I agree with the poster who said that the best path forward is premarital counseling, with a huge focus on compromise in decision making plus all the assumptions that each of you have baked in about how these next phases of your lives will go - and where your assumptions align with each other (and where they don't).
OP, you are 34, you've been dating for 15 months and yet your plan is to wait an additional 15+ months before you get married. That's also at odds with a "have kids young" plan. Is there a world where she can speed up the start of grad school and begin this fall or in the spring? What if you eloped and got pregnant with kid 1 now, then took a break before kid 2? Or had two kids, then you took on primary parenting while she focused on grad school / career advancement? The bottom line is that you both have a million different ways to compromise - but you are only focused here on your plan and what you want. |
OP here. I’m not entirely sure since I don’t have kids. I can financially support a family by myself but totally cool with her wanting to work and having childcare. We will likely outsource a lot of household chores to maximize family time. |
OP here. I’m not sure where you got waiting an additional 15+ months to get married? We will be getting engaged this summer and marry next year. It will be 8-12 months from engaged to married. |
The way the PP wrote it seems harsh and cynical but truthfully I thought the same thing while reading the OP. I'm sorry, OP. |
I applaud you for switching genders this time. |
Well than she is not the right one for you. Shared goals and interests are very important. Your timelines don't match. I waited to have kids till all our student loans were paid off and we started our medical practice. Again, we talked this over. If you can't have a conversation about this that is also a problem. Be an adult and use your words. |
You have no idea. My births were horrible but pregnancy was not hard at all. I was in my mid and late thirties. Don’t assume pregnancy is hard for most women. Many women have fairly early pregnancies and it is just uncomfortable at the end. |
That is not true at all. She is 32. Fertility cliff at 35 is a myth. |
+1 mid to late thirties is normal to start having kids here |
I had fertility issues at 32. I would recommend she goes to her GYN and get bloodwork to check her fertility. If she’s 32, wait 3 years, best case she’s 36 for first kid. I had my first at 35. Can’t imagine having 3 in a few years. |
Family time sounds cute. You didn’t answer anything about putting in the time to do your share of the hard work. There will be a lot of hard work even if you outsource a lot. Today you can’t just say you want four kids, you have to commit to being their caretaker, or at the very least an equal partner in their caretaking. Otherwise you will sound, and do sound, like you want to enroll her into a life that will be a lot harder and less free than your own. she is balking and wants to further her education for a better chance at equality and more freedom. |