Therapy...does it actually help to save marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it depend on the underlying issues? My DH and I are in counseling. He wants to leave, and he says he is checked out but he has not actually left and still takes me out to dinner, kisses me, has sex with me, has long conversations with me, etc. While in the session, he can't even say that he is conflicted that he wants to leave, but there must be something stopping him from just walking out and he says he actually has no logistical plan on how to leave. I am at a complete and utter loss about the situation, but I think that the underlying issues are probably important - so if your spouse cheats and that is really a deal breaker for you, it might not work no matter how hard you try, but if it is really just fighting because you aren't communicating, maybe therapy can really help. In my situation, we just had terrible communication for years, I was very angry with him, and he just bottled everything up to the point that he now just wants to leave though he never talked to me about all of his unhappiness for the past several years. So I am pretty pessimistic about our chances, but am clinging to a sliver of hope.

My dear, you might love him, but you are definitely enabling him.

[Anonymous]

The two family members I know who have been in marriage therapy are still together and seem happier, but there's something "off" about their behavior with their spouses, like they are Stepford or really working at getting along. I kind of wish they had just split and acted normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it depend on the underlying issues? My DH and I are in counseling. He wants to leave, and he says he is checked out but he has not actually left and still takes me out to dinner, kisses me, has sex with me, has long conversations with me, etc. While in the session, he can't even say that he is conflicted that he wants to leave, but there must be something stopping him from just walking out and he says he actually has no logistical plan on how to leave. I am at a complete and utter loss about the situation, but I think that the underlying issues are probably important - so if your spouse cheats and that is really a deal breaker for you, it might not work no matter how hard you try, but if it is really just fighting because you aren't communicating, maybe therapy can really help. In my situation, we just had terrible communication for years, I was very angry with him, and he just bottled everything up to the point that he now just wants to leave though he never talked to me about all of his unhappiness for the past several years. So I am pretty pessimistic about our chances, but am clinging to a sliver of hope.

My dear, you might love him, but you are definitely enabling him.

If my DH told me he wanted to leave and that he was checked out, I'd stop having sex with him. I don't see how I could enjoy myself around him anymore with things like dinner out, sex, long conversations. I mean, is he working on it or not? If he IS, he shouldn't be telling you he's checked out. Being checked out to me means going through the motions without feelings or intention to improve. If he has no intention of working on it, then he should leave and leave you alone until he does so.