The "sister" I never wanted
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Anonymous
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So the title is a misnomer - I'm an only child. My mom always wanted more kids but it didn't happen. For the past 20 years or so (since I was a teen) she's "adopted" (figuratively, not literally) other young women and call them/treat them like they are her kids. These aren't people who are in a rough spot -- most are more privileged than we are and come from stable homes.
My issue is not that my mom is filling a void. It's that she CONSTANTLY compares me to these women in a negative way. "Sally can eat anything she wants and is always a size 2. It looks like you've put on some weight". well, Sally doesn't share your genetics or Grandmas love of cake. "Molly just married a multimillionaire hedge fund manager." Sorry, my DH and I are solidly middle class... "Sarah just bought a beach house in the Hamptons and are taking us for the weekend". Sorry mom, my extra money goes to my grad school student loans - Sarah had a trust fund...i didn't. I just roll my eyes. The examples I gave are pretty mild compared to the weekly jabs. I'm not jealous - I've been through years of therapy to come to terms with the fact that I'll never live up to my parents expectations. I'm actually doing fine - I went to good schools, I've risen quickly in my career, own a home, have a loveky family - never got into any trouble or asked for anything. My DH thinks this needs to stop since my mom is living in la la land. We have a baby on the way and he is worried that my mom will do it to the kid. Would you say something? How would you handle it? I don't want my kid to go through what I did. (Aka "You only got an A? Jessica got an A+. Why can't you be more like her?") |
Anonymous
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I'd tell her you're going to cut her out of your life if she continues to compare you to other people. And then I'd do it.
Love, A cold-hearted bitch |
Anonymous
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Yes! It's freaky. My mom, who I love dearly, because BFFs with the younger women she works with. They go to happy hours, she goes to their weddings, showers, throws them baby showers and has them over for cookie decorating parties. Kind of drives me crazy. Especially since they're all having kids and DH and I don't have any (we're 29). It makes me pretty jealous, but what can I do? I just don't mention it. One of the girls even has the same name as me. When I got married I didn't even get a shower since it's not polite for your family to throw you one, but she throws them beautiful showers. Gah.
I just redirect any time she mentions them. |
Anonymous
| I have the same mother. She also adopts grandkids and tells me about them in excruciating detail, and then neglects her own ones. |
Anonymous
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Op here - glad I'm not the only one! Sorry you all deal with this too.
I don't get it - my in laws are such great parents, so rah-rah with their kids. Always there for them. My parents are like "meh, disappointing -- only an A student doing reasonably well in life -- you could have been richer, thinner or prettier...then maybe we'd be happier." And "oh, you are in the hospital - maybe we can see you in 3 weeks - you know tennis season is just so busy for us." It's been swell... |
Anonymous
You will do well to mourn not having the parents you wish you have. It is the only way you will be able to emotionally dettach from your parents, and then be around them and view their jabs and comparisons as amusement, rather than hurtful comments. |
Anonymous
No. Just No. OP, your mother does this b/c it's about her not living up to her own expectations. She's obviously so insecure; it's pathetic. Next time she says something stupid, I'd be tempted to say with a smile, "Well, it's too bad I wasn't born into Sally's family. I guess it's too late for me." But truly, have you ever just asked her to stop making these comments? It will be several years b/f your kid will catch onto this b.s. But if you've asked her to stop making the comments, the next time she says something dumb, say, "You know Mom, the comparisons to X/Y/Z are truly inconsiderate and mean-spirited." |
Anonymous
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OP, you can't change someone else. No magic words. No secret sauce.
Agree w/pp - have you asked her to stop making these comments? Excuse yourself and leave, end the conversation. Whatever. Give up on the fantasy of "The Mom you want" |
Anonymous
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My MIL has also adopted several young women and treat them and their families like her own. To the point that they call her Mom in front of me and DH.
OP, there's not much you can do. Your mom is going to create the relationships she wants with other people. |
Anonymous
| If you wanted to be petty, you could turn it back around on her -- "Well, maybe if I had Sally's mother's genes, I'd be thinner too." "Maybe if I'd had Molly's parents I would have met a hedge fund manager too." "It's too bad I didn't have parents to give me a trust fund like Sarah did." |
Anonymous
| Yep, turn it around on her. Only thing that works with my narcissistic Mom; she'll be mad (or attack worse) in the short term but, it she's like my mom, she'll think twice about making the criticism later on. |
Anonymous
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eh, your mom sounds super obnoxious. It is Not o.k. to "replace" her own child with versions that she likes better. Sorry, she does sound kind of narcissistic.
I would get the hell away from her to be quite honest. |
Anonymous
| Where does your mom find these women? Was she their nanny or something? |
Anonymous
| I doubt it's about you not living up to her expectations, OP. It's about her feelings of guilt for whatever she feels she did wrong or badly as a parent. But because she's not the type to be honest with herself or others or mature enough to seek positive change, she's latching on to other women who are successful to "take credit" to prove she is a good parent. |
Anonymous
| You've got a baby on the way - so at least your top priority here is crystal clear. |