MIL and I can't get along

[Anonymous]

It has been years. I am not like her, she resents me. I have tried killing her with kindness, but it backfires. Is there any hope? Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

If it has actually been years- cut your loses. Write her off. I feel sorry for women dealing with this. I love my mil and we have a good relationship, but my grandmother had been terrorizing my own mother for years. It's hard to watch. My mother is still trying after 45 years. Not worth it. There isn't enough Xanax in the world to make it worth it.

[Anonymous]

I learnt to just be a chameleon with mine. I tried not to offer my opinion or bring up anything. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. I gave less info and she had less ammunition. It confuses her. It's been almost 30 years now. The first 10 or so were so horrible. I tried so hard and was so stressed and hurt. She's older and mellowed a bit.

[Anonymous]

Dont be so extreme. Lose the words "resent". And "killing... " too.

[Anonymous]

What does she do that's bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont be so extreme. Lose the words "resent". And "killing... " too.

Stfu

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dont be so extreme. Lose the words "resent". And "killing... " too.

Stfu

This was not OP. OP is this (current) response. I don't really think we need to be nitpicky, do we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learnt to just be a chameleon with mine. I tried not to offer my opinion or bring up anything. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. I gave less info and she had less ammunition. It confuses her. It's been almost 30 years now. The first 10 or so were so horrible. I tried so hard and was so stressed and hurt. She's older and mellowed a bit.

OP here. This is us. Nothing I say/do is right! I don't really try (that I know of) - but (and this will rub the opposite types the wrong way - or raise more semantics criticism ) - I am positive by nature, and I think it bothers her, because she is quite obviously depressed. In my case, MIL is definitely getting worse with age. On the one hand it is sad, on the one hand, she is hell bent on hating (or as she would put it "not liking" - same thing to me ) - me.

[Anonymous]

Spend as little time dealing with her as possible. Tell DH--"Honey, it is up to you to call, visit, get gifts for your mom. I am backing off for awhile."

[Anonymous]

I shut her out completely. Nothing I do measures up anyway, so why bother? She would spend the entire visit criticizing me in her native language, right in front of me. I understand enough to know what she is saying.
It has backfired on her big time. DH never asks her to visit any more. He goes to visit her for two weeks every other year, which is way less than she expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learnt to just be a chameleon with mine. I tried not to offer my opinion or bring up anything. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. I gave less info and she had less ammunition. It confuses her. It's been almost 30 years now. The first 10 or so were so horrible. I tried so hard and was so stressed and hurt. She's older and mellowed a bit.

OP here. This is us. Nothing I say/do is right! I don't really try (that I know of) - but (and this will rub the opposite types the wrong way - or raise more semantics criticism ) - I am positive by nature, and I think it bothers her, because she is quite obviously depressed. In my case, MIL is definitely getting worse with age. On the one hand it is sad, on the one hand, she is hell bent on hating (or as she would put it "not liking" - same thing to me ) - me.

OP, as long as you behave like an adult and are cordial and polite, what does it really matter if she doesn't like you? Yes, it would be ideal if she did, but she obviously can't get past her own crap to do so.

You need to treat her like a colleague whom you don't really care for and whom doesn't really care for you. All the advice of "Cut her off," is nonsense b/c unless someone is a lying, thieving heroin addict, it's not really practical to cut them out of your life completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learnt to just be a chameleon with mine. I tried not to offer my opinion or bring up anything. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. I gave less info and she had less ammunition. It confuses her. It's been almost 30 years now. The first 10 or so were so horrible. I tried so hard and was so stressed and hurt. She's older and mellowed a bit.

OP here. This is us. Nothing I say/do is right! I don't really try (that I know of) - but (and this will rub the opposite types the wrong way - or raise more semantics criticism ) - I am positive by nature, and I think it bothers her, because she is quite obviously depressed. In my case, MIL is definitely getting worse with age. On the one hand it is sad, on the one hand, she is hell bent on hating (or as she would put it "not liking" - same thing to me ) - me.

OP, as long as you behave like an adult and are cordial and polite, what does it really matter if she doesn't like you? Yes, it would be ideal if she did, but she obviously can't get past her own crap to do so.

You need to treat her like a colleague whom you don't really care for and whom doesn't really care for you. All the advice of "Cut her off," is nonsense b/c unless someone is a lying, thieving heroin addict, it's not really practical to cut them out of your life completely.

NP. I am working on this. I hate being around MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend as little time dealing with her as possible. Tell DH--"Honey, it is up to you to call, visit, get gifts for your mom. I am backing off for awhile."

OP here. I guess I am trying to do the "right thing" - even though she should be older and wiser, and refuses to do the right thing. I need to stop trying.

DH sees how miserable she is, and avoids her, too. Of course, she blames me. I can't win, so I should just give up. Wish giving up was in my nature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learnt to just be a chameleon with mine. I tried not to offer my opinion or bring up anything. Everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. I gave less info and she had less ammunition. It confuses her. It's been almost 30 years now. The first 10 or so were so horrible. I tried so hard and was so stressed and hurt. She's older and mellowed a bit.

OP here. This is us. Nothing I say/do is right! I don't really try (that I know of) - but (and this will rub the opposite types the wrong way - or raise more semantics criticism ) - I am positive by nature, and I think it bothers her, because she is quite obviously depressed. In my case, MIL is definitely getting worse with age. On the one hand it is sad, on the one hand, she is hell bent on hating (or as she would put it "not liking" - same thing to me ) - me.

OP, as long as you behave like an adult and are cordial and polite, what does it really matter if she doesn't like you? Yes, it would be ideal if she did, but she obviously can't get past her own crap to do so.

You need to treat her like a colleague whom you don't really care for and whom doesn't really care for you. All the advice of "Cut her off," is nonsense b/c unless someone is a lying, thieving heroin addict, it's not really practical to cut them out of your life completely.

NP. I am working on this. I hate being around MIL. [/quote]

+1000

OP here. My MIL needs to grow up, instead of trying to tell everyone she "just doesn't like me" (for no reason, I swear!). She needs to get over herself. I mean, truth be told, I don't care for her either, but I'm not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I have a MIL who resents me and tries to manipulate me into doing what she wants. She's tried every trick in the book, kissing up to me, attempting to shame, scare and threaten me, tried replacing me, tried railroading me. I am always polite and pleasant to her, but I keep my mouth shut around her, stay on guard, and never back down. A bad MIL is like a bad coworker who's related to the boss. Just treat her like that. Give no ammo, be on guard, and avoid.

My MIL goes around pretending to others that she lurves me and thinks I'm soooo sweet, because she needs to put on a good face at all costs. When she gets me alone, though, it's bad.