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[quote=Anonymous]If you have any thoughts on whether parental estrangement is a good or bad idea in my situation, please let me know.

It's hard to decide whether estrangement is appropriate because my parents are really good people.  They are hard working.  They are professionals.  My mother survived a horrible childhood that has left her emotionally inept and deals with closet alcoholism.  She is a very cold individual and not one whom I (or any of my siblings) can speak to on a "real" level.  My father is a kind person, but has made mean comments to me about how selfish, mean, and stupid I am since I was a child.  For example, when I was a child, I was hit my a car.  For the next several years, whenever we crossed a street, my father would mock me by saying, "This is how you cross a street" in a condescending tone and laugh.

However, my parents have supported me financially and paid for my education and living expenses until I finished graduate school.  If I were in a true emergency, I know they would be there for me.

My relationship with them has become more and more strained in my thirties.  My parents do not come and see me or my kids unless it is an obligatory event that would reflect poorly on them if they did not attend, such as a holiday or family party when others expect them to show up.  They constantly visit my sister who lives nearby, who has always been their "golden child," and who has been told her entire life that she is selfless and kind.  It is obvious to me (and to other family members who have observed the situation and commented to me, completely unsolicited, that it must be very painful for me) that my parents simply do not like me and prefer not to be around me.

I'm in my late 30s.  I have several children.  I went through a very hard phase as a teen when I smoked pot, but that period spanned from the age of 15 to 21, and I've never had problems with addiction since then.  When I was 22, I went to graduate school and became extremely serious about my career.  I am in a high-achieving field and have received accolades and public recognition for my achievements (think along the lines of being a partner at law firm), but still manage to work part time.  My parents believe that, if I were a good mother, that I would be home with my kids 100% of the time, and have refused to help me with childcare for work emergencies (though again, they help my stay at home sister with her kids several times a week).

On a recent birthday, I received a searing example of the kind of painful comment I received often growing up.  After my husband toasted me, I joked, "I can't believe that I have survived XX years."  My father, who was sitting next to me, said, "You're not the one who survived.  Your mother and I survived.  From the time you were 4 until a couple of years ago, you were awful.  Your mother and I should be the ones celebrating today for surviving XX years of you."

I've spoken to my siblings about this comment.  They were mortified and said that it wasn't true.  While I certainly am imperfect and am no angel (especially as a teen), they consider me to be kind and thoughtful.

On the rare occasion that they call me, I either don't pick up the phone and cry, or pick up the phone and have a very awkward, forced conversation with them.  I'm beginning to think that having a formal estrangement would decrease the upset and pain I feel when I think of them, have contact with them, or hear what they are up to.

I want to provide positive energy to my children and to my work.  When I am caught up in the pain that my parents cause me, it's borderline paralyzing and prevents me from doing anything well.  I don't want to hurt my parents, but I just don't want them to hurt me anymore.  
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