Parenting question about alcohol...

[Anonymous]

My parents and DH's were complete teetotalers. No alcohol anywhere, no social engagements with alcohol, nothing. DH and I do drink socially, but as my kids get older, I realize that I have no model of how to "deal" with alcohol-related issues.

DD (6) has started to ask to taste drinks, etc. What are some good pointers on this? Do some of you only drink when the kids aren't around? Or is it better to make it seem normal to them and not a big deal? How do you answer questions you have? Did your alcohol habits change as your kids got closer to high school/college (when they may be offered alcohol or want to try it)? (As in, did you decrease drinking in front of them as they got older?)

Any help would be appreciated, thanks! I seem to go back to my own childhood when I get questions. My parents thought drinking any alcohol was wrong, and I question whether I'm doing something wrong. DD has never seen us drunk, and we don't drink everyday or anything.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I will drink a glass of wine with dinner usually. We simply tell the kids that it is not for them - like coffee. No big deal. When they get older we will let them have some diluted wine with meals on special occasions. We haven't thought about their teen years yet - yikes!

[Anonymous]

We just say "it's a grown up drink, it's not good for kids who are still growing."

[Anonymous]

I'd drink in front of him and you can go either way:
1. tell him no, he can't have any, as this is a grown up drink. Kids drink (fill in the blank.... water, juice, milk, hot cocoa....) Just like coffee and tea are grown up drinks (although some families do allow their children to have tea)

2. say that, but also allow a little taste here and there, since kids are naturally curious - if he wanted to taste the brussel sprouts you were eating you'd let him, so he doesn't see any difference between that and the drink you have. You do, of course, because it has alcohol in it but he doesn't know that. So, he can have a taste - believe me, not a child in the world thinks wine or a mixed drink tastes good!

3. I'd try to not say things like "I've had a hard day, I need a drink!" - at least, I don't want to model that I use alcohol to solve problems.

[Anonymous]

DD (6) has started to ask to taste drinks, etc. What are some good pointers on this? Do some of you only drink when the kids aren't around? Or is it better to make it seem normal to them and not a big deal? How do you answer questions you have? Did your alcohol habits change as your kids got closer to high school/college (when they may be offered alcohol or want to try it)? (As in, did you decrease drinking in front of them as they got older?)

My boyfriend owns a string of bars, so we're obviously an alcohol-friendly family. There are four kids - 23, 20, 11, and 8. At age six if one of ours asked to taste we said sure. They always took a sip, made a face, and handed it back*. We have no problem drinking in front of the kids. My drinking habits did not change as my kids got older. In our circles of family and friends we all handle kids drinking the same way: once you've come back from being away for college, you can have your own drink. Before that, you can only taste out of other people's glasses. The kids have seen example after example of responsible drinking. They've seen adults turn down offers of wine (I'm on antibiotics, I'm driving tonight, I need to be sharp for a test/meeting tomorrow morning), they've seen people take keys away from others (Hey, let me drive you home and Jay will drive your car behind us), they've seen me bake chocolate booze cake or cook with wine and they know alcohol cooks out but leaves the flavor.

IMO, it's better for them to see responsible drinking than no drinking at all. No drinking at all does not simulate real life.

*The exception to the little kids having their own glass: my son, the oldest, got into making alcoholic milkshakes at one point. Like vanilla bourbon and stuff like that. If the little kids tasted and liked it, we'd let them have their own shot glass of milk shake.

[Anonymous]

My father's family is European, and even when we were little (before age ten), the kids in our family would be served wine - like, two sips - with meals. Alcohol and drinking were demystified for us, and it obviously wasn't forbidden, so I didn't sense any "mystique" around it. I felt much better prepared for the marathon booze-fest that is American university than my friends who hasn't been exposed. I had no interest in going totally nuts with alcohol in my late teens/early twenties.

[Anonymous]

My parents drank socially quite a bit, and never made it mysterious for me. For as long as I can remember, they would have let me have a sip of wine or beer, which I of course thought was disgusting. In high school, if I had asked for a margarita or something they would have let me have one. Their thought was they would rather have me experiment with them. Probably not a great idea for a lot of kids, but it certainly worked for me. I never thought drinking was cool or mysterious, never drank at parties with friends, never drank and drove. In college I occasionally drank, but never to extremes. I've been throw up drunk exactly once in my life. I'm almost 40 and still rarely drink.

My kids (under 10) have had sips of wine (they think it is gross). I plan to approach things similarly with them unless something in their personalities changes my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father's family is European, and even when we were little (before age ten), the kids in our family would be served wine - like, two sips - with meals. Alcohol and drinking were demystified for us, and it obviously wasn't forbidden, so I didn't sense any "mystique" around it. I felt much better prepared for the marathon booze-fest that is American university than my friends who hasn't been exposed. I had no interest in going totally nuts with alcohol in my late teens/early twenties.

Are you me?? +1. Though I think the first time I was buzzed was at my 10 or 11th bday party...we went to dinner and over the course of a 3 hour meal, I had an entire bottle of soft cider (the 2.5%) alcohol stuff...anyway...once I got to college in the U.S., I wasn't interested I. The drinking scene because I'd tasted everything before, knew what I liked and didn't so felt no need to explore in an irresponsible way.

[Anonymous]

My nine year old asked why alcohol is an adults drink and I told him that coffee and alcohol are not good for children because their bodies and brains are still growing and developing. We talked about how those beverages might slow down growth and development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nine year old asked why alcohol is an adults drink and I told him that coffee and alcohol are not good for children because their bodies and brains are still growing and developing. We talked about how those beverages might slow down growth and development.

This is the right answer.

[Anonymous]

I don't drink often at all but my husband does. It would never in a million years occur to me to not drink in front of the kids. They know what wine, beer, etc is and sometimes ask to taste it. We almost always let them take a sip. Same with coffee. I think it makes them less interested actually... sort of BTDT. They are 4, 6 & 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father's family is European, and even when we were little (before age ten), the kids in our family would be served wine - like, two sips - with meals. Alcohol and drinking were demystified for us, and it obviously wasn't forbidden, so I didn't sense any "mystique" around it. I felt much better prepared for the marathon booze-fest that is American university than my friends who hasn't been exposed. I had no interest in going totally nuts with alcohol in my late teens/early twenties.

Are you me?? +1. Though I think the first time I was buzzed was at my 10 or 11th bday party...we went to dinner and over the course of a 3 hour meal, I had an entire bottle of soft cider (the 2.5%) alcohol stuff...anyway...once I got to college in the U.S., I wasn't interested I. The drinking scene because I'd tasted everything before, knew what I liked and didn't so felt no need to explore in an irresponsible way.

This is also how I grew up. I was able to taste it at family functions as a young child and had a drink or two with my parents in hs. DH and I have drinks with dinner or in the evenings at home and have always told our children what we are drinking, if asked. We probably won't let them have a sip until they are 10-12, mainly because they have no interest. Similar to PP, we said alcohol and coffee are for grow ups and not good for kids. It's not taboo in our house and they regularly see it.

[Anonymous]

One consideration. Are your parents teetotalers only because they disapprove of alcohol or are they teetotalers because their parents were drunks? Sounds from your post like it's the former but if it's the latter then your kids might be at risk for addiction because of their genetic heritage. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let them drink, just that you should make them aware of the family history and that they need to monitor their use.

[Anonymous]

Just a contrary opinion, we were told at the alcohol and drug seminars at our kids' schools to not allow kids to try alcohol at home when they are young. The educators leading the seminar said that research shows that the longer you delay the first sip of alcohol, the first time a kid tries drugs, and the first time they have sex, the healthier they will be as adults.

Obviously, people have been plenty of evidence to the contrary but we've followed that advice about not giving sips of alcohol at home and our teens have not been wild -- at least not yet! (This was also the rule in my house growing up and I didn't have any trouble in college or beyond with alcohol.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a contrary opinion, we were told at the alcohol and drug seminars at our kids' schools to not allow kids to try alcohol at home when they are young. The educators leading the seminar said that research shows that the longer you delay the first sip of alcohol, the first time a kid tries drugs, and the first time they have sex, the healthier they will be as adults.

Obviously, people have been plenty of evidence to the contrary but we've followed that advice about not giving sips of alcohol at home and our teens have not been wild -- at least not yet! (This was also the rule in my house growing up and I didn't have any trouble in college or beyond with alcohol.)

That sounds incredibly naive...do you know for sure your teens haven't had sex, tried pot etc just because you haven't let them have a sip of wine?? This is the same argument as teach abstinence, kids won't have sex. If that worked, the U.S would have a much smaller percentage of teen pregnancy than Western Europe where they have comprehensive sex education and diluted wine with dinner. Also, if this worked fewer American teens would die in alcohol induced car accidents...but hey, just because it worked for you and maybe for your kids, you must be right.