Therapy...does it actually help to save marriages?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have always been pretty incompatible (extrovert-introvert But always made it work. Then boom, we both hit our 40s and DH becomes more and more unsatisfied with the way things are. He starts pushing for a separation and divorce. So we go into therapy. We've been doing it for 2 months now. We have our ups and downs. But the more I am doing it, the more unsure I am if it is doing us any good. Has therapy helped anyone here, on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who goes ends up divorced, but if you find a great therapist I think it could help.

[Anonymous]

Both people have to want it to work.
We have seen three and are getting divorced.
Have you read any of the gottman books.

[Anonymous]

In November of last year I was 90% sure I was walking out (and I have 2 kids, our marriage had gotten more than just stale). We have been in therapy for 9 months and I went to individual therapy for 6 months. I am now 99% sure that I am NOT leaving my husband. We have an amazing therapist and we are both putting 100% into it. Both people have to want to make it work.

Maybe you don't have a good therapist? Maybe your spouse isn't putting in 100%? It really does take two people to make a marriage. You can't control your spouse, but you can only give your best and know that you did everything to try to make it work.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

PP, do you mind sharing your therapist's name?

[Anonymous]

Marriage is about communication. Our therapist helped us understand our very different ways and how we were not picking up on a lot of positive messages. So yes, it can help. No two people are 100% compatible, but it can close the gap.

[Anonymous]

Seems like it would tend to focus you on the negative.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are on our second round. It has been really hard, and a lot of anger, hurt feelings, and uncomfortable truths have come out. It has brought us to the brink. However, we are both 100% committed to making it work and I believe we will. We owe so much to our therapist who has been so patient.

[Anonymous]

Nah

Individual therapy may help you rebuild your life afterwards

[Anonymous]

No... People here love to suggest it as a fix-all, and to feel better about themselves.

Going to a therapist for marriage is most likely a recipe for divorce.

[Anonymous]

The research says it helps in the short term. Long term data - five years out is so-so, but leans to saying there is improvement.

It didn't help us. We're divorcing. But I gained insight if I get involved again how to be a better partner.

[Anonymous]

My BIL and SIL worked it out via therapy and they have been together a long time--but they are committed to staying together for the children and now grandchildren. So, I think the therapy has enabled that, and helped them work on issues they have, but don't think they would still be together unless they had a common goal and reason why they are making it work.

[Anonymous]

They say that couples go to therapy 6 years too late. That's why so many couples who go to therapy still end up divorced. If you broke your leg and hobbled around on it for 6 years, it's really hard to fix it.

The key is to get into therapy soon, don't wait for the little dings to create permanent damage. And see a good therapist. If we had to go, I'd go to one that is Gottman trained.

Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Can anyone recommend a good therapist in DC near downtown or Cap Hill preferably?

[Anonymous]

We just started and I think it's helping. I tend to hold feelings in and being there forces me to get them out. We are both really committed to making it work, though. I think if either of us went in with a bad attitude or already made up our mind to separate then it would have much less chance of being successful.