Learned my child tried to cheat through looking at his texts

[Anonymous]

I have access to my child's phone and learned through looking at his texts that he attempted to get a homework assignment from friends. He was having difficulty with the assignment and realized at 10pm the night before it was due that he had done it wrong. He is in 11th grade. He offered to pay friends for them to give him the work. Fortunately, no one agreed, but I am concerned that he would even consider cheating. I would prefer not having a fight over his privacy, but feel I must address this issue. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have access to my child's phone and learned through looking at his texts that he attempted to get a homework assignment from friends. He was having difficulty with the assignment and realized at 10pm the night before it was due that he had done it wrong. He is in 11th grade. He offered to pay friends for them to give him the work. Fortunately, no one agreed, but I am concerned that he would even consider cheating. I would prefer not having a fight over his privacy, but feel I must address this issue. Any suggestions?

Yeah here is one. Tell him that you know that he tried to buy his way out of doing his own work. Take the damned phone away and try being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Take the phone away and tell him he needs to earn back your trust. He should have no expectation of privacy on that phone: you paid for the phone, and pay the monthly charges/data plan, yes? That is YOUR phone.

Be the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have access to my child's phone and learned through looking at his texts that he attempted to get a homework assignment from friends. He was having difficulty with the assignment and realized at 10pm the night before it was due that he had done it wrong. He is in 11th grade. He offered to pay friends for them to give him the work. Fortunately, no one agreed, but I am concerned that he would even consider cheating. I would prefer not having a fight over his privacy, but feel I must address this issue. Any suggestions?

Yeah here is one. Tell him that you know that he tried to buy his way out of doing his own work. Take the damned phone away and try being a parent.

WHOA. OP is being a parent...she's asking for advice on how to deal with this situation. And how does taking the phone away help?

OP, talk to your son on how to deal with a last minute crisis. Does your son handle pressure this badly in other situations? Tell him he absolutely cannot do this. If this was a case of bad judgment one time on the part of a teen, then I would be inclined to counsel him. He needs strategies for dealing with situations like this. Sit down with him -- both you and your husband should participate. He should be made to think of three (at least) strategies for how he could have dealt with this situation -- staying up and doing the assignment again; taking a bad grade; explaining the situation to the teacher and showing him/her his effort; asking for an extension, etc. He also needs to understand that not everyone has financial resources to buy their way out of issues.

If he has done this before -- it's time to punish.

[Anonymous]

Get him a tutor with the money he saved by not cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him a tutor with the money he saved by not cheating.

Going rate for tutors around here is $75 an hour.

[Anonymous]

Why is he so stressed out about 1 homework assignment.

What happened when it was wrong?

Do you ground him for B's or something equally insane?

[Anonymous]

Don't take the phone. It is impossible to do school without one (that is where my kid has his daily planner).

The issue here is the attempt at cheating by a stressed out kid. It is time for a discussion. If you punish, your child will just become more secretive in his communications. If you show some empathy, you may have success at learning why the kid chose this path, and you can work with your kid on ways for him to seek help sooner.

Treat this seriously, but don't treat it like an abuse of the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't take the phone. It is impossible to do school without one (that is where my kid has his daily planner).

The issue here is the attempt at cheating by a stressed out kid. It is time for a discussion. If you punish, your child will just become more secretive in his communications. If you show some empathy, you may have success at learning why the kid chose this path, and you can work with your kid on ways for him to seek help sooner.

Treat this seriously, but don't treat it like an abuse of the phone.

Not true. If he needs a daily planner, he can buy a paper one and write his assignments/tests, etc in it. People have been successfully doing this for years including me. OP- Did he text friends to get the answers? If so, I'd absolutely take the phone away. Not only is he trying to cheat, he isn't smart enough to remove the evidence of it for everyone to see. Imagine if he left that evidence for his teachers at school to see? Duh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't take the phone. It is impossible to do school without one (that is where my kid has his daily planner).

The issue here is the attempt at cheating by a stressed out kid. It is time for a discussion. If you punish, your child will just become more secretive in his communications. If you show some empathy, you may have success at learning why the kid chose this path, and you can work with your kid on ways for him to seek help sooner.

Treat this seriously, but don't treat it like an abuse of the phone.

Not true. If he needs a daily planner, he can buy a paper one and write his assignments/tests, etc in it. People have been successfully doing this for years including me. OP- Did he text friends to get the answers? If so, I'd absolutely take the phone away. Not only is he trying to cheat, he isn't smart enough to remove the evidence of it for everyone to see. Imagine if he left that evidence for his teachers at school to see? Duh!

Of course we used to do it this way, but it is not the standard now and won't teach him the right lessons if we force him to be a Luddite. The "crime" here isn't the technology, but the attempt to cheat. Punish in a way that reflects the infraction and encourages good academic behavior (including texting the friend earlier in the day for help when fixing the problem is still an option).

And FYI the teachers often post the homework/changes to the assignment electronically.

His friends said "no", so we don't want to discourage those friendships.

[Anonymous]

Definitely worth having a talk about cheating, why it's wrong, how it hurts both him and others, and the ethics of doing what's right even when nobody is looking. It's better to get a D or F where you tried your hardest than an A or B where you cheated.

I don't think in 11th grade I'd necessarily punish that the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely worth having a talk about cheating, why it's wrong, how it hurts both him and others, and the ethics of doing what's right even when nobody is looking. It's better to get a D or F where you tried your hardest than an A or B where you cheated.

I don't think in 11th grade I'd necessarily punish that the first time.

11th grade is definitely old enough to punish. The real world consequences are only going to get worse from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Wow I guess I am the only one here who doesn't think sharing assignments is THE WORST.

When I was a kid in high school, I borrowed other people's notes on days I wasn't paying attention in class, and I'm sure I even copied occasional homework assignments or let friends copy mine. I was a dedicated student who took school very seriously, but if a good friend was having a rough time, I would help them out, as they would me. This will happen in real life, too -- something goes wrong at work and you ask your colleagues to help you or cover for you til you get your sh!t together.

If this were my kid I'd be a little worried, maybe, that he asked his friends for the answers instead of for help, and that none of his friends, seeing that he was in trouble at 10pm, offered to help talk him through it. I'd also be worried that he was offering to pay his friends for help instead of them helping just through friendship. What has high school turned into if kids aren't allowed to talk one another through assignments? But I wouldn't go off the deep end because he had a weak moment. I don't know what the school rules are, so maybe it's a bigger deal if schools are really strict now about helping one another.

But it's not crazy to panic and make a bad choice the night before a big project is due because you're stressed. This is a normal thing for your kid to be going through. You're not wrong to talk to him, but please do show some compassion. We put a lot of academic pressure on our kids now, it's a lot to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely worth having a talk about cheating, why it's wrong, how it hurts both him and others, and the ethics of doing what's right even when nobody is looking. It's better to get a D or F where you tried your hardest than an A or B where you cheated.

I don't think in 11th grade I'd necessarily punish that the first time.

11th grade is definitely old enough to punish. The real world consequences are only going to get worse from here on out.

Teach the lesson first. Seems like it never got taught in the first place. And then punish if he does it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I guess I am the only one here who doesn't think sharing assignments is THE WORST.

When I was a kid in high school, I borrowed other people's notes on days I wasn't paying attention in class, and I'm sure I even copied occasional homework assignments or let friends copy mine. I was a dedicated student who took school very seriously, but if a good friend was having a rough time, I would help them out, as they would me. This will happen in real life, too -- something goes wrong at work and you ask your colleagues to help you or cover for you til you get your sh!t together.

If this were my kid I'd be a little worried, maybe, that he asked his friends for the answers instead of for help, and that none of his friends, seeing that he was in trouble at 10pm, offered to help talk him through it. I'd also be worried that he was offering to pay his friends for help instead of them helping just through friendship. What has high school turned into if kids aren't allowed to talk one another through assignments? But I wouldn't go off the deep end because he had a weak moment. I don't know what the school rules are, so maybe it's a bigger deal if schools are really strict now about helping one another.

But it's not crazy to panic and make a bad choice the night before a big project is due because you're stressed. This is a normal thing for your kid to be going through. You're not wrong to talk to him, but please do show some compassion. We put a lot of academic pressure on our kids now, it's a lot to deal with.

I completely agree with this. In fact, if I were you, I'd be secretly happy he's being resourceful.