Only want responses from people who have actually had a family member living with them in adulthood

[Anonymous]

When the time has come for them to move on, how did you tell them? We had no rules or timeline set up in order to make moving in with us as smooth as possible but DH and I have reached our limit. I hate confrontation and would like some advice on how you actually told them it was time to move on down the path of life.

Thanks in advance. As my heading said, if you have never been in this situation, please keep scrolling. Not interested in unfounded dcum judgment today.

[Anonymous]

It is going to depend a lot on the circumstances. Is it an elder, an unemployed person, someone ill or disabled, someone with children, etc. Give a little more detail and we can try to help.

I would suggest you look into a lawyer. Landlord-tenant law may apply.

[Anonymous]

Heh, I told her "get in the car, we are moving you to assisted living now." And that was that.

[Anonymous]

My brother lived with us after he graduated from graduate school and was job searching. After two months, we told him it was time to move back to the west coast where he did have an opportunity (just not a great paying one). It sucked for me but it had to be done for my dh. I felt very bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When the time has come for them to move on, how did you tell them? We had no rules or timeline set up in order to make moving in with us as smooth as possible but DH and I have reached our limit. I hate confrontation and would like some advice on how you actually told them it was time to move on down the path of life.

Thanks in advance. As my heading said, if you have never been in this situation, please keep scrolling. Not interested in unfounded dcum judgment today.

It never happened. In the end, they moved into another house (wheelchair accessible) then promptly died a few months later.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thank you guys for your responses so far. For more details, it is a 60 year old family member who has no desire to work. We have tried everything including sending his resume out for him. He won't show up to interviews and lies constantly. He has been perfectly content with sleeping on our couch all day and night for the past year. He fakes injuries, says he has appointments he has to keep, his car won't run, blah blah blah. He hasn't contributed a dime to finances, food, bills, etc. We pay for his gas, cell phone, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sorry hit send too soon. I don't want to throw him out onto the street but it has been almost a year..its affecting our marriage, our stress levels are crazy, we live in an apartment so there's no alone time or dates.

[Anonymous]

Have a real talk with him, give him a deadline to get a job, and then get rid of your couch.

[Anonymous]

Start charging market (or a little under) rent. It's what I would do for a 22 year old as well as a 60 year old. If you want you can save the money and then give it back when they move on, but that's up to you. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

I had 2 no-count brothers living with me. I told them I signed a lease for a new, smaller apartment and that they had 30 days to move. They were totally shocked when the moving truck showed up. They found lodgings elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you screwed up in not having an end date. My grandfather lived with us for 6-8 months after our grandma died. We had an end date.
My dad lived with me for a few weeks during a job search, and we knew when he was leaving. I lived with my brother for three weeks in the middle of a move, and we knew before I moved in when I was moving out.

Since you can't go backwards in time and create an end date before they move in, you need to create one now. "Rob, it's been great having you here. We've loved having had the opportunity to help you out/having you help with the new baby and the addition on the house/whatever, but it's time to move on. We think it's reasonable that you aim to be all moved out by September 15th. DH and I need our home back. I'm sure you understand."

Pick a date around a month away.

[Anonymous]

We started collecting rent after a year. It was totally fine, but not a family member- just a friend. He was great and grateful for a year of no rent and then a few extra months of really low rent.
Sounds like you will have to be firmer than that. I suspect you won't see rent even if you tell him you will be charging. Tough stuff OP.

[Anonymous]

This happened to us with my sister. When she moved in it was just supposed to be for no more than six months while she saved a little money so she could get her own apartment. It stretched into 18 months, and over that time she became a worse and worse housemate. We eventually sat her down and told her we didn't think the situation was working for her, and we'd give her two months to find another place to live but then she had to leave. She got really angry, and it became clear she'd been anticipating the conversation because she'd already researched her rights as a tenant (even though she'd never paid rent). We ended up having to pursue eviction through the court.

[Anonymous]

My sister came for Thanksgiving one year and didn't leave for 8 months. Totally unexpected and yeah, my DH and I can see plenty of opportunities to have been more assertive but it was not at all obvious at the time. Probably ~2-3 months into it, we did have a very frank discussion about the state of things, and the options to keep a roof over her head. There weren't many. We all made an agreement to keep muddling through but with one unambiguous rule -- no pot. Not in the house, and not elsewhere while she was living with us. I still don't know if she was good at hiding it for 5 months or could deal with the restriction for that long, but she came home high and with pot and that was it. We already had the plan (which she was well aware of) and we put her in a cheap and minimal studio apartment in a town with her best connections (family, friends, jobs ... and thankfully cheap). We didn't really speak beyond necessities for a few years but interact a bit more now.

Sounds like a totally different set of specifics, but I mostly wanted to chime in that it's only because I experienced it that I get how this happens. Or at least know that it just does happen, whether it makes much sense or not. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

They haven't moved out and they never will. At least they are now paying a market rent until one of them quits their job again. If I were you, OP, I would stop paying for gas and cell phone and any other personal expenses.