how to politely suggest to MIL to visit for shorter time?

[Anonymous]

MIL lives across the country and visits once per year for 10-14 days. The visit is stressful - it is always while the kids are in school and dh and I are working so we don't see her much and get a ton of guilt. I have repeatedly suggested to her that she could actually see all of us more if she came twice a year for about 5 days each (holiday weekends extended by a couple of days), but she always declines with an invented reason (her job son't let her take off a half week, she couldn't find flights near the dates I suggest, etc). The cost of two flights is no problem for her. Any ideas of how I can more forcefully broach this with her? I do think a couple of shorter visits would be more pleasant for all and we would actually see her more.

[Anonymous]

I don't know but without knowing the details I say that your husband broaches this with her, not you.

[Anonymous]

Your husband deals with this. Otherwise, if she guilts you when you're working during her visit, just remind her that two shorter visits would mean more time together.

Two weeks out of the whole year is not that much time together. I'm surprised she doesn't want to come more frequently.

[Anonymous]

repeatedly suggested

Don't "suggest".
Op, you need to put your big girl pants on - and tell her that she should not stay more than xx days.
It should be your husband that says this, but if not, then you.

[Anonymous]

For me it is a waste to go cross country and only spend a week. Two days are spent traveling and there is jet lag to contend with.

[Anonymous]

I don't accept the guilt others try to put on me. If she bitched to me about not having time with us I'd just shrug and say "that's why I suggested you come over a long weekend. I can't pull the kids out of school."

But I'd make damn sure my DH was backing me up.

[Anonymous]

Why does she come when the kids are in school? The explanation about two flights makes sense, but why schedule it when the kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

If she is like my mother, just resolve yourself to the situation. She will never change. Consider yourself lucky that she only comes once a year and not during the holidays or the summer. Mine comes twice a year, during both. My wife or usually at wits end and on the verge of divorce by the time she leaves. It takes about two weeks to de-stress from the visit. I just hate Christmas, can't wait for it to be over. For anyone to visit for that length of time they need to be an utterly self centered person. There just isn't any way not to know that fish and house guests begin to smell bad after three days and are utterly rank after five. It's impossible not to know that. They just don't care. I suggest you get yourself a calendar. Mark a big happy face on the day she leaves and cross the days off with a big X as they pass. Order pizza as much as possible - hit the hay at night as early as possible - start going to the gym after work - everything you so should say "hey, we have lives here, how could you possibly think it is ok to drop in for two frigging weeks- ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! Schedule as many doctor's appointments as possible. Schedule every vendor you deal with to come during that time. Get your transmission fluid changed - tires rotated etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Is DH an only child? Where do any siblings live?

[Anonymous]

She visits for no more than two weeks in a whole year? I feel like you should grin and bear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She visits for no more than two weeks in a whole year? I feel like you should grin and bear it.

and consider yourself lucky you guys are all busy and don't have to cater to her 24/7

[Anonymous]

We cross the Atlantic once a year, at most, to visit parents. We stay 2 weeks, otherwise with jet lag and price of plane tickets, it doesn't make any sense.

If your MIL lives on the West coast, she woul dbe in a similar situation, and I understand that she would need 2 weeks to have a proper vacation.

OP, we all accommodate family as best we can. Personally, I can't stand to be with my mother for that long. But I still do, because of all the reasons mentioned above.

I think your present arrangement is a great one, because your work allows you do NOT be with MIL every second of the day! And then when you get home, and on weekends, you use your fatigue from work as an excuse to not run round catering to every whim. If you lay down boundaries, she will be able to decide whether it's worth it to change her visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is like my mother, just resolve yourself to the situation. She will never change. Consider yourself lucky that she only comes once a year and not during the holidays or the summer. Mine comes twice a year, during both. My wife or usually at wits end and on the verge of divorce by the time she leaves. It takes about two weeks to de-stress from the visit. I just hate Christmas, can't wait for it to be over. For anyone to visit for that length of time they need to be an utterly self centered person. There just isn't any way not to know that fish and house guests begin to smell bad after three days and are utterly rank after five. It's impossible not to know that. They just don't care. I suggest you get yourself a calendar. Mark a big happy face on the day she leaves and cross the days off with a big X as they pass. Order pizza as much as possible - hit the hay at night as early as possible - start going to the gym after work - everything you so should say "hey, we have lives here, how could you possibly think it is ok to drop in for two frigging weeks- ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! Schedule as many doctor's appointments as possible. Schedule every vendor you deal with to come during that time. Get your transmission fluid changed - tires rotated etc etc.

If your mother is having this effect on your family you need to deal with it. Why are you letting her ruin Christmas every year? Tell her no instead of the passive aggressive bullshit.

And for the people saying it takes soooo long to adjust coming from the west coast, that's ridiculous too. It's 3 hour, not 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it is a waste to go cross country and only spend a week. Two days are spent traveling and there is jet lag to contend with.

Are you my mother in law? I get very offended when she says its a waste or not worth it to come for 5 days vs 10. Isn't it better than nothing with your grandkids? I'm not OP, BTW.

[Anonymous]

For some people, the jet lag and hassle of travel is especially unpleasant. Why bear it twice?

Even though she can afford two round trip tickets, she may not think it's economical to do it that way, and most of us have a sense of what's a reasonable price to pay, even when we could just buy ourselves out of the inconvenience.

She only visits once a year. I would say something along the lines of - I hear your complaints, I would like to help remedy them, this is what I suggest, but you are of course free to do otherwise and we will always be happy to host you whenever you decide to come. If she keeps complaining, I would pick one line (maybe "you're welcome to visit another time if this doesn't work for you") and stick with it. Don't engage beyond that.