How Can I Be Supportive but Maintain Boundaries -- Brother in Abusive Relationship

[Anonymous]

My brother has been dating a crazy woman for 2 years. She's borderline (diagnosed, not just conjecture). It brings out the crazy in my brother, and he's been no saint, either. But she has beaten him down like I've never seen. He's about $400,000 in debt over her, she has cut him off from all his family and friends and doctors (including his psychologist and regular physician), he doesn't feel he can get anyone else. She is the "only" shot at family he has. But what kind of family???? She's verbally abusive to his two kids. She's told him flat out she despises his kids and they make her sick. They've had police involvement. None of this stops him from staying.

There was briefly some hope, where they broke up recently. He's come back to family for support, and we've been super-supportive. We helped him reconnect with family, friends, and medical professionals, and there seemed to be hope that he'd escape.

But of course now he's back. And he doesn't understand why we (family) have nothing left in us to support him while he stays with her. He wants us to love her like he loves her.

This is half-killing us emotionally. We can't bear to see what it does to him, much less his kids. I've been focusing on his kids the past 18 months, trying to help them (teen/tween). On one hand we want to be supportive if he leaves her. He's certainly not strong enough to do it alone. But we don't know how to show him we love and support him, but not the relationship. It's so hard listening to the hell she puts him through.

Anyone been there and done that? I hate the rollercoaster of emotions.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. If I were you, I would focus my resources on helping the kids. They are trapped in the situation, so by being a stable presence in their lives, and by modeling what healthy relationships should be like, you will be doing a wonderful thing.
Your brother is going to have to decide he wants to make a change. Until he decides to do that, there's little you can do for him. That's why I say you and the rest of your family should focus on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Does your brother share custody with the kids' biological mother? Is she in the picture at all? If so, and you think the kids would be better off in her care, then perhaps you could give her a heads up and support her efforts to get the kids. If this is not an angle you could pursue, then I agree with the previous poster that you should just do what you can for those kids. They are the real victims here. Your brother is choosing to stay with that woman, but his kids are trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your brother share custody with the kids' biological mother? Is she in the picture at all? If so, and you think the kids would be better off in her care, then perhaps you could give her a heads up and support her efforts to get the kids. If this is not an angle you could pursue, then I agree with the previous poster that you should just do what you can for those kids. They are the real victims here. Your brother is choosing to stay with that woman, but his kids are trapped.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I would focus my resources on helping the kids. They are trapped in the situation, so by being a stable presence in their lives, and by modeling what healthy relationships should be like, you will be doing a wonderful thing.

I was one of your brother's kids. I can't tell you how much it meant to have a safe, supportive place to go. For me, it was a friend's house. I thought I was great at hiding my home situation but, in hindsight, I know they knew. They never said anything about what they knew/suspected but always made me feel welcomed and included. They even brought me to their familly get togethers and always had a little something for me to open on Christmas/Easter gatherings (like little wind up toys, nothing big but it made me feel welcomed and liked).

[Anonymous]

OP again. The mom is around but has never been interested in being a parent. I have focused on the kids and will continue to do so. And never stop. You wouldn't believe how huggy and clingy these teen/Tweens are. (And I hug right back). I always thought they distanced themselves from adults at that age. And I'm glad PP, that it helped in your case. Gives me some hope.

I was just wondering if there is a way to be supportive of my brother so he also knows he's got people to turn to if he ever gets the strength to leave.