Husband doesn't do what he says he will do, even little things.

[Anonymous]

"I'll call them tomorrow in the morning."
"I'll do that later."
"I'll get to that this weekend."

I can't deal with this anymore. I have my own TO DO list I can't keep track of mine and yours to keep following up if you haven't done your part.

How would you handle this?

It's not only these little things but bigs things too never move forward with him, all talking no doing. Looking to move states, I'm the only one doing research or anything. Starting to think I'd be better on my own. Losing trust in this man. This is making my life harder not easier now. I just keep accepting the crumbs and I've over it.

[Anonymous]

I would stop picking up his slack, focus on your own priorities and let his stuff fall by the wayside. Don't ask him to do anything unless you're happy with it being undone. Only assign him things where he will feel the pain if he doesn't do it.

Just kidding. Leave.

[Anonymous]

We have a written list.

I email it every Friday and Monday.

I cross off the stuff I do in red and his in blue.

It sits on the island.

It's like a vision board.

Eventually he feels bad he has not crossed anything off.

We rarely talk about it. But I do, about 4x a year say, I need these done, then he takes i seriously because it's not a constant nag.

[Anonymous]

Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a written list.

I email it every Friday and Monday.

I cross off the stuff I do in red and his in blue.

It sits on the island.

It's like a vision board.

Eventually he feels bad he has not crossed anything off.

We rarely talk about it. But I do, about 4x a year say, I need these done, then he takes i seriously because it's not a constant nag.

Have you tried this? My husband does better with written rather than verbal asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a written list.

I email it every Friday and Monday.

I cross off the stuff I do in red and his in blue.

It sits on the island.

It's like a vision board.

Eventually he feels bad he has not crossed anything off.

We rarely talk about it. But I do, about 4x a year say, I need these done, then he takes i seriously because it's not a constant nag.

This is a good idea! What is the list composed of like general household management things things or basic chores too like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming? Both? I feel like this is a great way to show who's doing what. How are time sensitive things handled by the list? --Thanks for this, I like this idea!

[Anonymous]

How long has this gone on for OP?

[Anonymous]

You guys are being too nice. “Later” means that he’s not planning to do it, and he wants you to leave him alone.
You can do what you want with that, but creating some kind of list where you help him keep track of things he said he would “do later” is a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a written list.

I email it every Friday and Monday.

I cross off the stuff I do in red and his in blue.

It sits on the island.

It's like a vision board.

Eventually he feels bad he has not crossed anything off.

We rarely talk about it. But I do, about 4x a year say, I need these done, then he takes i seriously because it's not a constant nag.

This is a good idea! What is the list composed of like general household management things things or basic chores too like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming? Both? I feel like this is a great way to show who's doing what. How are time sensitive things handled by the list? --Thanks for this, I like this idea!

My list looks like this

Summer camp registration Week 1-3 X program
Summer camp registration week 5 - no ideas, need help finding camp
Vacation - schedule fishing trip
Schedule dr appt for Larlo, knee pain
Request immunization from dr for camps
Car needs oil change
Van need air in tires
Fix light fixture boys room
Birthday invitations need to be sent
Easter menu
Grill gas replacement
Contact geico about accident - request check
Submit therapy to care 1st for February
Clean off deck for Spring

Don’t do this for grocery/cooking/cleaning/laundry

I cook, he cleans, I do my laundry, he does his and kids, I do grocery shopping… those are more like standing assignments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

My DH's own list of stuff is working out and working.

Missed deadline for tax assessment appeal- he said he would do it
Didnt make surgical f/u appt for the vet visit that he attended and then never called to make it
Did not repair screens this winter so we are either hot or need to turn on AC once its warm
Took 2 years to flush the instant hot water heater after the year 1 of install (needs to be done yearly)
Was 3 months late registering his car. Said he did it when it was due but never got stickers and then realized it 3 months after the fact.


In my world, my DH doesnt need to ask me to do anything because I do almost everything not directly house-repair related. He does do toilets, trash, and recycling, and cleans the garage.

I do all appointments for kids and animals, all handyman scheduling, all FSA/HSA medical receipts tracking and submission, summer camps, spring break camps, sports sign-ups, meal planning, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, deep cleaning, purging, daily house pickup, all family scheduling, all birthday party gifts, school paperwork, vacuuming, laundry for myself, kids, towels, sheets, etc. I have a written out list of breakfast lunch and dinner each day. Still have to remind him to start making dinner at 4-430 because I am working and he is not.

He didn't take the trash out Monday and I noticed when I came home from dropping my kid off so I did it, he didn't have to ask because I saw something not done and did it. He took out the recycling this morning but didn't empty the recycling bin in the kitchen- still did it without being asked.

Love him but it is frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Give him a list of things to do and give him dates the item is due. Do the same for yourself. Do all of this on a whiteboard. Could be that he just doesn't have enough to do so he's putting off the things he does need to do. I do this myself. If I can visually see that my to-do list is really long, I'm more likely to jump on it. It's annoying to have to manage your husband, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Just keep nagging more, he'll eventually change. Have you tried waking him up in the middle of the night to nag him? That works like a charm.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t him saying that he *will* do these things. This is him saying that he *won’t* do these things.

I would just say that outright. Like, “Hey, we both know you aren’t planning to do it this weekend. Do you want me to do it? I can do it, but I just want to be upfront that it makes me hate you like 1% more. So, if I do it, you had better come up with some kind of plan to make me love you again or we probably aren’t going to have sex for a week.”

[Anonymous]

This sounds crazy, but I swear it works:

Before you ask him to do something, go somewhere out of eyeline of the kids and make sure he is looking at you. Then, take both of your hands, put one on each of your boobs, and lift them and squeeze them together to create a bunch of cleavage. At that point, you will have his complete attention, and you can ask him to do whatever it is that you want him to do and be sure it will get done.

I’ve been married for 15 years and have three kids and this still works.