What do you think of Carolyn Hax's advice re kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

The thing is that you get the kid you get. You might very well get the quiet, shy, or sporty kid. A good parent will be a good parent with the kid she gets, not the one she wishes she got.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a shorthand way of asking whether you have what it takes to be a parent. It's not about being fun or a "great parent" it's about being responsible enough to shoulder the enormous burdens of parenthood.

There's lots of fun in being a parent, and lots of stress and lots of pain and lost of cost. You have to be able to take the bad with the good and keep going -- do you have what it takes?

No one is a perfect parent. I wish I were more patient, I wish I liked crafting, I wish I were more athletic. I'm none of these things. But yes, I think I'm a good enough parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

That's a really short-sighted and simplistic way to look at it. She's not saying would you be 100% fun for the kid in every moment, she's asking whether, over the course of their lives, would they be glad they had you as parents. Can you provide love, support, boundaries, compassion and kindness? Can you suffer through stuff that's boring to you because it's important to your kids? Can you sacrifice some of your wants in favor of their needs? Typically when she gives this advice, it's to someone who is on the fence about whether to have kids at all, and who has concerns about whether they can/want to make the necessary sacrifices. She's essentially asking them to be honest about what they can give to a child, and whether they think their hypothetical child would think that was enough some day.

Obviously. But she should say that instead of the silliness she did.

I'm sorry she gives her readers the benefit of the doubt that they have more emotional depth than a tree stump.

[Anonymous]

"Now that you are a parent, projecting forward to the time you will be a grandparent, would you want your own parents to be the parents of your grandchildren?"

[Anonymous]

This is exactly the calculus we used in deciding not to have kids. We like our life too much, we're not patient, we argue loudly, we really dislike the kid activities our siblings invite us to. In short, we'd make crappy, selfish parents.

If my mother had done the same math, and abortion was legal in the 1960s, I'm sure I wouldn't be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

OP asked what you thought of the advice, not whether you think you're awesome

She's going to be insufferable as a parent, isn't she?

No need to use future tense. She's already there.

[Anonymous]

She always gives bad advice. I assign no value to her.

[Anonymous]

"If you were a kid, would you want you as parents? If not, you shouldn't have them".

In theory, great advice. Unfortunately, when I apply it my parents, they would undoubtedly have thought, Yes, we should have kids, when in reality they were crappy parents. How many people are self-aware enough to answer correctly?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I love Carolyn but I don't think that advice is particularly helpful or informative.

I had terrible parents in lots of respects, but kids always love their parents - no matter how abusive. So it's a pretty imperfect measure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

OP asked what you thought of the advice, not whether you think you're awesome

She's going to be insufferable as a parent, isn't she?

I sort of love that post. Nothing better than a person who isn't a parent talking about what a fantastic parent they will be. Bwaaahahahah!!!

[Anonymous]

You can turn it around and say...if you were adopting would a birth mother be likely to pick you? Are you a supportive, caring, flexible parent? Do you have time, energy, money? What do you bring to the table? Does it look like you can provide a stable, loving home for the foreseeable future? It's shorthand for saying...do you have what it takes to do a good job? One good enough that your kids will look back and think that you tried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC so no kids yet. But hell yeah I would want myself as a parent. DH and I are awesome, have lots of fun, would love to play games. I always came up with the best ideas in my group of friends and am great with unstructured activities. Even now DH and I have weekends where we just pack the car and drive until we hit something interesting to visit. I was a great nanny when I was younger.

That being said, the quiet, studious, shy kid probably wouldn't want me as a parent. Nor would the sporty kid, but DH is all about sports.

OP asked what you thought of the advice, not whether you think you're awesome

She's going to be insufferable as a parent, isn't she?

I sort of love that post. Nothing better than a person who isn't a parent talking about what a fantastic parent they will be. Bwaaahahahah!!!

And let's all hope she gets the kid she plans to get- as she's already admitted her inability to be a good parent to a child different than her perfect sporty or ms. Popular "fun girl". Jeez. Please- don't have kids

[Anonymous]

Didn't she have a quickie marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

That's a really short-sighted and simplistic way to look at it. She's not saying would you be 100% fun for the kid in every moment, she's asking whether, over the course of their lives, would they be glad they had you as parents. Can you provide love, support, boundaries, compassion and kindness? Can you suffer through stuff that's boring to you because it's important to your kids? Can you sacrifice some of your wants in favor of their needs? Typically when she gives this advice, it's to someone who is on the fence about whether to have kids at all, and who has concerns about whether they can/want to make the necessary sacrifices. She's essentially asking them to be honest about what they can give to a child, and whether they think their hypothetical child would think that was enough some day.

Obviously. But she should say that instead of the silliness she did.

I'm sorry she gives her readers the benefit of the doubt that they have more emotional depth than a tree stump.

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems silly. As a kid, I would have wanted the parents who let me eat candy all day, stay up as late as I wanted and never stop watching TV.

That's a really short-sighted and simplistic way to look at it. She's not saying would you be 100% fun for the kid in every moment, she's asking whether, over the course of their lives, would they be glad they had you as parents. Can you provide love, support, boundaries, compassion and kindness? Can you suffer through stuff that's boring to you because it's important to your kids? Can you sacrifice some of your wants in favor of their needs? Typically when she gives this advice, it's to someone who is on the fence about whether to have kids at all, and who has concerns about whether they can/want to make the necessary sacrifices. She's essentially asking them to be honest about what they can give to a child, and whether they think their hypothetical child would think that was enough some day.

Obviously. But she should say that instead of the silliness she did.

I'm sorry she gives her readers the benefit of the doubt that they have more emotional depth than a tree stump.

I love you.

Birds of a feather!