Should I try long distance?

[Anonymous]

Divorced 8 years. Dating has been meh. I've put more energy into raising children and other activities but have tried to date here and there. Have just not connected with anyone. Recently got together with an old bf. It's instant, powerful connection. He live 8 hours away. Due to children and jobs neither of us can move. If we lived nearby, I would date him but there would definitely be issues to be worked out. As it is, we could see each other about once every 2 months. He would have to drive 8 hours to see me. I'm a full-time mom, so it would always be with my kids. I think it's a bad idea, but my friend says I should give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Any experience with long distance relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced 8 years. Dating has been meh. I've put more energy into raising children and other activities but have tried to date here and there. Have just not connected with anyone. Recently got together with an old bf. It's instant, powerful connection. He live 8 hours away. Due to children and jobs neither of us can move. If we lived nearby, I would date him but there would definitely be issues to be worked out. As it is, we could see each other about once every 2 months. He would have to drive 8 hours to see me. I'm a full-time mom, so it would always be with my kids. I think it's a bad idea, but my friend says I should give it a try.

What are you hoping comes out of this? Seems to me it'd be difficult to establish a meaningful relationship only seeing each other every two months. Are you just looking for an occasional casual hookup?

[Anonymous]

If there is no way you can be in the same place in the next year or so, don't do it. Not worth the time and energy to devote to something that has no ability to move to the next level.

If you want to see him, fine. But don't be exclusive. Having a FWB every couple of months would be nice. But you should be seeing people that are also more geographically desirable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is no way you can be in the same place in the next year or so, don't do it. Not worth the time and energy to devote to something that has no ability to move to the next level.

If you want to see him, fine. But don't be exclusive. Having a FWB every couple of months would be nice. But you should be seeing people that are also more geographically desirable.

That sounds horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is no way you can be in the same place in the next year or so, don't do it. Not worth the time and energy to devote to something that has no ability to move to the next level.

If you want to see him, fine. But don't be exclusive. Having a FWB every couple of months would be nice. But you should be seeing people that are also more geographically desirable.

That sounds horrible

Why does that sound horrible? When I was dating, I had a FWB. It was nice to not take every date so seriously. I could relax knowing that I had another guy that I saw once every month or two. We would flirt, he made me feel pretty, always had a great dinner and conversation and incredible sex. I could tell when I was really into a guy if I was willing to tell FWB that we couldn't see each other.

[Anonymous]

Try it OP.

Are flights an option at all? What about meeting in the middle - so each of you goes 4 hours and takes the weekend?

There are options, and if it feels intense you should pursue it, I think.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how it can work unless you do it with the hope and plan that eventually one of you will be able to make the move closer to the other.

A long distance relationship may last if the ultimate goal is to be together eventually.

But if that is not the case with you two, then I don't see what you will benefit from seeing a guy every two months.

You would be limiting yourself to other opportunities that have a better chance of working out.

[Anonymous]

What does "working out" even mean?

[Anonymous]

If you have your child 100 percent of the time, I would not do it--you don't want your kid meeting mom's FWB at breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Eight hours away is not that great. If you both have strong feelings I would go for it.

[Anonymous]

If there is no reasonable end to long distance, it won’t work. You spend all your time longing and waiting. And that’s won’t end for years and years. It will just get too painful to wait for the next visit.

Plus, 8 hours is tough. If he leaves right after work Fri, he’ll get in at 1am (if you are lucky). And he’d have to leave by 2pm Sunday. So about 36 hours together (16 spent sleeping) so really only 20 (maybe 25, if you cut sleep). And he has to drive 16 hours for a 20 hour visit. That he has to share with your kid.

That’s going to get old really fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have your child 100 percent of the time, I would not do it--you don't want your kid meeting mom's FWB at breakfast.

+1

FWB is one thing, but it's not good for kids to get attached to someone temporary like that. If you want to see him, find a sitter and go to a hotel or arrange for them to be out of the house on sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

No. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is no reasonable end to long distance, it won’t work. You spend all your time longing and waiting. And that’s won’t end for years and years. It will just get too painful to wait for the next visit.

Plus, 8 hours is tough. If he leaves right after work Fri, he’ll get in at 1am (if you are lucky). And he’d have to leave by 2pm Sunday. So about 36 hours together (16 spent sleeping) so really only 20 (maybe 25, if you cut sleep). And he has to drive 16 hours for a 20 hour visit. That he has to share with your kid.

That’s going to get old really fast!

+1. I’m currently in a LDR, and I’m a parent. I see BF once a month for 2-4 days at a time. The only way it works for me is by having that monthly time to connect. I share custody with my ex, and my parents like having time with my kids. We have very intense feelings, and feel like the sacrifice is worth it. We also have an end in sight. This makes it tolerable when you get lonely. I get worn out on the waiting at times, but we talk multiple times a day and find ways to stay connected while apart.

For the the right person, the wait is worth it. Most people on DCUM think people are disposable, and you should date someone else. I don’t have a real and intense connection with just anyone. I’d rather spend my limited time with someone I really love.

FWIW, I haven’t introduced BF to my kids. I think it’s too complicated for them and don’t see the need until he moves and becomes a part of their life. If you’ll only be able to see him with the kids, I think that would be a really complicated situation for them. When BF visits me and I have custody, we do day dates while the kids are in school and I get sitters for the evenings.