Estranged from father

[Anonymous]

Everything stems back to my childhood. My mother abandoned me when I was a toddler and I was unable to connect with my father. I just remember a lot of silence and confusion as a child. There was never anyone to talk to when I had problems with friends, boyfriends, starting my menstrual cycle. I was very shy as a child. I still struggle with confidence and voicing my opinion at age 27. I spent a lot of time alone in my room.

I left home at age 18 and met an older guy. We were together for 5 year's. He basically took care of my financially and emotionally. We broke though when I finished college. Looking back the guy was a little abusive. I truly loved him though. This wasn't a sugar daddy thing. We lived together my entire undergrad.

Luckily, I have a fantastic husband and a baby on the way. It was just a matter of figuring out how to find a nice guy. I don't see my father or speak to him often. I'm almost always the one who reaches out. He usually will ask how Iam and then cut the conversation short. Often he says he will call me back but never does. I get so frustrated with him. Also, in my early20 s he rarely called me to ask if I needed anything. My boyfriend could never understand why he wasn't worried about me. I went out of state for undergrad. He never came to visit me there. My father also used drugs ( weed) and I was very embarrassed by this. I never introduced my ex boyfriend or my husband to my father.

I'm also very resentful he didn't care much for my education growing up. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood and all my friends had parents who would help them with their homework and in general cared about them. I can't understand how I got through school with the horrible handwriting I have now. How did my parents not catch that? Because of this I struggle with keeping jobs.

Overall though I have truly overcome lots of obstacles from my childhood. I'm employed, have healthy eating habits and am very capable of loving people. I actually get so depressed when I go to visit him. It's almost like a culture shock. I hate hate hate drugs and my dad can't seem to stay away from this for the 1-2 days I have came to visit.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Perhaps there's someone out there who can help?

[Anonymous]

Op again.

Carrying the shame of being from a bad family is overwhelming sometimes. It's not just that I had to spend years overcoming the pain of not being loved by my family, but I also had to work hard to overcome the patterns of abuse that seemed comfortable to me for years. I had to find a whole new way to be in my skin, and to learn how to meet and maintain relationships with people that were so different from everyone I had ever grown up with.

I've struggled with questions about estrangement. Was what he did "bad enough"? Would it do me more damage than good to never see him again? I don't have the answers to these questions yet, but I do really appreciate advice. It's a profound struggle, and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I think the life you've built for yourself, despite your circumstances, is amazing and something to be quite proud of! You are farther along than a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I think the life you've built for yourself, despite your circumstances, is amazing and something to be quite proud of! You are farther along than a lot of people.

Thank you. I had a therapist tell me the same thing. She only wanted to see me a few times. She seemed to think that I was fine.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a new therapist. I totally get where you're coming from. Many of us with similar backgrounds become 're-traumatized' after we have kids of our own and better understand the enormity of what happened to us in childhood. You haven't even had your DC yet, haven't imagined yourself at that age your DC is and how someone could do to you what was done - and then imagine someone doing it to your DC. It's horrifying. It sent me into a tailspin like I'd never been in before. Based on feedback from my therapist and other DCUM posts, I know my experience isn't uncommon. From your post, I see that you're still trying to rationalize the irrational, understand the unexplainable. You're likely going to need some assistance navigating this. I doubt your DH is up for it. Mine wasn't. His upbringing was the opposite of mine and while he was a great support, he really couldn't (can't) comprehend what I was going through.

But, on a more positive note, it sounds like you've done a fabulous job in creating the life you want. You've broken the pattern! That's so awesome and you should be proud of the strength and better choices you've made! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Are there books anyone recommends that would help with this sort of family problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there books anyone recommends that would help with this sort of family problem?

I know a lot of people who have had it far worse . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there books anyone recommends that would help with this sort of family problem?

I know a lot of people who have had it far worse . . .

So she's not allowed to feel sad because there are other people with much worse problems? It's like saying that her problems are no less important and that it's not ok to feel sad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there books anyone recommends that would help with this sort of family problem?

I know a lot of people who have had it far worse . . .

'


PP, I find OP very inspiring for what she has achieved. She certainly seems more empathic than you are. OR were you talking about yourself when you said that some people have it far worse?

Did you get neglected and abused? And now are you a complete wreck? Should we be applauding you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would go back to therapy. I have a similar experience. It is hard for others to understand the psychological damage of having a parent who is indifferent to their role. You were abandoned by one parent and had an indifferent other parent. You need to help yourself by going to therapy to work on these issues.

[Anonymous]

OP I would highly highly recommend this book -Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood. It will help you with some of the answers your are seeking. Till you don't take an internal journey about what happened with you in your childhood you will not be able to move forward. The pain will always stay but u will have a better understanding of your life.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I don't know you kind of lost me on the weed, maybe he doesn't want to judgement for you. Not saying he was a good dad, but I wouldn't want to visit someone who judged me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know you kind of lost me on the weed, maybe he doesn't want to judgement for you. Not saying he was a good dad, but I wouldn't want to visit someone who judged me.

I've never spoken to him about his drug habit. Making enough money for drugs was alwats his first priority – not his child. His drug habit lead to neglect so I am going to have to disagree with you.