Sensitivity to SIL having a hard time getting pregnant

[Anonymous]

I am having a very unplanned third child next month. My SIL is a delightful person who is basically kind and supportive under all circumstances. She has been trying to get pg for about 9 months with no luck at this point -- they are planning a trip to the developing world in October that I know she would have cancelled if she were expecting. I'm absolutely confident that she is - internally - starting to be extremely anxious. I'm also absolutely confident that her husband (DH's brother) is being only marginally helpful. My SIL periodically checks in with me via text to see how I'm doing, but she hasn't called me in a while, which I totally understand. But, I was just told (via a different SIL) that at MIL's insistence, the whole family is coming to our house for Thanksgiving (a flight away for all). I cannot imagine that my SIL will want to be here, seeing my new baby and two other kids, for four days around Thanksgiving if she still has had no luck by then. But, she is such a people pleaser that I don't think she will fight my MIL. What can I do to ease up this situation? My focus at Thanksgiving will necessarily be on managing my new baby and other kids -- it's not like I can just talk to her about things while she visits my house of chaos. I don't want to ask DH to tell his mom to give them a break as I have no idea what MIL knows/does not know about their family plans. Do I just try to be sensitive but kind of ignore the situation? the whole thing is in many ways none of my business, but I would be really upset if a forced visit to my house caused grief for a dear person.....

[Anonymous]

She is an adult. If she wants to say no, she can do that. You are projecting the feelings you think you'd have, on her. A person can hold two opposite feelings at the same time. She can be happy for you and wish she could have a baby all at the same time. Talk to her about her overseas trip. Talk to her about her own life.

But really, she's an adult and can say no to coming if she doesn't want to show up at your house. And, by the way, you are also an adult - if YOU do not want to host THanksgiving a month after giving birth, YOU can say no to hosting it. Your MIL is kind of an asshole.

[Anonymous]

It's really too soon to be worried about this. Let SIL take the lead here. They can decide what to do themselves.

Speaking of...the whole "at MIL's insistence" everyone is coming to your house for Thanksgiving? What, with a six week old? Are you ok with that?

[Anonymous]

When I was struggling having people complain about how early their kids got up, or how annoying pregnancy was etc really always bothered me. Yes, it's ok if it comes up, but try not to dwell and look for sympathy from her. But I had one or two friends who wanted to complain ALL THE TIME about their kids and inside I was always screaming "I WOULD KILL FOR MY OWN KIDS SHUT UP".

You don't need to tip toe around her or cancel Thanksgiving. This is life. Babies, infertility, annoying MILs, all of it. You have to live it. Be sensitive by being kind to her, don't use her as a dumping ground for your kids complaints, and by all means, make sure the poor woman has enough wine to drink.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as an infertile person, there's nothing you can do to make her feel better. Hiding your children away from her will just make her feel like a freak. The best thing you can do is to be kind to her. Be encouraging, in a non-specific way. DO NOT say "just relax", "it will happen", "have you tried...(insert any assortment of stupid things, i.e. Robitussin, pineapple, cervical mucous checks, standing on your head, etc.). She will probably enjoy some baby time and your other kids, too. Let her snuggle the new one if she seems inclined.

[Anonymous]

9 months isn't all that long to be trying. It took about that long, or a little longer for me to conceive my daughter, and in no way shape or form did I find it difficult to be around others' babies. And if I had, I'd have been SOL as DH is from a huge family and someone is always pregnant/caring for a baby. Honestly, I didn't even tell people we were TTC--why would I?

How do you know she is extremely anxious? Has she told you? If so, maybe have a conversation with her about Thanksgiving. If not, stop projecting! I'd have been really irritated if people were assuming how I felt.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. This one is on her to work through.

Can we focus on the fact you are hosting Thanksgiving with a newborn and two other children? WTF is that. I'm due right around Halloween and have already told people not to expect us at Thanksgiving. And that's not even at my house.

[Anonymous]

You never know. We're having trouble conceiving (almost 2 years) and I would LOVE to see a new niece/nephew. I don't know any babies and I'd like to be around them. I think baby showers are the hardest.

[Anonymous]

It took us well over a year to get pregnant, including months of fertility treatments. It sucked, but I never took it out on anybody else. I still attended all the things, interacted with everybody, held babies. You don't need to assume she's no longer a functioning adult because it's taking a long time to get pregnant .

The only time I felt irritated with people was when they seemed to resent their babies/kids. So please, do not talk about how it was an unexpected pregnancy, don't complain about how full your hands are with all these kids. I mean, no need to be phony or pretend, just keep things in check. Don't say anything about how you envy her ability to sleep in on a Saturday, etc.

I do want to emphasize that there's no need to walk on eggshells. Just be cool, man

[Anonymous]

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that your MIL not only decided you are hosting Thanksgiving and told everyone else in the family this, BUT DIDN'T TELL YOU. Bad enough she doesn't ask you, but you have to find out from a SIL? Seriously, WTF? That sounds like a way bigger issue than your SIL's potential struggles with infertility.

[Anonymous]

Get a backbone, lady. Tell your MIL that you heard through the grapevine that she was inviting people to your house for THanksgiving but hadn't told you. Tell her that you will not be hosting Thanksgiving this year and to please refrain from making plans at your house without telling you.

And then butt out of your SIL's head. You don't know what she's thinking. Pick up the phone and call her if you haven't heard from her for a while and want to talk. If not, stop trying to read her mind.

[Anonymous]

I think the best thing to do is to invite your SIL, but just understand if she doesn't come, or keeps the visit short, or is grumpy when she gets there. Just give her some space, and as others have said, don't use her to vent about how hard motherhood is. Just be respectful.

I would NOT tell MIL that it is a bad idea and why. If MIL is the type to insist Thanksgiving is at your house, she's the type to make a big deal about this in the wrong way.