Sick Mother (Difficult Personality, Untreated Bipolar) Moving In Temporarily

[Anonymous]

I need practical advice on how to draw boundaries with my mother - who is temporarily moving in with me and my family as she undergoes medical tests. How do I draw a boundary on the length of time for her to stay? How do I draw boundaries for her on other stuff (she constantly tries to fire my au pair or cleaning lady, does crazy stuff)? Should I even let her move in? Has anyone else had experience with a mother who is bipolar (but refuses treatment), who is anxious and depressed, divorced/single, has alienated herself from the rest of the family because she has a "difficult personality," where her doctors don't like her because she is mean/difficult to them? where my mother has been a difficult and destabilizing presence in my life and I am terrified to have her enter my life and live with me - afraid she will never leave? My mother is also resistant medical treatment but her doctors think she has cancer and I need to get her tested/treated - part of the reason I am inviting her to stay with me for a week or two is to be sure she gets tested - she is already sick with a hemoglobin level of 6 (instead of 15) and is refusing blood transfusions so I don't think she is getting enough oxygen to her brain to think clearly? so an already difficult/crazy personality is not even more hard.... I am at the end of my rope and have an appointment to see a therapist....but I need to know if anyone has had an experience like this? should I (1) let her move in for a limited amount of time then get her settled back in her apartment (10 miles from me) (2) not let her live here much longer because she will unravel me (I feel like this is a "bad daughter" act not to let her stay for a while; or (3) if the doctor discovers she has late stage cancer, is it my duty as a daughter to invite her to stay at my house until she dies?

[Anonymous]

Whoa, OP. Sorry i don't have advice. Just good luck.

[Anonymous]

Wait, she lives just 10 miles away?

NO do not have her move in.

Do whatever else you need to do to help, but let your home be a sanctuary from the crazy.

Go get some help now: Office of aging services, therapy for you, research hospices and nursing homes of you think it is at that point. Do all you can to get her to the doctor.

But there is no need for her to reside in your home.

[Anonymous]

Good god, NO! Don't let her move in! Secure your own oxygen mask first! You are not in a position to withstand her moving in and, having been through this experience myself, you will regret it. You need to get over the guilt! I know it's hard because you've been so thoroughly conditioned but make sure that is one of the first things you talk to your therapist about. You are not responsible for your mother and her choices are her own.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no way would I invite that into my house. I don't know much, but would research services for the elderly through the city/county, etc. They may have more advice and/or resources for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need practical advice on how to draw boundaries with my mother - who is temporarily moving in with me and my family as she undergoes medical tests. How do I draw a boundary on the length of time for her to stay? How do I draw boundaries for her on other stuff (she constantly tries to fire my au pair or cleaning lady, does crazy stuff)? Should I even let her move in? Has anyone else had experience with a mother who is bipolar (but refuses treatment), who is anxious and depressed, divorced/single, has alienated herself from the rest of the family because she has a "difficult personality," where her doctors don't like her because she is mean/difficult to them? where my mother has been a difficult and destabilizing presence in my life and I am terrified to have her enter my life and live with me - afraid she will never leave? My mother is also resistant medical treatment but her doctors think she has cancer and I need to get her tested/treated - part of the reason I am inviting her to stay with me for a week or two is to be sure she gets tested - she is already sick with a hemoglobin level of 6 (instead of 15) and is refusing blood transfusions so I don't think she is getting enough oxygen to her brain to think clearly? so an already difficult/crazy personality is not even more hard.... I am at the end of my rope and have an appointment to see a therapist....but I need to know if anyone has had an experience like this? should I (1) let her move in for a limited amount of time then get her settled back in her apartment (10 miles from me) (2) not let her live here much longer because she will unravel me (I feel like this is a "bad daughter" act not to let her stay for a while; or (3) if the doctor discovers she has late stage cancer, is it my duty as a daughter to invite her to stay at my house until she dies?

If I understand you correctly, she has an apartment of her own. If she were my mother, she would be going home to her own apartment. I would take some time off to take her to testing and to get her set up with home health care as needed. It is absolutely not your duty to have her live with you until she dies. She can stay at her house with help until she is too sick to do so any longer and then she can go to an in-patient hospice facility.

[Anonymous]

How would living with you make it any easier to get her to her appointments and get her the tests she needs, especially if she is resistant to medical care and treatment?

I agree with PP to devote these two weeks to getting her the fate she needs, but keep her in her own home. There is no other way to keep a boundary, I'm afraid.

Again, if she is resistant to care, then she will not have a better outcome at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would living with you make it any easier to get her to her appointments and get her the tests she needs, especially if she is resistant to medical care and treatment?

I agree with PP to devote these two weeks to getting her the fate she needs, but keep her in her own home. There is no other way to keep a boundary, I'm afraid.

Again, if she is resistant to care, then she will not have a better outcome at your house.

^^ care she needs

[Anonymous]

No way would I let her move in with me.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your mom does not want treatment? And no, it is not your duty to have her live with you even if she is terminal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. Yes, she bought an apartment that's about 6 miles from my home. A relative of mine is pressuring her to move in with me/offering my house as an incentive for her to get treatment. It is frustrating because - you all are right - I *DO* need a sanctuary. I have the wellbeing of my own children to look out for as well.

Because my mother IS difficult/bipolar/etc, she bought the apartment over half a year ago, and I leant her an aerobes for her "first night" there, but now she has refused to buy other furniture for it and always complains about how uncomfortable her own apartment is, and that mine feels like a "spa" by comparison. I am tempted to just order her some IKEA furniture. But then I would be enabling her in some weird way and she would probably tell me how much she absolutely hates the furniture, etc.

Right now she says she wants to "rent out" her apartment as I think she is plotting to try to move in with me.....

I do need to create boundaries.....and as some helpful posters said before, create a sanctuary for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Yes, she bought an apartment that's about 6 miles from my home. A relative of mine is pressuring her to move in with me/offering my house as an incentive for her to get treatment. It is frustrating because - you all are right - I *DO* need a sanctuary. I have the wellbeing of my own children to look out for as well.

Because my mother IS difficult/bipolar/etc, she bought the apartment over half a year ago, and I leant her an aerobes for her "first night" there, but now she has refused to buy other furniture for it and always complains about how uncomfortable her own apartment is, and that mine feels like a "spa" by comparison. I am tempted to just order her some IKEA furniture. But then I would be enabling her in some weird way and she would probably tell me how much she absolutely hates the furniture, etc.

Right now she says she wants to "rent out" her apartment as I think she is plotting to try to move in with me.....

I do need to create boundaries.....and as some helpful posters said before, create a sanctuary for myself.

OP, you cannot let her move in with you. There is zero reason for her to move in, and once she's in your house, you will never get her to leave. Seriously, you won't. She'll rent out her apartment and then you'll have no way to get rid of her without making her homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Yes, she bought an apartment that's about 6 miles from my home. A relative of mine is pressuring her to move in with me/offering my house as an incentive for her to get treatment. It is frustrating because - you all are right - I *DO* need a sanctuary. I have the wellbeing of my own children to look out for as well.

Because my mother IS difficult/bipolar/etc, she bought the apartment over half a year ago, and I leant her an aerobes for her "first night" there, but now she has refused to buy other furniture for it and always complains about how uncomfortable her own apartment is, and that mine feels like a "spa" by comparison. I am tempted to just order her some IKEA furniture. But then I would be enabling her in some weird way and she would probably tell me how much she absolutely hates the furniture, etc.

Right now she says she wants to "rent out" her apartment as I think she is plotting to try to move in with me.....

I do need to create boundaries.....and as some helpful posters said before, create a sanctuary for myself.

Let the pressuring relative have your mother move in with them. DO NOT let your mother live with you. You know she'll never leave

[Anonymous]

Do not let her move in with you. Try going with her to medical appointments.

If you have any reason to think she is a danger to herself, you can try getting her hospitalized against her will. I tried this with my mom because she was telling us all she was dying and refusing to get medical treatment. Turns out the medical issue was fairly minor, and they let her out of the hospital psych ward after she said she wasn't suicidal. I was pissed.

If you want to try to compel medical treatment, you can try getting her declared incompetent by a judge and then getting POA. She'll still refuse to take meds, probably.

One book that helped me was I'm Not Crazy (or sick?), I don't need help about trying to help people with bipolar disorder etc, who refuse treatment.

It's really hard to see my mom not get treated for medical stuff because of her mental illness, and I've basically given up unless something really major comes up. She always was stubborn as hell. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Agreeing with everyone else. If you let her move in, all bets are off. She'll never move out, she'll ruin your life, and she'll live forever just to spite you. If you're married or have kids, she'll work her magic to ruin your family. If you're single, kiss any hope of a relationship goodbye.