Etiquette Question for Adult Bday Dinner

[Anonymous]

We were just invited by our neighbor to attend her birthday dinner this Friday night. Her husband rented a private room at a restaurant and there will be six or seven couples attending. In other words, she and her husband are both organizing the get-together themselves.
Is it proper that we would bring a gift? Just a card? Bringing just a card to a restaurant seems weird to me but a gift seems a bit much as well. I have no idea what I'd get her...especially by Friday. Also, out of curiousity, what would you expect the payment situation to be at the restaurant? I know when I go out with girlfriends for bdays we always split and treat the bday girl, but would it be the same here or would everyone split the check as normal? I guess this is the first group/couples bday outing we've been to in a while...
Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Are you close to this neighbor? If not particularly close, I'd bring a small gift like some pretty note cards or something. I wouldn't show up empty handed, but don't think you need anything too big.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above, or perhaps a gift certificate, scarf, perfume gift set? As for the payment situation, I think it's fine to inquire of the husband-host.

[Anonymous]

If you know that she drinks you could get a nice bottle of wine or liquor for her and put it in a nice gift bag. As far as the tab, I guess you'll know at the end of the meal if he picks up the bill when it comes.

[Anonymous]

You should inquire about the payment situation in advance. If they are "hosting", as in, picking up the tab, then you need to bring a gift. If this is a casual "everyone pick up their own tab" sort of get-together, then your present is your presence.

[Anonymous]

If they rented a private room, I would be shocked if they are not picking up the check. I assume this is a milestone brithday?

In my experience, if somebody organizes a self-pay party, they generally tell you how much per person it will be in an e-mail before you rsvp. Where I have seen that done it was not for a birthday, but rather for a celebration affecting a large group (training group celebrating completing a marathon).

[Anonymous]

If you are invited to someone's birthday, I think it's always nice to bring a gift. Who doesn't like receiving a lovely bunch of flowers?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. Very helpful as I was feeling clueless! I would call us friendly but not close, so I like something along the lines of the bottle of wine idea (though it kind of seems funny that I can't walk it next door instead of bringing it to the restaurant downtown...but that's how it goes). Honestly, I don't know that I'd feel comfortable asking her DH about the situation in advance. She invited us, not him and he's not the most approachable guy. I don't know how the other couples were invited (if also by her or if he sent out an invite to the others...he knows most of the others who will be there better than he knows us). My best guess is that it will be a thing where everyone just splits the check - but I don't know for sure. I don't have enough experience with them socially (aside from getting our kids together in the neighborhood) to know their personality with this type of thing. I guess we'll just be ready for whatever...

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I forgot to add...no, it's not a milestone bday. I know we are about the same age, so I think she's turning 38...maybe 39.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your situation, I would probably just not go (too much uncertainty, not close friends, etc.). But I'm generally not comfortable in that sort of situation. If I were to go, I'd at least take a bottle of wine as a gift, and would expect to pay my own way, but be pleased if at the end of the meal the host picked up the tab.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't ask about the check. Just bring enough cash to cover what you feel would be your part of the tab. But, like a PP said, if they are renting a private room then I would lean to teh side of them picking it up. However, 14 people at a nice restaurant in a private room downtown can be very pricey...so I'd be prepared just in case!

A small gift in a gift bag would be appropriate, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Bring a gift for sure -- wine, flowers, scented candle...
I'd be surprised if you have to pay, but who knows...if you do, so what, you get a nice meal and hopefully some good company for the price. Enjoy yourself!

[Anonymous]

Be prepared to pay, just in case. We had friends who did this just recently for a milestone birthday - private room, special menu, the whole shebang. I brought a nice gift because it seemed to be such an exorbitant affair ... only to get the check to be split among the "guests" at the end. I was really surprised and frankly upset - it was a huge bill by our standards, the most expensive meal I've had in years. Plus I wouldn't have ordered most of the food they picked due to allergies. I've been to parties thrown at restaurants and the invitation and preparations by the "hosts" made me think that's what this was. But the couple in question obviously perceived it differently.

[Anonymous]

I'd be prepared to split the check---unless you're moving in a very well-heeled social circle where a family would not think twice about dropping $1700 to $2000 on a group dinner for friends (I'm guess-timating---expensive dinner at $150/head x 10 guests plus tip).

Our group of friends regularly does a "birthday dinner out" but it's understood that checks are split---with often the host providing champagne/cake. We do small gifts---a bottle of wine, a book---.

[Anonymous]

I posted at 10:26, and now I am about to reverse myself. If it is not a milestone birthday, and you were just invited orally for something this week, it may be self-pay. It is not unusual among my group of friends for people to spend a few thousand dollars out or at a large catered party at home, but only for a milestone birthday like 40. When they are done, there is always a proper invitation that is mailed out some time in advance because you have to give the caterer/restaurant a headcount by a certain deadline. I guess they could have had someone drop out and decided to ask you at the last minute because they already turned their count in, but it strikes me as odd.