How to help shy middle school DD

[Anonymous]

DD just turned 13 and is entering 8th grade. She has always been a "quiet observer" but always wanting people around (think shy extrovert) and had 2-3 friends throughout elementary school with whom she felt comfortable enough to have playdates with and others kids as acquaintances.

She didn't go to the regular big middle school; she opted for a specialized and small 6-12 grade school in our district. Luckily she fell into a nice group of 5 other girls. The group was on the same class schedule and ate lunch together. After school, the girls were active on social media and skype but DD didn't do much (if really any) hanging out in real life except to study at school after school with some of them.

This summer I purposefully did not encourage many camps as I thought DD would be more interested in hanging out plus I also wanted her to take initiative on planning her activities. I was wrong.

When school first got out, she invited a few girls to do stuff (movie, beach etc..) but had a hard time getting the girls to respond or they were busy with activities. She hasn't gotten invited out but 2 times (all times to the movies), either. I have encouraged her to plan an outing because I think having to entertain one of these newer friends at home - lead the conversation/suggest things to do, makes her feel awkward and stressed.

Because of the early rejection this summer, I think she has lost her confidence. SHe has been home all week and last night I could definitely tell she was lonely. We talked about who she can ask to do something with and I encouraged her to text them early to set something up but she balked.

I talked to DH about this and he says, "she'll figure it out." I was painfully shy growing up and still somewhat today and I spent a lot of time alone because I had no idea how to "figure it out."

Is this pretty normal for middle school girls to withdraw somewhat socially over summer? I know I see groups on young teens hangout out at the beach but there are probably more just sitting home, right? How much socializing in real life do 13 year olds do?

Do you have a shy teen? How do you help them overcome shyness - especially if they really want to be social but their shyness holds them back?

[Anonymous]

I had one and really couldn't find a way to help overcome the shyness. I did try to do a lot of family activities so she wasn't just sitting at home with nothing to do.

[Anonymous]

My DD hasn't seen that many friends or even texted that much. I have found that people mostly overbook their summers to where there is little time for just "hanging out". Kids who do swim team stop coming to the pool, kids do sleep away camps, family trips, etc.

[Anonymous]

If you're drawing from a small pool of friends, there's always a chance that they are busy--camps, family trips. Some families spend pretty much the whole summer at the neighborhood pool and the kids all go to the same school and hang out. (We never did that.)

I don't think there is much you can do at this point. Your DD may be a little bored though. Maybe think about doing a last minute camp for a week or take on a home project? Not sure if she's home by herself during the day, but that can hard time to fill. If there's an adult or family around maybe consider going for excursions at the Mall. DC has so many great museums.

[Anonymous]

I have a "shy extrovert," too -- does not enjoy being alone, wants to be with friends, but is shy about pursuing it.

Does your DD feel more comfortable doing something one on one with a single friend, or in pairs or in groups?

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite kid from you, but she became very close with a shy quiet girl at the start of sixth grade. The girl literally took all year to be capable of talking to me.

Try to get your girl to hook in with one outgoing girl. Mine hauled her shy friend into all her socializing both in and out of school.

[Anonymous]

I find that kids are busy during the summer with camps and family vacations. My DD is an extrovert and likes to have friends over. I gave her an opportunity to have 5 friends over at the end of the school year because I knew she would likely not connect with them again until school started back up. She went to a few camps with one friend but was generally busy with sports camps and a family vacation. If your DD is athletic, I would encourage her to play sports through school. Most of DDS friends at school play sports. That is a good way for them to bond and get to know each other. I personally don't like DD to engage in too much texting because it can devolve into catty gossip, which I strongly discourage.

[Anonymous]

I always scheduled day programs/camps for my shy child every summer, except for a few weeks at the beginning and end for family time. I knew it was hard for him to organize other people to get together and would spend the summer alone or with us most of the time. Once in a while, he would be up for a sleep-away camp for a week. My BIL and SIL did the same with their shy DD and both kids have grown up well-adjusted but still "quiet observers" which is fine with us.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is an extrovert and has been bored all summer, too because I didn't schedule enough camps (we thought we'd be gone more this summer, but it fell through). She's called friends, but kids just aren't around - they're on vacations, at camp, etc. Lesson learned. Next year, I am booking her for more camps. If my daughter were shy, I would definitely do that, too! We've tried to do more family things to keep busy. And school wiill start soon enough!

[Anonymous]

An observation I have made - parents are still really the driving force behind socializing even in middle school and into early high school. It appears to be the kids during the school year but the reality is when the parents are literally being the ones who drive or hosting, the parent desires still push the invitees, I admit that I will limit my DDs choices of friends she can invite on summer outings. They are longer and it's hot and I get cranky much easier so some of her high maintenance friends are just a big no.