Husband doesn't do what he says he will do, even little things.

[Anonymous]

This describes the marriages of most of my friends (and mine too).

Why are so many men content to just live their lives on autopilot? My DH is so completely checked out and basically just wants to be left alone to zone out in front of a screen 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

[Anonymous]

Like what PP.
Peel back the onion and provide examples from both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

We should enter some kind of spouse swap. My husband wants a wife who nags more. I would like to be with someone who is leading the family and has a good understanding of his priorities in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

+1. Get him checked out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

Please list the priorities for your “family” that your wife doesn’t value. Especially those not “for the kids”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

I have ADHD and at least for me the issue is the receptiveness of it. For instance you say in the evening that you would like me to do A, B and C the next day. Then first thing in the morning you remind to do A, B, & C. Then before we leave for the day you remind me I need to do A, B, & C. I have a meeting that starts at 8 before any of the places I need to reach out to open. When I get out of meeting I have two texts from you asking if I have done A, B, C & now a D.

How my brain translates that becomes overwhelming-

Evening I only need to do A,B & C.
First thing in the morning I need to A, B, C, AA, BB, & CC.
Before we leave I now need to to A, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CC & C
After my meeting I need to A,, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CCC, AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, AAAAA, BBBBB, CCCCC & D.

Flame away but this is an honest opinion of what it feels like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

My DH's own list of stuff is working out and working.

Missed deadline for tax assessment appeal- he said he would do it
Didnt make surgical f/u appt for the vet visit that he attended and then never called to make it
Did not repair screens this winter so we are either hot or need to turn on AC once its warm
Took 2 years to flush the instant hot water heater after the year 1 of install (needs to be done yearly)
Was 3 months late registering his car. Said he did it when it was due but never got stickers and then realized it 3 months after the fact.


In my world, my DH doesnt need to ask me to do anything because I do almost everything not directly house-repair related. He does do toilets, trash, and recycling, and cleans the garage.

I do all appointments for kids and animals, all handyman scheduling, all FSA/HSA medical receipts tracking and submission, summer camps, spring break camps, sports sign-ups, meal planning, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, deep cleaning, purging, daily house pickup, all family scheduling, all birthday party gifts, school paperwork, vacuuming, laundry for myself, kids, towels, sheets, etc. I have a written out list of breakfast lunch and dinner each day. Still have to remind him to start making dinner at 4-430 because I am working and he is not.

He didn't take the trash out Monday and I noticed when I came home from dropping my kid off so I did it, he didn't have to ask because I saw something not done and did it. He took out the recycling this morning but didn't empty the recycling bin in the kitchen- still did it without being asked.

Love him but it is frustrating.

Do you work full time as well? I feel so unaccomplished reading weekly tasks like this

[Anonymous]

I got sick of doing it all. Ex was accomplished at work but absolutely useless managing anything at home or with kid. I took half and left. Life is short and marrying him didn’t equal being his mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

I have ADHD and at least for me the issue is the receptiveness of it. For instance you say in the evening that you would like me to do A, B and C the next day. Then first thing in the morning you remind to do A, B, & C. Then before we leave for the day you remind me I need to do A, B, & C. I have a meeting that starts at 8 before any of the places I need to reach out to open. When I get out of meeting I have two texts from you asking if I have done A, B, C & now a D.

How my brain translates that becomes overwhelming-

Evening I only need to do A,B & C.
First thing in the morning I need to A, B, C, AA, BB, & CC.
Before we leave I now need to to A, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CC & C
After my meeting I need to A,, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CCC, AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, AAAAA, BBBBB, CCCCC & D.

Flame away but this is an honest opinion of what it feels like.

Why don’t you respond the first time with your quick plan of when you will do A, B and C. Then do the basic plan you said.

Responding would make everyone shut up.

Doing it when you responded that you would, would make everyone shut up.

Then you all can talk about nrimal aruff, because no one’s nagging or dropping the ball or holding out doing $hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

I have ADHD and at least for me the issue is the receptiveness of it. For instance you say in the evening that you would like me to do A, B and C the next day. Then first thing in the morning you remind to do A, B, & C. Then before we leave for the day you remind me I need to do A, B, & C. I have a meeting that starts at 8 before any of the places I need to reach out to open. When I get out of meeting I have two texts from you asking if I have done A, B, C & now a D.

How my brain translates that becomes overwhelming-

Evening I only need to do A,B & C.
First thing in the morning I need to A, B, C, AA, BB, & CC.
Before we leave I now need to to A, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CC & C
After my meeting I need to A,, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CCC, AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, AAAAA, BBBBB, CCCCC & D.

Flame away but this is an honest opinion of what it feels like.

Why don’t you respond the first time with your quick plan of when you will do A, B and C. Then do the basic plan you said.

Responding would make everyone shut up.

Doing it when you responded that you would, would make everyone shut up.

Then you all can talk about nrimal aruff, because no one’s nagging or dropping the ball or holding out doing $hit.

This is so true.

It helps both parties; it’s the core virtue of communication.

The best managers, students, leaders, households all do it. When someone brings up an action item suggestion or question the other person RESPONDS relatively quickly noting the ask, saying they understand or do not, and stating “I’ll get to it at 2pm or this evening”.

And they di, they follow through. That builds trust and the relationship.

Likewise doing the opposite - or responding in any form, not following through in a timely manner or never doing it - breaks trust and the relationship.

We’ve had to manage the airheads, who need to be told tight deadlines and exactly what to do. Then monitored and reminded and out on a PIP.
It’s exhausting and wastes everyone’s time. Is hate to have to do that at home too with an adult life partner. Get a coach for that Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

Please list the priorities for your “family” that your wife doesn’t value. Especially those not “for the kids”.

The kinds that are relational and create a sense of community for our family, the kinds that pay all the bills and get everyone set for life, the kinds that reduce the stress levels in the household when everyone is emotional and expects dad to keep his cool when no one else is. You'd shit goat tits through your nose if you knew 1% of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

Please list the priorities for your “family” that your wife doesn’t value. Especially those not “for the kids”.

The kinds that are relational and create a sense of community for our family, the kinds that pay all the bills and get everyone set for life, the kinds that reduce the stress levels in the household when everyone is emotional and expects dad to keep his cool when no one else is. You'd shit goat tits through your nose if you knew 1% of it.

What does that mean, practically? What action items do those things require? What tasks do you do to "create a sense of community for our family," or "reduce the stress levels in the household?" What's your "to do" list for that?

Please tell, I've never sh!t goat tits through my nose before and I'm dying to experience it.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t work? And you do everything, and work? Leave. He’s manipulating you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah umm No.
Pull your own weight - sorry.