DD14 is cutting!
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Anonymous
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holy shit. ok sorry this may be a bit confused, still in shock...so this morning i took DS11 to go pick up DD8 from sleepover, then go return some clothes, finish shopping for school, etc. I asked DD14 if she wanted to come, she said no, son and i left. i realized i'd forgotten the pants my younger daughter needed returned, so I went back home, left DS in the car, ran into the house, called DD's name, no answer. knocked on the door of the room my daughters share, no answer, so I went in. my sweet, beautiful, smart, funny girl was sitting on her bed (with noise canceling headphones in) on a dark blue towel that's been missing for months, cutting herself. i saw she had scars on her upper shoulders, belly, breasts, upper thighs...basically all the places covered by her bathing suit (she is very fair and wears a rash guard whenever she swims, and her suit was skirted w/ shorts this year--I didn't think anything of it, was just glad she wasn't opting for something super skimpy we'd have to discuss).
i'm not proud of how i reacted--i started screaming and she noticed me and then she started screaming. i started crying and told her to stop, stop, stop, and took the razor blade from her and looked her over really quick to see if any of the cuts were really deep, which thank god they were not. by then we were late to pick up DD8, so i told DD14 that i was so sorry she was in so much pain and that we were going to figure this out but we had to go get her sister and she had to come with us. she went into the bathroom--i made her leave the door open--and cleaned herself up and put on a shirt. obviously the whole errand running thing was horrible. i made her stay close to me the whole time, and my other kids must have sensed something was up, they were way snappier than usual. after shopping i took all three to lunch and then dropped DS and DD8 off at the playground 2 blocks from our house with some cash for the ice cream truck and their books and told them they could play for awhile. i took DD14 home with me and tried to get her to talk but she was basically clamming up. she was alternately crying and mad. she won't tell me how long it's been going on, what's causing it other than "it helps me feel calmer..." nothing. DH is out of town this week but of course I called him and he's also horrified. but we aren't really sure what to do. obviously we need to find her therapy right away, but how do we know who is good? (we are in Takoma Park area). do i tell her school? how do I help her? for now I am telling her she cannot be in her room with the door closed and when she wanted to take a shower I insisted on sitting in the bathroom--we have a frosted glass shower door so she had some privacy--but obviously that isn't sustainable. Please help. Suggestions, ideas, thoughts, anything! |
Anonymous
| Call her pediatrician to ask for recommendations for a therapist. Get her in to see someone this week. In the meantime, try not to question her too much or appear judgmental in any way. She needs help, and it's great that you now know that. Mental health issues in teenagers is extremely common. She will get through this. |
Anonymous
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You want cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist, so she gets in and done and not dependent on therapy.
Cutting is a reaction to stress and you should not overreact. The child is not trying to commit suicide. The danger is the child will accidentally cause serious injury to herself. This is fairly common and can be resolved with the therapy I describe. |
Anonymous
Thanks. I am not worried about her being dependent on therapy--hell I still see a therapist and have since I was in college; I don't go every week, but I find it helps to have someone impartial to talk to! CBT is a good idea. Thanks. |
Anonymous
I've seen it work on other kids exactly for this. Nothing wrong with longer therapy for other things. |
Anonymous
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First, you really need to calm down and try to get some perspective. One of our daughters also cut herself, and as our (and her) therapist pointed out, yes, it is a scary thing, but on the list of problem behaviors that can afflict young girls it's actually one of the less dangerous. Eating disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, and promiscuity are all far, far worse because the results can be permanent and/or deadly. Your daughter isn't cutting herself to hurt herself or kill herself, and the wounds will heal living no permanent damages beyond scars that will fade in time. She's also not crying out for attention, because if she was she wouldn't be hiding the cutting.
She's cutting because she's anxious and needs stress relief. Your school's guidance counselor will be well versed on the problem, which is extremely common, and will have the names of competent therapists in your area. Good luck, hang in there, stay calm, and be glad you found out when you did. |
Anonymous
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Don't ask her why she does it. She doesn't know, on a rational level. But usually it's because physical pain distracts from mental pain and makes the person forget about the troubles in their head for awhile. Not unlike an alcoholic.
Get her to therapy ASAP. But in person, just say things like, "You don't have to feel this way, and we're going to work together as a family with professionals {maybe therapist, maybe also psychiatrist for meds if warranted} to make sure you don't have to feel so badly that you're hurting yourself. Your health and safety is my highest priority." I think you can also easily explain that you're sorry your reaction was so big at first, but that you were upset that she was hurting so badly. |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks for the calming reactions! I have apologized for freaking out. However part of the reason I did freak out is that I have a cousin who is now 30 and has been cutting herself for like 17 years...she has been in the hospital, she still semi regularly gets deep wounds that have to be stitched or get infected...she has whole years where she is OK but i have seen how destroyed many aspects of her life are. I am scared that will be what happens to my daughter.
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Anonymous
| She needs physical exercise is extreme amounts in addition to therapy. Also I would dial down the stress in your household for the entire family. Get better organized and spend less time rushing or hurrying and instead try to adopt a more tranquil atmosphere. At least broach the subject with the counselor on how to help this one while not dropping the ball on the other two. Just reading your description of this episode made me tense. |
Anonymous
Oh Jesus this is such bs. It's not the family's fault. A teenager's stress is far more often peer driven than family driven. And she certainly doesn't need physical exercise "in the extreme." |
Anonymous
Does she like to write (journal) or draw? If so, encourage her to. Spend a lot of time with her, and be a friend. GL. |
Anonymous
Oh, and you're not a lone - there're lot of kids out there doing it. |
Anonymous
| Her daughter said cutting was the only thing that calmed her down. Obviously, she either has too much energy or too much turmoil. |
Anonymous
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OP here--DD is pretty active. She does rock climbing a few times a week, plays casual rec soccer, goes to circus camp and loves playing around in open gym and on our backyard trampoline. We are also just not a high pressure household. DH and I are both low key and until now all three of our kids have also been that way. We have high expectations, but they aren't "get all As!" so much as they are "do your best in things that matter, and we will help you figure out what those things are."
But clearly we are doing something wrong. Or something is wrong somewhere. |
Anonymous
| I'm the one about exercise. No it does not sound like you are doing anything wrong. I think it's a complicated situation that will not have easy answers. My DD never did anything like that but my DD did 25 hours a week of hard core gymnastics and 40 a week in the summer. If she took a week off she literally would shake from a lack of activity. Eventually when she was older her metabolism changed and she could walk away from it. I'm not suggesting exercise is a must just that it can make a huge impact. Especially if there is high energy or boredom. It doesn't sound like you are failing to meet her needs in any way. Your post just struck me as chaotic but really it's just a snapshot. |