Parents are hoarders, don't understand why I don't want their junk
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Anonymous
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Love my 70+ yr old parents dearly. But my dad is a hoarder and my mom is an enabler. It was awful growing up living in a house of broken junk, sky high empty containers and piles of newspapers.
its so bad I haven't visited in 3 years. I stay at a hotel or they come to me. Now that they are older, they are thinking of downsizing. But not donating or throwing out stuff -- they want me to take their junk. Moldy, dusty, broken 40 yr old junk. Yes, some was my old kid stuff - I asked them to donate it as they should have in 1989... I even volunteered to pay for haul away. My DD has severe asthma and allergies I can't even have it in my house or she starts wheezing. They are so offended and won't take no for an answer. How would you handle? I really do love them but am so over the hoarding... |
Anonymous
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Maintain your boundaries. Don't take stuff that you don't want.
Can you offer to help them sort it out, though? You could visit, get a dumpster, and a UHaul, and sort the stuff into toss, donate and keep. |
Anonymous
| I hear you OP. Been there. Put it in your car or the rental on the last day of the visit, but go straight to the donation center or dump as needed. Do not tell them you are doing this. :/ |
Anonymous
| Stay strong. Do NOT take it. Offer to rent them a dumpster for a weekend if they want but do NOT take anything yourself. |
Anonymous
Recently went through this with a colleague who was retiring and we just graciously accepted what she wanted to give up then disposed of it immediately. I live in an apartment complex with dumpsters so I brought home what I didn't want and dumped it immediately. Or you could rent a U-haul van for $20 and take the crap to the nearest Salvation Army or Goodwill if it is still usable. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+1000 OP, I am dealing with this with my MIL. We take and them dump all of it (occasionally there is something useful but it's rare). |
Anonymous
| OP - I hate to tell you this but it's only going to get worse. I've not been "home" in two decades because my parents are embarrassed to have me come in the house. My mother mails me oddball ancient things that have to go right in the trash. Unfortunately, it is a very difficult condition to change; most hoarders and enablers are resistant to help. My brother and I are right now trying to decide if it is time to call in on the County's hoarding hotline because our attempts to help have failed. My parents are in their 80s and we live in fear that they are going to fall or catch the house on fire, but they will not let us near the house to help. |
Anonymous
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It's so hard. Have you ever read "Coming clean: a memoir?"
You know you can't take the stuff, but you also know they can't understand that. They have some huge feelings around this, but it still doesn't mean that you have to do what they say. I so appreciate that you are being as respectful as you can about it - it's a nerve wracking situation to have grown up in. Try out some phrases that click with you and then rehearse them and keep repeating them as needed. Eg "I love you but I'm not taking these things." |
Anonymous
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OP, have you spent any time in therapy? I recommend it, as a close relative of a hoarder who has been though a cleanup.
Also, you might need to get your parents moved and set up and then use professionals to deal with the house. There was a thread in the real estate forum recently that had some good ideas. Sorry you are dealing with this. |
Anonymous
PP, another PP here, it might help to call the county and ask what would happen if you made a formal report, so you can think about it with the details in hand. I didn't end up needing to make that call, but I was glad to have that information in my back pocket. |
Anonymous
| Just take it and throw it out immediately. Don't even bring it in your home. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to change them. |
Anonymous
You'll have to change your clothes and remove your shoes before coming back into your own home. You will be carrying mold, dust and other allergens into your home, otherwise. You may also become ill after breathing in these things as well as insect droppings, which are usually rampant in the hoarded home. |
Anonymous
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My sister and I went through this with our father. The only positive is that we have a lot of shared gallows humor deriving from those years. We were lucky that he wasn't foisting too much of it on us, so the priorities were his safety and our sanity. With regards to the later, a big sanity saver came in deciding to not even consider donation. I'm sure we ended up tossing a few things that might have been of use to someone ... but at least 95% of it was junk, and the sorting would have killed us (or at least cracked us!).
Good luck. Maintain your boundaries, keep everyone safe, and find someone (friend, sibling, spouse ...) to commiserate with. |
Anonymous
| I know how you feel. Stay strong. Keep saying no. |