Has anyone ever had a successful conversation with their teen about weight?

[Anonymous]

This is an ongoing struggle for me - one of my dd's is overweight. Her weight has increased every year to the point where she is now at least 40 pounds overweight. She is now 17. I have tried numerous things over the years (emphasizing 'health' over diet, movement, etc.) but in the past 18 months have pretty much backed out of it altogether. This has not worked. Our doctor has gently spoken with her at her yearly physicals for the last 4 years and it has made no impact. She makes bad nutritional choices and doesn't seem to care on the surface, but I can't imagine she doesn't really care. I know the consensus on here is usually to back off and let the kid decide what to do, but it's remarkably difficult to watch your amazing DD gain weight and not say anything. I fear for when she heads off to college in another year and there is unrestricted eating at all hours.

[Anonymous]

Do you not have family meals in your house? That might be a way to start - doing healthy eating TOGETHER, as a project or whatever.

It sounds like she is binging or secretly eating for comfort. You need to address the causes of that first really.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any great advice but I would say you need to do something.

I weighed 140 in the 5th grade and about 175 when I graduated high school. Now it is ten years later and I weight 270 and I really really really wish I could turn back the clock and avoided all of the harm I have caused my body.

[Anonymous]

OP - it's a really delicate conversation. Is she depressed by any chance? Overeating due to stress or another condition? Or just chooses Cheetos over carrots? Is she happy with her body?

As her mom, you obviously really care about her well being. You have to be careful not to wreck her self esteem by telling her she is overweight. Maybe find a teen- focused support group? Therapy with a psychologist that deals with nutrition/eating? Yoga class or something physical? Weight watchers has a teen program and teen message boards.If you are going to talk to her, do it directly and talk about health not weight.

I know this isn't great advice. But, my
Mom traumatized me into an eating disorder as a teen. I'll never be a size 0, the weight criticism started at age 3 when my mom insisted that I not be served cupcakes at kids parties due to weight. She was concerned Id be ridiculed by other kids for being fat; though I secretly learned how to trade fruit for candy. The weight oversight and constant monitoring of my food intake got more intense into my teenage years. I dropped from a size 12 to a 2 thanks to an eating disorder. My mom was never prouder. Got therapy and went to a more normal weight in college it began again. It continues today - even at 8 months pregnant - "I could lose a few". She says "she does it out of love" as "I'll be so much happier thinner." I love my mom dearly, but I think of the pressure to be thin with every carb.

Just saying there is a fine line. Most likely she will figure it out on her own in college - just give her positive tools to handle it in a healthy manner.

[Anonymous]

I would get a family counselor involved. Like pp, my mother's food issues helped me to develop an eating disorder, as well as trauma which led me to overeat for comfort.

[Anonymous]

Where does she get the unhealthy food or is it portion control as well? One thing I've done is really stock the house with healthy choices. We don't have pizza, chips or ice cream here. We may order a pizza for a fun Friday dinner with salad or go out for ice cream on occasion but the temptation isn't here in the house. Instead snacks are yogurt,
PB&J, cheese sticks, apple with pb, carrots and hummus. But 17 is older and I imagine she has a lot more freedom to buy her own foods than my younger ones do. It's such a sensitive subject, I would try to lead by example but it sounds like that is what you've already done.

[Anonymous]

I was a fat kid, and was shamed into losing weight when I was a younger tween (~11 years old), which basically morphed into an eating disorder. Maybe I am better off for it, because I would have gotten out-of-control fat if I didn't change things; even now I still weigh less than I did when I was 11. But I really don't think there is a way to make a fat teen successfully lose weight that isn't going to make them ashamed and isn't going to lead to a lifetime of body issues and yoyo dieting. A fat teen obviously knows she is fat, and her parents are not going to be able to convince her to do what she won't do on her own without huge helpings of shame.

[Anonymous]

My teen sons both went into their senior year of high school 40-50 pounds overweight. They both decided on their own to lose the weight that year and did with a combination of better eating and exercise. I think the reality of college coming up and a chance to "remake" themselves and start fresh somewhere else was motivating. But it had to come from them. Not sure that is helpful, or whether you could encourage her to think about it this way, but thought I'd share our experience.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I talk very matter of factly with my daughter about weight and health. It is not healthy to be overweight (like I am) and I acknowledge that and tell her I hope to give her a better foundation than I was given. She had definitely been getting heavier going into middle school. Her doctor, a woman, told us at her last appointment that she had gained 20 pounds in a year and that was too much. She said not to focus on losing weight, but on not gaining at that rate. She was very matter of fact about it. We took her advice to heart and made some tweaks.

I do all our family grocery shopping. I cook at home for dinner 5 to 6 nights per week now instead of 3 to 5. Dinners are a lean protein and a vegetable. I eliminated extra starch with dinner. She eats breakfast at home and eats a packed lunch each day. Her lunch is typically a sandwich, a piece of fruit, and a bag of carrots. I do not buy cookies, baked goods, or candy of any kind and bring it into the house. Daughter and husband like ice cream so we have one container of ice cream at a time and dessert is a serving of ice cream with a teaspoon of fun sprinkles measured with a fun heart shaped measuring spoon. I have one "junk" snack food at a time and those things are pretzels, pop chips, popcorn, or something similar. I buy no soda that she or I will drink. I do have some diet soda for my husband for his lunches. I love soda. Love it. So I only drink it when we go out to eat and I am really trying hard to eliminate that -- need willpower. Daughter is choosing water at restaurant meals now so that is an improvement as well.

We increased her exercise and opportunities for exercise exponentially. She plays a fall sport at school and gets 2 hours of practice time 4 to 5 days per week. We joined a gym as a family so after school when her sport is over she goes to work out at the gym with me. We also paid for a couple sessions with a personal trainer who works her out until she is sopping with sweat. This has made a *huge* difference for her because she is really proud of what she can do and how much she has improved. Her summer activities are all active. Sleep away camp that is non stop all day long -- sports, swimming, climbing walls, river tubing, etc. Outdoor day camp with swimming and on no camp weeks pool time with swimming, diving, lots of sharks and minnows, etc. When she wants to invite friends over, we go do something so there is no sitting around.

We have been making these efforts for less than a year. I had to take her to the doctor for an earache earlier in the summer and she had grown 2 inches and lost 4 pounds.

[Anonymous]

I was a heavy kid (5'5/180 pounds) who lost the weight in college. She has to make the commitment for herself. My parents badgered me about my weight for years, and it did nothing but make me embarrassed and resentful. When I was finally ready to put in the effort and make a change for myself, I did.

[Anonymous]

Are her unhealthy choices different than the choices that the rest of the family makes?

If her siblings are eating chips and cookies, it is unreasonable to expect her to make a different choice.

I would ensure that only healthy options are available in the house, and I would also consider health issues. PCOS is often an overlooked culprit.

[Anonymous]

If you're defining "successful" as "resulted in child losing weight," sure. It happens. And frequently, the kid has a screwed-up relationship with food and exercise forever after and a bad relationship with parents, too.

Sometimes the kid doesn't lose weight but gets the bad relationship with food and parents anyway.

Read "Fat Politics" and read about Health at Every Size. Then apologize to your daughter, sincerely, and work on being supportive. Let her be who she is and weigh what she weighs, and don't assume that she couldn't possibly be happy because of her weight. If her behavior indicates unhappiness -- if she lacks connections and interests -- ask her about that, neutrally. But never ever ever mention her weight.

[Anonymous]

Our daughter was worried about her weight so we joined Cross Fit -- TOGETHER! I have shaped up and she has really shaped up, and she has really listened to the coaches about what to eat, and how to eat to build muscles and strength. I have struggled with my weight and didn't want her to have the same struggles. We have also signed up for and run 5K's together. Saying "Let's go out and exercise and have some fun together," is a much better strategy than sitting her down and saying "Why are you fat? What are you going to do about it?" -=- which is what my mother still does to me, incidentally. (My mother, the woman with the world's most awesome metabolism, who can literally have 3 Krispy Kreme donuts for lunch and not gain weight -- lectures from her? Not helpful.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get a family counselor involved. Like pp, my mother's food issues helped me to develop an eating disorder, as well as trauma which led me to overeat for comfort.

+1 million.

[Anonymous]

Geneen Roth wrote some great books that helped me as an adult - When Food is Love, Breaking Free From Emotional Eating and more. I'm another with an eating disorder after a shaming childhood. A caring therapist would be more helpful. You could make it worse, even though you and the doctor have the best intentions.

I love the poster who joined Cross Fit with her daughter btw - what an authentic relationship with your daughter!! (That would only work if it's from the heart - not done by a manipulative parent)