Chase lawyer father that does this to me and does it to a few other parents at our school that he deems not important enough. If we are talking to someone he wants to shmooze with for his law firm, he interrupts our conversation and puts his back to us. Happens all of the time so it is clearly not a mistake and not just to me. Have not figured out how to deal with him yet but some day I will just tell him how rude he is in front of others and he will be so embarrassed he will think twice about doing it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys mean like, in the moment someone is ignoring you? Or like, you feel they disregarded your opinion on something?

I mean like when people literally don’t respond to something you ask them. Like, emailing a business partner or kid’s teacher, or sending a text to a kid’s team member’s parent and they don’t respond and it’s about something that affects your kid. Things like that.

Email them again. Then call. Then go up the chain (i.e. forward the email to the principal/manager).

For other parents, don't let them affect your kid. If they're supposed to bring something but they don't respond, then you bring it. I'm trying to figure out that scenario and how I couldn't just take the reins myself.

Go old school and use the methods we used before the interwebs.

Phone directly. People's email inboxes can get over filled with junk and unnecessary cc.ed messages. They may be overwhelmed and stop looking at their inbox.

Or send your kid in with a note to hand to the teacher.

Or ask for a ten minute meeting if the issue is important enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. These are helpful. What about the teacher who won’t respond to my emails asking about my kids? Do you just forward to the head of school after 24 hours (or what amount of time?)?

You have to give them more time. I don’t think it’s deliberate, unless you are pestering them. Teachers are crushed with time and I assume they wil get back to me eventually. If it has been a few days, I might send anther email.

Agree 24 hours seems like a short time, especially since you have no idea if the teacher is absent, dealing with a health issue, or slammed with other stuff. Also, it’s much easier to respond quickly to a message about “did you get the permission slip I sent in for Timmy’s field trip” than “how are my children doing in school following the death of a parent.” For the latter, I would want time to observe, think about my response, and then time to quietly craft a thoughtful email back and/or set up a check in phone call. This might not all be doable in a 1 day time frame. So I would assume the weight of the topic could affect the response time.

I think you should wait 72 hours or so and then follow up politely. Hopefully the teacher will respond within that time or at least give you an initial response like “hi, I have been watching her throughout the week and making some observations, I plan to follow up with a longer email this weekend.” If not, reach out to the school counselor or some sort of admin.

The best response by a teacher in that sort of situation is a quick response to confirm receipt of the email and then a mention about needing some time to properly consider the issue and when to expect a response.

When did we all become so distant?

When they invented cell phones and emails and text messaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry, OP. In my child’s grade we’ve had 3 moms become widowed since the kids started Kindergarten. I wish you were here because the first mom worked really hard to put resources and processes in place at school to support her kids, and it benefited the entire school community.

One of the moms is someone I didn’t know at all but my kid always admired their kid even though they’re the opposite gender and didn’t really know each other. I knew one of her other kids did an intense sport far away on nights that I happened to be free, so I said “I know this is weird, but I can drive Larla on x night if that would help her keep getting to practice.” The mom said yes. Maybe she felt weird about it and maybe the kid did too, but over time we all got to be good family friends. Now my little girl and her older girl do a different sport together…and I’m still driving once a week.

Do you have an acquaintance in the community who can just start a signup genius or something else for you? In our grade there’s one outspoken, extrovert mom who took on this role and stepped in when a family really needed help. It only took a tiny hint from the mom who lost her DH and then the extrovert mom ran with it and half the school received the signup genius with things listed like “Tuesday soccer dropoff”, “Wednesday school pickup”, “Thursday freezer meal”, etc. It filled quickly because people who wanted to help but were frozen in place felt the nudge and stepped up.

We need to find you an assistant/advocate/spokesperson. If that isn’t a friend or fellow parent, is there a guidance counselor or school administrator or PTA volunteer who might help?

This is a really good point. The people who receive the most help in a crisis are often people who are friends with these helper types and don't seem too independent.

OP, can you reach out to one of these helper types to see if they can coordinate some temporary help for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I knew. There is a mom I have to see frequently who does this to me a few times a year. I can’t wait until our kids aren’t on the same team and I can say bye biatch.

There is a Chevy Chase lawyer father that does this to me and does it to a few other parents at our school that he deems not important enough. If we are talking to someone he wants to shmooze with for his law firm, he interrupts our conversation and puts his back to us. Happens all of the time so it is clearly not a mistake and not just to me. Have not figured out how to deal with him yet but some day I will just tell him how rude he is in front of others and he will be so embarrassed he will think twice about doing it again.

It sucks that other people let this happen. I've had people try to ice out the person I'm speaking to, but I maintain eye contact with the first person and don't let it happen.

I would jump in front of him with your back to him and half jokingly say "Good lord Steve, what are you doing?" Make a joke out of how rude he's being. It lets everyone laugh it off, but he'll get the point.

[Anonymous]

I get angry, but I would just continue to remind them they were asked on such and such a date and I would act put out that I am sitting around wondering what the answer is because they still have not responded.