Are you the Lazy Spouse?

[Anonymous]

I am (and I'm the mom).

My poor husband. He does most of the domestic duties. I try, but I just hate bothering with anything other than a quick clean up. We have a maid service and I'm just inclined to let things go until they come. Of course, I'm not pregnant w/#2 and have NO DESIRE to clean the house or even really pick up after myself. We both work, him longer hours than me, but he just seems to have so much energy. I'm a low energy person, easily exhausted, happy to just sit around and chill.

I know since I'm in my first trimester I'm particularly spent, so I'm hoping to shake this huge bout of the "fuck-its" in the next few weeks, but any other lazy mom's out there? Everyone else seems to live in domestic bliss and organization.

i always see mom's compaling about husbands, but I'm sure my husband would have a few choice complaints about me.

[zumbamama]

yes! I am lazy when I come home. I do pitch in, but DH does the majority (he is SAHD right now). After 40 hours at the office and 5 cardio classes, my laziness is my only chance to recharge. I make sure he knows how thankful I am that I hardly ever do laundry!

[Anonymous]

I'm "not" the lazy spouse, but I say give yourself a pass while pregnant for sure. And I also believe that the person who likes it cleaner will just end up being the person doing more cleaning. It's not fair, but it is what it is. It's great you have a cleaning service. Hopefully your husband isn't too put out by your lack of participation in this area, especially now.

[Anonymous]

Count me in - no domestic bliss and organization over here, and I don't have a pregnancy to blame it on and only work PT. I just think housework is unbelievably boring and awful, and I try to avoid it as much as possible.

So we have a cleaning service, I try to deal with the 'dirty' stuff (i.e. the kitchen) because that bothers me, and sometimes I'll try to get it tidy to be nice to DH, but otherwise I have a high tolerance for disorder so I just let it go. It's just not that important to me.

[zumbamama]

But even though I am lazy about the housework, I am the one to get the kids ready for school/bed. I'm the one who bathes them, and I do all the grocery shopping. DH hates to shop.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say either of us is lazy, though I'm more generally inclined to sloth than my husband is. But we definitely have different priorities. I'll get off my tail and clean up before the mess starts to bother him, but he has infinite energy for work. So we do bicker over domestic stuff, because I don't want to do it for reasons of low energy and he doesn't want to do it for reasons of other priorities.

We can't afford a cleaning service, so my choices are: Do it myself. Live with a messy house til he takes notice and does something about it. Or nag him to do stuff.

I nag when it comes to "his" tasks: garbage and recycling, everything to do with the cars. Because he would stare at his damned blackberry until the garbage is overflowing and the cars are impounded for expired registration. For all the basics (kitchen and bathrooms, vacuuming, etc) I try to have both of us working on it at the same time. And of course, I do "my" tasks (laundry and bed linens and groceries) without ever being asked. That's the part that bugs me. As lax as I am about housekeeping, he always has clean underwear.

[Anonymous]

12:45 - that doesn't sound lazy - that just sounds like division of labor based on individual preferences.

[zumbamama]

Anonymous wrote:12:45 - that doesn't sound lazy - that just sounds like division of labor based on individual preferences.

Yes, but my side of the room is always messier than his!

[Anonymous]

zumbamama wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:45 - that doesn't sound lazy - that just sounds like division of labor based on individual preferences.

Yes, but my side of the room is always messier than his!

I'm back again

And my response is, so what? After all, if he wants the whole place clean, he could tidy up after you after all - it's not like when you're grocery shopping or taking care of the kids that you're doing something just for *you*.

[Anonymous]

My husband thinks he does more than I do. Myself, I'm not sure. I don't think he counts all the time I put in on the bills, because you can't see bills piling up the way you can see dirt. Also, walking the dog is a rather pleasant chore for me so I don't think he counts that as real work. (But if I left it up to him the dog would not get walked nearly enough as needed. It's not my fault that I also like doing it!)

When it gets down to it, we both have certain things that bug one more than the other and so the other person's lack of concern about it may be taken as sloth. And neither of us is particularly neat -- but unfortunately for him he is not as messy as I am so the mess begins to bother him before it bothers me.

I also think he has a rule in his head that when he feels like doing housework other people should be doing it too. And when he wants to relax reading a book, watching tv, or getting on the computer then it's okay. But woe to anyone who feels like relaxing when he is ready to clean!

It's like the tree in the forest. If dw does housework when dh isn't watching, is it really housework? Sometimes I make a point of telling him what I did just so I get credit for it!

[Anonymous]

Yes!! My DH and I have the whole gender role reversal thing going on and I very much relate to what the OP says about being low energy and just wanting to chill. When we were first married, division of domestic labor was the only thing that we ever argued about. I have to say, though, in the 4 years we've been married, we have sort of converged to a greater extent than I thought we would. I am more attuned to clutter and more inclined to clean up, and he will let the bathrooms go without cleaning much longer than he used to. I'm even starting to notice things now that annoy me, like that he will pile dishes in the sink instead of putting them directly into the dishwasher. That's a HUGE amount of progress. The plus side of him being so diligent and me being lazier is that we end up splitting child care and domestic labor pretty equally, or if there is inequality, maybe he does 60% and I do 40%. But, definitely give yourself a pass in the first trimester. I laid around like third base when I was in the first trimester and made DH change all the poopy diapers of #1 because they made me gag and retch (involuntarily, bc of morning sickness, normally they don't bother me at all). Now that I'm almost to the end of the second trimester, I can see a huge difference in how I behave now and how I behaved then based completely on how I was/am feeling physically. First trimester does not count as laziness!

[Anonymous]

Yeah (hangs head in shame) I think so. My husband always feeds our toddler daughter dinner when we get home from work, while I scan the net, shower, or do whatever. I also get to sleep late on the weekends and he does all the cooking and grocery shopping. Okay, I'm prepared for the onslaught.

I do, however, do all the laundry, the dishwasher, the kitchen cleanup, the housecleaning, all the driving to all appts. (long story), and the yard work. Does that help?

[Anonymous]

Sort of. My DH can't stand clutter so he cleans/tidies up every morning and every night. My mom always jokes when she comes over that you'd never know we have a baby in the house - that is how psycho he is! And is great at putting away laundry and I'm not. He is also great about all the yard work and never neglects his garbage duties (which, with diapers and a litter box, is a big duty).

He also does the cooking and is great with kitchen clean up - again because he likes things clean.

I typically do the floors, and deep clean the kitchen and bathroom once a week.

We take turns with grocery shopping because we both don't really like it, but he does the vast majority of the trips to Target, CVS, etc.

[Anonymous]

yes, and i am a single mom so things are pretty hairy around here most of the time!

[Anonymous]

Whoever has the most OCD wins the most chores!