family failing, very sad

[Anonymous]

been with dh for 20 years, married 13. he has become the most selfish, overly sensitive man I have ever met. He is verbally abusing my son to the point my son is now in therapy to over come is esteem issue created by mr. perfect. I finally told my spouse that maybe he needs to find a new family because apparently we are not good enough for him. Every single thing becomes an issue. We can't sit at the kitchen table with out him ruining the time because of something. The list is too damn long. I am sure he is a narcissist. Matches every sign of one. I don't want to leave him but what else can I do? He will not even have a conversation about therapy, or anything for that matter. If I bring up something, its a fight. He use to be a loving, caring person. Now he doesn't even get close to me. I feel so unloved its painful. very lonely. and the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is very scary. I am 53 years old. I want to put prozac in his coffee! maybe he's depressed, but I don't think so. On the few occasions I have seen him with his work mates, he seems very happy. It's when he is with is family that the angry man comes out. really there is no answer, just a vent because I need to vent!

[Anonymous]

Individual therapy for you. May I ask why you refer to DS as "my son" Does DH call him son or stepson?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Individual therapy for you. May I ask why you refer to DS as "my son" Does DH call him son or stepson?

he is both of ours. Very sad because DH is ruining the relationship bt the two of them . I can not sit back and watch my child be verbally abused, I usually just call son into a different room so he can get away from DH when he starts his crap.
I think he might be cheating but can't find a thing to prove it. I don't know what to think any more.

[Anonymous]

You say he is a narcissist, but you also say he used to be a loving, caring person. Narcissism doesn't spring up, it tends to always be in the personality in one form or another. What do you think has happened in the last few years (how long had this gone on?) Work? Health stuff? Agree with PP that you should seek individual therapy if DH won't do couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

If the situation is really as you describe, you are abetting child abuse by not leaving your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband is abusing your child. He is damaging him every day. Calling your child into another room doesn't make your child feel safe in his own home and it doesn't truly protect him, because he has to face that criticism every day he comes home from school.

Do your job as a mom. Divorce this man if he is not willing to stop his verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:been with dh for 20 years, married 13. he has become the most selfish, overly sensitive man I have ever met. He is verbally abusing my son to the point my son is now in therapy to over come is esteem issue created by mr. perfect. I finally told my spouse that maybe he needs to find a new family because apparently we are not good enough for him. Every single thing becomes an issue. We can't sit at the kitchen table with out him ruining the time because of something. The list is too damn long. I am sure he is a narcissist. Matches every sign of one. I don't want to leave him but what else can I do? He will not even have a conversation about therapy, or anything for that matter. If I bring up something, its a fight. He use to be a loving, caring person. Now he doesn't even get close to me. I feel so unloved its painful. very lonely. and the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is very scary. I am 53 years old. I want to put prozac in his coffee! maybe he's depressed, but I don't think so. On the few occasions I have seen him with his work mates, he seems very happy. It's when he is with is family that the angry man comes out. really there is no answer, just a vent because I need to vent!

To some degree, everyone is a narcissist. If he was once loving and caring, then it's unlikely he truly fits the narcissist profile. Depression and anxiety is much more likely. I also think you need to be more honest about whether you and your DS might truly have some ingrained behaviors that are really just done to get under your DH's skin and push his buttons. The only behavior you can change is your own.

[Anonymous]

What is his side of the story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband is abusing your child. He is damaging him every day. Calling your child into another room doesn't make your child feel safe in his own home and it doesn't truly protect him, because he has to face that criticism every day he comes home from school.

Do your job as a mom. Divorce this man if he is not willing to stop his verbal abuse.

Amen. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop enabling the abuse. Why don't you just tell that man to STFU? I feel so very sorry for your son. You chose that man, he didn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I lost you at "he is abusing my son". Therapy is not enough. You need to show your son that he is more important than your relationship with your husband. You have no idea how much your inaction is further messing up your kid.

[Anonymous]

Start talking to a lawyer. Start getting your finances together. You should have already started actually. Hire a detective if you think he's cheating - although not certain what that will mean for what you end up with. If he's lovely to others and shitty to you guys- there is likely someone else. Not that it matters. Take solace in knowing he'll be treating her this way soon enough. Even if he isn't- why on earth would you grit your teeth and bare it. Get moving on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband is abusing your child. He is damaging him every day. Calling your child into another room doesn't make your child feel safe in his own home and it doesn't truly protect him, because he has to face that criticism every day he comes home from school.

Do your job as a mom. Divorce this man if he is not willing to stop his verbal abuse.

Amen. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop enabling the abuse. Why don't you just tell that man to STFU? I feel so very sorry for your son. You chose that man, he didn't.

I understand divorcing him because she's personally done with him. But divorce won't stop him from verbally abusing his son. The kid will still be abused when he's with his father. It's a tough spot, and I don't have the answers. But OP shouldn't be made to feel like divorce is the simple solution to the problem.

[Anonymous]

How old is the child? He probably just doesnt like you anymore and taking it out on you two. Midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

I understand divorcing him because she's personally done with him. But divorce won't stop him from verbally abusing his son. The kid will still be abused when he's with his father. It's a tough spot, and I don't have the answers. But OP shouldn't be made to feel like divorce is the simple solution to the problem.

No one said divorce was a simple solution or that it would stop the abuse. However, that kid will have at least one stable, safe home environment rather than one unsafe environment where his mother allows him to be abused. Silence is acceptance. I'm not often a black and white person but this is one of those situations where there are no shades of gray.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about maybe he had a brain tumor or early onset dementia? The extreme change in behavior would make me wonder.