How to handle a friend in need...

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine is publicly asking for money to go towards doctors bills. It's not cancer or a life threatening illness but we have been friends over a decade so I feel cornered. I was asked to share their page so I look like a jerk not contributing. The thing is, is that even though my husband makes more money than hers (we both are SAHM) we also have more fixed expenses than they do and my husband works an extremely physically demanding second job all weekend so we can stay ahead and put a little money into savings. Hers does not, nor has he even attempted to find any source of second income, so it makes me feel bitter giving them money - I guess I'm more annoyed with my friends husband than my friend to be clear. Why is he above getting a second job? Not to mention that I just had a baby 3 months ago so our own medical debt and baby expenses are mounting. She can't help being sick and not knowing what's wrong although I suspect lifestyle choices have something to do with it. Their families have contributed to their groceries etc for a while now and I guess maybe they're fed up and that's why they're asking for donations publicly. Would you give a friend money in the same situation? We would have to pull from savings to do so if that matters.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this sort of thing on FB before. Totally inappropriate. It doesn't make you a bad friend or an uncaring person if you don't dig into your savings to help someone with their medical expenses. If there are ways you can offer to help other than footing bills for her, like watching her kids while she goes to appointments or bringing food and doing laundry if she needs to rest--then offer those things.

[Anonymous]

This is tough and why I HATE those go fund me type things. You are basically put in a position to judge if someone is worthy or not of a donation, and they know it.

As far as your last line of dipping into savings, I would absolutely not.

I would write a nice, heartfelt note saying you are not in a position to give financially ("as you know, the new addition has put Joe to work at a second job" type of thing) and offer something you feel appropriate, whether it's a ride to MD appointments, talking on the phone, a meal.

FWIW, I would question whether they would be the type to, for example, drop their children off for 8 hours when you said you could do 2 hours, or otherwise have a lack of boundaries, but only you would really know if they would take advantage of any kindness.

[Anonymous]

I would ignore until she asks you directly.

[Anonymous]

9:59 here. Also your post makes it sound like you feel guilty and need to justify and make excuses for your sensible decisions. Don't. What she's doing is unfair, irresponsible, and emotionally manipulative. While I can understand and forgive it, it shouldn't affect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore until she asks you directly.

+1 and if asked be direct. I don't even think you have to explain why not, but let her know that your husband's second job is what keeps you all barely afloat. That would also suggest a solution for her problem.

[Anonymous]

Since your husband is working a second job and presumably working SEVEN days a week with no days off because the money is needed, NO. DO NOT GIVE.

I'm REALLY tired of the constant go fund me accounts. The last two I saw were:

"I'm pregnant with my 4th child and I work. My boyfriend is a full time student so he doesn't work. We're days away from being evicted". I don't know this pale ray of sunshine, but if you keep having kids as a single mother, you should expect to struggle and no one should support your lifestyle. Every person I know, my husband included, with babies at home had full time jobs and still went to school. That's life since bills don't pay themselves. My opinion.

"I got hit by a hit and run driver and I'm a 20-something full time student that can't work because, despite already being discharged from the hospital, I can't work because now I'm behind in school and my job wouldn't hold my job".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough and why I HATE those go fund me type things. You are basically put in a position to judge if someone is worthy or not of a donation, and they know it.

As far as your last line of dipping into savings, I would absolutely not.

I would write a nice, heartfelt note saying you are not in a position to give financially ("as you know, the new addition has put Joe to work at a second job" type of thing) and offer something you feel appropriate, whether it's a ride to MD appointments, talking on the phone, a meal.

FWIW, I would question whether they would be the type to, for example, drop their children off for 8 hours when you said you could do 2 hours, or otherwise have a lack of boundaries, but only you would really know if they would take advantage of any kindness.

+1. This is a good response.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I'd donate $25 and call it a day. That way I've acknowledged her pain and our friendship without taking a real financial hit for myself.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand how you feel.

And here's the thing - if you do contribute, what happens when the medical bills are paid off? Do they start paying back their friends? Or do they continue to live their lives. If you did contribute, what would happen when a year later, they take a vacation, buy a new car or enroll one of the kids in an expensive activity? I'm guessing you'd be pissed. I would be.

(I contributed to a fund to buy someone a car after she had an accident. When I later found out the accident was because she was texting AND drunk, I was really pissed. I wanted to take my money back. And when she went back to her spendthrift habits afterward, including doing all sorts of things I don't do because of expense, I was even more annoyed.)

[Anonymous]

Internet begging is the new thing and it's spreading like wildfire. Why work if you can get someone else to give you what you want ?

If I gave to every person claiming to need money, I'd be setting up a gofundme page for myself. I'd be broke.

Then to find out some of these people have savings they " can't touch ", I really get pissed. How the hell can you ask for money when you have savings ?

WTH ? You need to half those savings you can't touch, or won't touch, and make an emergency fund. Nobody is going to replace my money but me so me won't give anymore.

Life is a sacrifice. Learn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, I'd donate $25 and call it a day. That way I've acknowledged her pain and our friendship without taking a real financial hit for myself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do you think that if she gets a good response, she would ask again later? You shouldn't feel guilty about trying to care for your own family first. There are places online where they can find help creating a budget and most medical offices will work with you in paying off debt. It would be great to have others pay our bills, but that's not how life works.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe people do this. I'm sorry you're in this position, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, why can't they get insurance on the exchange? It should be affordable now and they cannot be denied; why do they still have high medical fees?