Hapa family and isolation

[Anonymous]

Hi I'm a mom of a hapa child (half white and half indian). I find that if I walk on the street alone, Indians are friendly. I am Indian. When I walk on the street with my child, Indians will purposefully look the other way. I am not trying to piss Indians off, but I'm calling a spade a spade. They don't even want to acknowledge my son. Why? This really sucks! It's so isolating for me. I loved being Indian but now, feel so isolated. I worry about my son and the world he lives in.

Indians out there - please help me. What do you think is going on? Am I misinterpreting things?

[Anonymous]

Can't help with the question, but have one myself. Indian like South Asian, or Indian like Native American? I'm neither, but have a huge group of Desi friends. Must admit I've never heard the term Hapa before.

[Anonymous]

Hi, South Asian. Hapa is borrowed from the Hawaiian language, hapa is defined as: portion, fragment, part, fraction, installment; to be partial. It is a loan from the English word half. However, in Hawaiian Pidgin (the creole spoken by many Hawai'i residents), hapa has an extended meaning "of mixed descent". Most mixed kids don't like the term, "mixed". So many use Hapa.

[Anonymous]

I think another common term is Eurasian. OP, don't take it personally. I just read a book called blink. Just trust your gut reaction... Try to find people in your community who are not prejudice and stick with them. The world is very complicated.

[zumbamama]

Are the people that look away, older and more traditional Indians? I think in any ethnic group, the older generation may have a harder time dealing with interracial relationships/families of the younger generations. I have a friend who is Indian and his parents are so against him dating his girlfriend (who is half white/half Vietnamese). They want him to marry an Indian girl. This has happened in my family too, (Filipino/white), the older generation took decades to change their mentality about interracial mixing.

I have heard the term Hapa. I personally don't get too offended with the terminology. Mestiza. Mutt. Half Breed. Caramel Vanilla Swirl. Amerasian. Twinkie. I've heard them all. Personally I like halfie. That's what my mixed friends and I call each other jokingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, South Asian. Hapa is borrowed from the Hawaiian language, hapa is defined as: portion, fragment, part, fraction, installment; to be partial. It is a loan from the English word half. However, in Hawaiian Pidgin (the creole spoken by many Hawai'i residents), hapa has an extended meaning "of mixed descent". Most mixed kids don't like the term, "mixed". So many use Hapa.

Thanks for the explanation. Interesting topic, though. I'm married to an Arab, and our DC looks 100% white or European or whatever you want to call me. My husband, when out alone with DC, often gets asked if it's his child. But he never meets any hostility or shunning as far as I know, from the Arab community.

[Anonymous]

OP here: pp, who is of mixed origin, do you get racism from either side? Do you feel like you BELONG somewhere? I'm only asking because, I'm afraid that my son will feel alone. He will not be perceived as White or as Asian. As a parent, you want to shield your children. But that's just not possible. At least when I grew up, (was called red dot at school), I could find other Indians to support me.... but that kind of support doesn't exist for my child, I don't think.

[Anonymous]

OP, please don't despair. I am half Japanese, half white (Irish/English), and I love it. These days there are so MANY mixed kids that it isn't really that big of a deal, particularly in this area. Your child will take his cues about how he should feel about himself from you. My parents always portrayed it as a positive thing and so, even though I did get teased as a child (back in the day when I was much more unique) I really always felt good about who I am. I felt different, but in a good way, as in I stood out in a crowd. While it is true I didn't belong to any group per se, I always felt I could move fluidly among groups and be at home in my own skin in any environment.

I married someone with an altogether different mix so my own kids are REALLY mixed and it is just who they are. Your son is not Indian, he is not white, he is what he is--a mixture of both. And that is its own unique and wonderful thing, to be celebrated and not a cause of concern or shame. If others can't see it, that is really sad, but there are many other families like yours and you should look to them for your support. But those people who don't accept it better get used to it, because that is where we are going as a society.

[zumbamama]

I felt minor isolation growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood. The kids weren't mean to me, but I did feel a little different from them. I remember wishing I had blonde hair/blue eyes. And I did gravitate toward the minority crowd. But I grew to love my uniquity and don't suffer from any identity issues as an adult.

My DC looks very mixed, and he knows it...but he is proud of his tan and has developed strong friendships with the kids at school, who are almost all caucasian. And although there are not many minorities in his class, it doesn't appear he feels isolated.

[zumbamama]

ooh I like what 11:15 said!

[Anonymous]

I think hapa children are beautiful! Be proud!

[Anonymous]

Mom of bi-ethnic kids here. East Asian. When my kids were babies, Caucasians thought I was my children's nanny. Now I get a fair amount of rude remarks from other East-Asians (exclusively those born outside the US) that my kids are doomed because they don't speak [the language associated with my ethnicity]. By these folks assessment, America is a terribly racist place, my kids are clearly mixed, and where will they turn when White America rejects them and they can't even speak [the language of my ethnicity]? I like to believe the derision they exhibit comes from a kind hearted, albeit extremely cynical place.

One of the most important things we do for our kids is try to expose them to other families with "differences"--2 moms, 2 dads, parents of different races, parents of different ages, 1 parent cooks/the other doesn't, 1 parents speaks Italian/the other is a native Polish speaker. The message is that everyone has differences, ours happen to be easier to see.

[Anonymous]

We are the reverse mix. I am white, DH is Indian. The kids are still little but I have yet to encounter the reaction you are describing in relation to them (though there was plenty directed at me when we got married). I agree with the previous poster – I think these attitudes tend to be more prevalent with people my in-laws’ age. FWIW, I attracted way more attention as an outsider in a temple in Edison, NJ than I did on the streets of India. I have found some of the blatant racism directed at me shocking because somehow it is okay to say hateful stuff in the interest of “protecting our culture.”

Where do you live? Are mixed families the norm or the exception? We live in NoVa. Half of my daughter’s preschool class is racially mixed and I love that the kids don’t even seem to notice. Maybe surrounding yourself other mixed families will help with your feelings of isolation? If the people giving you the looks don’t appreciate how special your family is and how lucky your child is to be growing up in such a diverse way that is their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please don't despair. I am half Japanese, half white (Irish/English), and I love it. These days there are so MANY mixed kids that it isn't really that big of a deal, particularly in this area. Your child will take his cues about how he should feel about himself from you. My parents always portrayed it as a positive thing and so, even though I did get teased as a child (back in the day when I was much more unique) I really always felt good about who I am. I felt different, but in a good way, as in I stood out in a crowd. While it is true I didn't belong to any group per se, I always felt I could move fluidly among groups and be at home in my own skin in any environment.

I married someone with an altogether different mix so my own kids are REALLY mixed and it is just who they are. Your son is not Indian, he is not white, he is what he is--a mixture of both. And that is its own unique and wonderful thing, to be celebrated and not a cause of concern or shame. If others can't see it, that is really sad, but there are many other families like yours and you should look to them for your support. But those people who don't accept it better get used to it, because that is where we are going as a society.

I hope this helps a lot. I'm the PP who is white, but married to an Arab (born in the middle east). We've got a mix of cultures and ethnicities in the house, and I think it's wonderful. My husband has a fantastic attitude about loving this country as well as his birth country. I hope to raise our kids with that attitude as well. Showing them how wonderful it is to be part of two cultures, not just one. I don't know if it will work, but I'm working hard to make it so. We travel annually to my husband's country. Our DC is learning both languages, foods from both cultures, music from both, etc. I guess we can only see what happens.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you feel isolated. There are actually a good number of mixed kids in my son's daycare - probably 4 out of 15 kids in his class alone - and I don't think anyone blinks an eye about it. So there are some places where you won't feel isolated or get attitude; the key is to find them.