What do you think of Carolyn Hax's advice re kids?

[Anonymous]

In a recent online chat someone asked about deciding whether or not to have kids. Carolyn's response was "If you were a kid, would you want you as parents? If not, you shouldn't have them". On one hand that's a simple answer that makes a lot of sense - if you wouldn't want you how can you justify doing that to someone else - on the other it seems like a really high bar!

If I was a kid, would I pick me? No I'd probably pick the parents with 1000x more patience, who loved playing make believe on the floor with me, who had time to be at every soccer game and could give calm subtle guidance for anything life threw at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a recent online chat someone asked about deciding whether or not to have kids. Carolyn's response was "If you were a kid, would you want you as parents? If not, you shouldn't have them". On one hand that's a simple answer that makes a lot of sense - if you wouldn't want you how can you justify doing that to someone else - on the other it seems like a really high bar!

If I was a kid, would I pick me? No I'd probably pick the parents with 1000x more patience, who loved playing make believe on the floor with me, who had time to be at every soccer game and could give calm subtle guidance for anything life threw at me.

She's not asking if you would pick yourself out of a group of potential parents as the best parent. She's asking if, as a kid, you would have wanted yourself as your mom/dad. You don't have to be the best--just a good parent.

[Anonymous]

That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a recent online chat someone asked about deciding whether or not to have kids. Carolyn's response was "If you were a kid, would you want you as parents? If not, you shouldn't have them". On one hand that's a simple answer that makes a lot of sense - if you wouldn't want you how can you justify doing that to someone else - on the other it seems like a really high bar!

If I was a kid, would I pick me? No I'd probably pick the parents with 1000x more patience, who loved playing make believe on the floor with me, who had time to be at every soccer game and could give calm subtle guidance for anything life threw at me.

Would you pick your own parents to be parents? I'd still pick mine, despite the fact they could have used more patience, more of a love of for make-believe and the time/money for soccer, etc. I don't think she is saying you have to be the best possible parent out there.

That said, I am a hax fan but not sure of this advice.

[Anonymous]

These two pieces are much better (albeit longer and don't make for a quick quote):

http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

http://www.amazon.com/The-Baby-Decision-Important-Choice/dp/0892561386

[Anonymous]

I would Def not pick my own parents if I had a choice. And We waited until we knew we would make great parents before we decided to TTC. Everyone has flaws but some are worse than others in the context of childrearing.

[Anonymous]

Assuming you consider yourself a good person -- Are you a good person because of how your parents raised you, or are you a good person in spite of how your parents raised you? In my case it is probably 80% the former / 20% the latter, in my wife's case it is probably 20% the former / 80% the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

This is not what she means.

She means in terms of being loving, stable and mature.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting because as a kid I would not have picked my parents - they didn't love each other very much, my mom had a nasty temper and my dad was in the military and paid little attention to us. But I also don't think it was a mistake for them to have a kid - their bad was bad - but their lives were better for having kids. Of course can't say whether my life was better but despite the bad aspects I overall had a good childhood and have a good life now.

But with Carolyn's bar the answer would be a definitely NO for them

[Anonymous]

We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

OP asked what you thought of the advice, not whether you think you're awesome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

OP asked what you thought of the advice, not whether you think you're awesome

She's going to be insufferable as a parent, isn't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

This is not what she means.

She means in terms of being loving, stable and mature.

I also think she means for you to look back as an adult - a knowing what you know now kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

That's a really short-sighted and simplistic way to look at it. She's not saying would you be 100% fun for the kid in every moment, she's asking whether, over the course of their lives, would they be glad they had you as parents. Can you provide love, support, boundaries, compassion and kindness? Can you suffer through stuff that's boring to you because it's important to your kids? Can you sacrifice some of your wants in favor of their needs? Typically when she gives this advice, it's to someone who is on the fence about whether to have kids at all, and who has concerns about whether they can/want to make the necessary sacrifices. She's essentially asking them to be honest about what they can give to a child, and whether they think their hypothetical child would think that was enough some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

That's a really short-sighted and simplistic way to look at it. She's not saying would you be 100% fun for the kid in every moment, she's asking whether, over the course of their lives, would they be glad they had you as parents. Can you provide love, support, boundaries, compassion and kindness? Can you suffer through stuff that's boring to you because it's important to your kids? Can you sacrifice some of your wants in favor of their needs? Typically when she gives this advice, it's to someone who is on the fence about whether to have kids at all, and who has concerns about whether they can/want to make the necessary sacrifices. She's essentially asking them to be honest about what they can give to a child, and whether they think their hypothetical child would think that was enough some day.

Obviously. But she should say that instead of the silliness she did.