One child not affectionate :(

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters. The older, school aged daughter is very affectionate and always has been. Lots of hugs, kisses, snuggles. Very sensitive. Always strives to please. Very well behaved. Very verbal, we always communicated really well, I'm talking from about a year old.

Well here comes DD #2. 17 months. Hardly a word (doc says nothing wrong with her). She doesn't like hugs or kisses. Anytime I ask for one she laughs and runs away. Anytime I give he one she struggles to get loose. No means, "do it again, and laugh". Her main method of communication is a very grating, irritating SCREAM. However she understands everything that is said to her so again, I don't think there's anything wrong with her.

She has her moments of being loving. But they are few and far between. My older daughter was away for a few days and I felt so lonely! (I am a single parent) because DC #2 just isn't.... affectionate.

I love both very much, it saddens me that DC #2 just doesn't seem to reciprocate most of the time. Anybody else have a fiercely independent child that you just have to learn to love.... differently? Did your independent toddler become a more engaged child later?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I dont have an older affectionate one to compare too but my son that is almost 2 is that way - sometimes if he is in a good mood and I ask for a kiss he gives me his cheek but just in the past month has been a bit more affectionate but not by demand, on his on terms and they are random!
I hope it is just a phase.

[Anonymous]

If your doctor is not worried about your daughter (I think not being affectionate can be one of the effects of having autism so I am sure he/ she is trying to reassure you that this is not the case) then I think that you just need to chalk it up to children being individuals.

Not every human is as affectionate as everyone else, so you may just have to accept it. Please try not to compare the two kids (it is not fair to either one) and just love them as they are. I am sure that your younger child has different good qualities than no. 1 so try and focus on those.

Also, I say this kindly, please don't look at your children to keep you from being lonely. That is a very large burden to place on a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your doctor is not worried about your daughter (I think not being affectionate can be one of the effects of having autism so I am sure he/ she is trying to reassure you that this is not the case) then I think that you just need to chalk it up to children being individuals.

Not every human is as affectionate as everyone else, so you may just have to accept it. Please try not to compare the two kids (it is not fair to either one) and just love them as they are. I am sure that your younger child has different good qualities than no. 1 so try and focus on those.

Also, I say this kindly, please don't look at your children to keep you from being lonely. That is a very large burden to place on a child.[/quote]

Couldn't agree more. As someone raised by a single parent, can not tell you how damaging it was to be in this position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I say this kindly, please don't look at your children to keep you from being lonely. That is a very large burden to place on a child.

Right, I get this. It's a little early for me to be dating yet. And my kids are still very little and time consuming. I have no other family here. I try not to overdo it. But I am only human and a hug is a hug, ya know?

[Anonymous]

I too wanted an affectionate child. Mine was the same as yours at 17 months or so. He's much more affectionate now at 26 months. But I just give him space and let him come to me. A lot of it is they are just too busy discovering all that's new in the world.

The book, "Emotional Life of a Toddler" does a great job explaining different temperments in this regard. I found it very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I say this kindly, please don't look at your children to keep you from being lonely. That is a very large burden to place on a child.

Right, I get this. It's a little early for me to be dating yet. And my kids are still very little and time consuming. I have no other family here. I try not to overdo it. But I am only human and a hug is a hug, ya know?

I know - I really did mean this not to be critical, but just for you to be cognizant, and you are, so I am sure you won't lean on them too much. A hug is a hug, and you love both your kids so you want to hug them, but respect that they may not want to hug all the time and don't take it personally.

Good luck.

PS - being lonely is not just about being with a spouse, so even if you can't get a sitter and go out, you could invite a girlfriend to the house and have dinner and watch a DVD or something. Try to have some adult interaction beside work and you will feel better.

[Anonymous]

My daughter, age 2is not affectionate. Squirms away from hugs, etc. That's just her personality. I'm not a very affectionate person either...so she probably got my genes! If you are worried about her health, keep an eye on her and do a little research to see if her behavior falls within the range of normal (which is a HUGE range). Otherwise, enjoy her independence and your other daughter's affection. They both love you...they just show it differently!

[Anonymous]

children are different.
get over it.

if you decided to have them, now face the consequences.
sad but true.

[Anonymous]

i know how you feel OP. my 4yo dd is like this. she has gotten a little more affectionate with age, though. but it can be hard to deal with, esp when you make an effort to shower them with affection. you start to question yourself--is my child reacting to something i am doing/saying? that sort of thing.

even though you are the adult and she is the child, it is still hard to give out some much love and not get much back. i've had to go through a little emotional journey to learn to radically accept my dd's temperament (she is fairly oppositional in addition). so you deserve some support and advice, not criticism.

[Anonymous]

"children are different.
get over it.

if you decided to have them, now face the consequences.
sad but true. "


wow, what a mean person

[Anonymous]

Funny-my DD wasn't very affectionate or cuddly UNTIL she began potty training 4 weeks ago (she's 2.5). Now she's very snuggly and cuddly. Interesting, huh?

[Anonymous]

My almost 22 month old DS has become much more affectionate over the past few months than he was before -- gives kisses and hugs, and asks for both, whereas he tolerated kisses before but that was about it. So it's possible she will become more affectionate as she gets a little older.

[Anonymous]

My DS is about to turn 4 and has spontaneously said "I love you" or hugged me of his own accord only a handful of times. I know he loves me so I just hang onto those moments. He shows me he loves me in other ways like constantly wanting to be with me (which is tiring sometimes!). He also has some sensory issues which are tactile in nature so he likes to control touch instead of people touching him. Now I ask him what type of kisses he wants before bed. If I tried to kiss him, he would turn away. Now that he has some choice in the matter, it is a lot easier. Just remember the ways you child shows affection in other ways.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old son has always been very sweet and affectionate and attached to me and DH. DD, now 5, was not that way at all until she was about 2 or 3 and interestingly she potty trained at 2.5! Weird coincidence, PP. I never thought about it before.

As an infant DD wanted to sleep alone in her bassinette, not with us in bed even after nursing. She was not a cuddler as a baby. Always wanted to be held upright, not cuddled horizontally in your arms. At 3, 4, and now 5 she is super duper affectionate and a major cuddler and we can't get her out of our bed!!! She hates to be alone and is a big hugger and kisser, too. Huge turnaround and I have no idea why.