Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have to be the only person to have ever been in this situation. My 30-something sister, in the past year or so, has been having a sort of crisis about her childhood and has been expressing a lot of anger at our parents, esp. our mom. For a little while, she was talking with me about it. Then at some point she got pissed at me, too. This was my previous thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/437375.page

I took the advice from that thread (and from my therapist) and back in the spring asked my sis not to include me on her angry messages to our parents. Basically since that request (to which she never directly responded) she's been ignoring me, won't answer my phone calls or e-mails, ignored my requests to visit her (I was in her area a couple times), etc. When I told her I would be in her area and would drop by if she did not object, she wrote me a one-sentence e-mail saying she didn't like me and didn't want a relationship with me.

Trying to be the bigger person, I have sent her e-mails basically saying, hey, I respect you want some space, and hey, if you want to work things out with me in therapy or something I'm open to that and you're always welcome at my place, etc. But I'm super hurt by her cutting me off, particularly because I just had a baby a month ago and she didn't acknowledge my pregnancy or acknowledge the birth AT ALL. I e-mailed her to tell her about both (they were short, matter-of-fact e-mails, not like requests for to throw me or attend a shower or anything like that). She did not respond.

The only person she's speaking to is my dad. Apparently I've now been lumped in with my mother on the shit list, although I really don't know why. My dad doesn't know either.

Has ANYONE been in a situation like this??? For a long while, I was just concerned about her wellbeing and figured if she didn't want to talk to me while she worked out whatever emotional issues she has, so be it. But having the birth of a child flat out ignored by an immediate family member is really hurtful. I wonder if we'll ever be on speaking terms again or if, even if she wants to talk to me in the future, I'd really feel open to her given she the way she's treating me right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to be the only person to have ever been in this situation. My 30-something sister, in the past year or so, has been having a sort of crisis about her childhood and has been expressing a lot of anger at our parents, esp. our mom. For a little while, she was talking with me about it. Then at some point she got pissed at me, too. This was my previous thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/437375.page

I took the advice from that thread (and from my therapist) and back in the spring asked my sis not to include me on her angry messages to our parents. Basically since that request (to which she never directly responded) she's been ignoring me, won't answer my phone calls or e-mails, ignored my requests to visit her (I was in her area a couple times), etc. When I told her I would be in her area and would drop by if she did not object, she wrote me a one-sentence e-mail saying she didn't like me and didn't want a relationship with me.

Trying to be the bigger person, I have sent her e-mails basically saying, hey, I respect you want some space, and hey, if you want to work things out with me in therapy or something I'm open to that and you're always welcome at my place, etc. But I'm super hurt by her cutting me off, particularly because I just had a baby a month ago and she didn't acknowledge my pregnancy or acknowledge the birth AT ALL. I e-mailed her to tell her about both (they were short, matter-of-fact e-mails, not like requests for to throw me or attend a shower or anything like that). She did not respond.

The only person she's speaking to is my dad. Apparently I've now been lumped in with my mother on the shit list, although I really don't know why. My dad doesn't know either.

Has ANYONE been in a situation like this??? For a long while, I was just concerned about her wellbeing and figured if she didn't want to talk to me while she worked out whatever emotional issues she has, so be it. But having the birth of a child flat out ignored by an immediate family member is really hurtful. I wonder if we'll ever be on speaking terms again or if, even if she wants to talk to me in the future, I'd really feel open to her given she the way she's treating me right now.

First off OP, I truly, truly feel for you, I do. Secondly, I think you need to leave your sister alone for awhile.
It sounds like she is having some sort of breakdown. It sucks that she is lumping you in with whatever issue she has with your parents, but it is what it is. Try to just give her some space to deal with whatever is dragging her down. This is totally not about you. If your sister's issues are legitimate, I have no idea, it sounds as if she is going thru some sort of crisis as they break thru and she is trying to deal with them. If her issues are a figment of her imagination and overblown ego -- same difference, still not about you and you really don't want to be up close to that sort of dysfunction anyway, especially with a new baby. Take this time to pray for your sister and enjoy your baby, don't waste a lot of emotional energy being mad about something that you cannot do anything about. Sometimes we have to love from a distance.
Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, this sucks. I have a friend who is going through something similar. You just need to stop reaching out to her at all for now.
I'm surprised to hear your dad is able to be so neutral in all of this

[Anonymous]

That sounds horrible, OP. I'm sorry this is happening in your family. I knew a family like this. I think the sister's anger towards her family of origin was being fed by her husband. I think he was purposefully trying to cut her off from her family. Then she started getting jealous of the other sister because she believed the parents favored her. Very sad situation all around. The family was really broken hearted by her behavior. She just cut them all out of her life.

Has anything changed in your sisters life? New boyfriend? New friends? New activity? Drugs? History of abuse that you don't know about? Mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP my sister basically did the same thing except first she stopped talking to my brother and then my Mom and me when we didn't take her side. She had a child whom none of us has ever met and he is now 4 1/2. It is sad for everyone but to be honest, we did nothing wrong. What we have learned is you can't force someone to interact or want to be with you. My brother and I are closer now because of it and try to take care of our Mom since Sis has had nothing to do with her. No real advice except know you are not alone in this type of situation. Enjoy your life and your new baby. I would stop trying to reach out to her though. She knows where you can be reached. Let her do the work in repairing the relationship. Have no idea how we would react if my Sis tried to get back in our lives. My Mom insists it is too late for her to be part of the family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds horrible, OP. I'm sorry this is happening in your family. I knew a family like this. I think the sister's anger towards her family of origin was being fed by her husband. I think he was purposefully trying to cut her off from her family. Then she started getting jealous of the other sister because she believed the parents favored her. Very sad situation all around. The family was really broken hearted by her behavior. She just cut them all out of her life.

Has anything changed in your sisters life? New boyfriend? New friends? New activity? Drugs? History of abuse that you don't know about? Mental illness?

OP here. Thanks for the empathy, PPs. I don't know what triggered this episode in my sister's life. I think she was seeing a new therapist or something or maybe her meds changed (she has OCD and social anxiety). She's not married and has no kids (she doesn't want them).

I guess there's just nothing to be done. My mother doesn't speak to her siblings (dysfunctional alcoholic family dynamics) and I always took comfort that my sister and I would never be like that. Yet here we are. I'm really struggling to be happy during what should be a super special time in my life with my newborn. I just really feel rebuked by my only sibling. I feel everyone's going to assume I'm some awful person whenever it comes up that she hasn't visited or met my child because why else would someone ignore their neice/nephew? This just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds horrible, OP. I'm sorry this is happening in your family. I knew a family like this. I think the sister's anger towards her family of origin was being fed by her husband. I think he was purposefully trying to cut her off from her family. Then she started getting jealous of the other sister because she believed the parents favored her. Very sad situation all around. The family was really broken hearted by her behavior. She just cut them all out of her life.

Has anything changed in your sisters life? New boyfriend? New friends? New activity? Drugs? History of abuse that you don't know about? Mental illness?

OP here. Thanks for the empathy, PPs. I don't know what triggered this episode in my sister's life. I think she was seeing a new therapist or something or maybe her meds changed (she has OCD and social anxiety). She's not married and has no kids (she doesn't want them).

I guess there's just nothing to be done. My mother doesn't speak to her siblings (dysfunctional alcoholic family dynamics) and I always took comfort that my sister and I would never be like that. Yet here we are. I'm really struggling to be happy during what should be a super special time in my life with my newborn. I just really feel rebuked by my only sibling. I feel everyone's going to assume I'm some awful person whenever it comes up that she hasn't visited or met my child because why else would someone ignore their neice/nephew? This just sucks.

Oh please try not to worry about that OP! I wouldn't assume that at all, if I even noticed. At most I might think 'oh, I guess they aren't close'. I wouldn't even wonder why, you never know another family's dynamics. Please don't assume people will rush to judgment about you.

[Anonymous]

Just give her the space she needs to work through her stuff.
She might come around.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear but how did you fail your sister then and now? I'm asking because at times I consider whether to cut off my sister who is still speaking to our shitty mother even though my mother is ignoring me and her only grandchild. It feels like my sister has chosen sides and I wasn't it. I'm sure your sister feels some of that pain. If you had said mom I'm not talking to your either until you and your fake preaching self apologize then your sister would be talking to you now IMO.

[Anonymous]

Stop chasing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds horrible, OP. I'm sorry this is happening in your family. I knew a family like this. I think the sister's anger towards her family of origin was being fed by her husband. I think he was purposefully trying to cut her off from her family. Then she started getting jealous of the other sister because she believed the parents favored her. Very sad situation all around. The family was really broken hearted by her behavior. She just cut them all out of her life.

Has anything changed in your sisters life? New boyfriend? New friends? New activity? Drugs? History of abuse that you don't know about? Mental illness?

OP here. Thanks for the empathy, PPs. I don't know what triggered this episode in my sister's life. I think she was seeing a new therapist or something or maybe her meds changed (she has OCD and social anxiety). She's not married and has no kids (she doesn't want them).

I guess there's just nothing to be done. My mother doesn't speak to her siblings (dysfunctional alcoholic family dynamics) and I always took comfort that my sister and I would never be like that. Yet here we are. I'm really struggling to be happy during what should be a super special time in my life with my newborn. I just really feel rebuked by my only sibling. I feel everyone's going to assume I'm some awful person whenever it comes up that she hasn't visited or met my child because why else would someone ignore their neice/nephew? This just sucks.

And it is possible she experienced abuse growing up in your family that you did not experience. I'm sorry she cut you off.
People who would look down on you for this are not good people.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it sounds like she thinks you took your mom's side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear but how did you fail your sister then and now? I'm asking because at times I consider whether to cut off my sister who is still speaking to our shitty mother even though my mother is ignoring me and her only grandchild. It feels like my sister has chosen sides and I wasn't it. I'm sure your sister feels some of that pain. If you had said mom I'm not talking to your either until you and your fake preaching self apologize then your sister would be talking to you now IMO.

OP here. I've already agreed with my sister that my mom is a narcissist and was a crappy mom. The difference between me and my sister is that my sister seems to think my mom is pure evil and I see her as a really flawed human with a painful childhood of her own. I do NOT have a close relationship with my mom at all but I don't see a need to stop talking to her. And I've already yelled at my mom multiple times about apologizing to my sister. My mom will either do that genuinely or not. My threatening to stop talking to her is not going to make her apologize.

If my mother was actively doing something like your situation PP -- ignoring you and your child -- I might consider taking a more categorical stance. But my sister is pissed about the past and my mom has said she's sorry, just not in a truly self-aware way that shows she really gets what she did wrong. I don't think my piling on my mom would be constructive.

Also, as an aside, if the issue really is that she's pissed I still talk to my mom (though rarely) then why does my sis speak to my father??? He's still married to my crazy mom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing her.

Exactly. She's set her boundaries and you are violating them. Stop contacting her- she doesn't want it. Maybe someday she will and she'll contact you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing her.

Exactly. She's set her boundaries and you are violating them. Stop contacting her- she doesn't want it. Maybe someday she will and she'll contact you.

+1

The "I'm going to come if you don't object" crossed a line, IMO, because she had made it clear she wanted space and you completely disallowed her that space by forcing her to either face you or at least write back just to say no after she had already said no to all your prior requests. That's not respectful of what she's asked for. Just leave it be for awhile.