sibling's DUI - helping vs enabling?

[Anonymous]

Need some advice and perspective. Younger sibling was arrested last night for DUI (first offense). He refused a breathalyzer and thus faces an automatic license suspension, which I believe is for at least a couple months. He called to tell me today and to ask if I would drive him to his first AA meeting. When I got to his house, he was shaking and crying and had dumped every bottle. I drove him to the meeting and bought him some dinner. He asked me to drive him to his court date next week and possibly to some AA meetings if he can't bike there. He is in his 30s, single, a professional but in a low paying field. He never seems to have any savings. He does not feel that he can go to our parents for support (dysfunction issues that would be a whole other thread) and is fearful of potential consequences to his career. I am ten years older and financially secure. He has found an attorney and has asked me to loan him money for his legal fees. I am not sure what to do. I can afford to loan him the money, but am not confident that it would be repaid in a prompt manner without my having to ask. Would it be enabling if I paid for the attorney and told sibling that this is a one-time gift, and that if there are future legal problems, I cannot help? Or should I give him a few hundred dollars and tell him that is all I can do? Also, I really do not want to be his taxi service. I have told him I will help when I can but that I have obligations to my own family. I certainly hope that this experience will be the wake up call that enables him to turn his life around, but I realize that it would be naive for me to think that it will be smooth sailing from here. Anyone been there/done that?

[Anonymous]

Enabling him would be doing things that would contribute to his ability to drink. None of the things you describe will do that. That being said, you don't sound like you care about him or want to be helpful to him, so he is better off without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enabling him would be doing things that would contribute to his ability to drink. None of the things you describe will do that. That being said, you don't sound like you care about him or want to be helpful to him, so he is better off without you.

Wow, thanks. You could not be more wrong. I love him and would do anything to support his sobriety, but do not want to make him dependent on me.

[Anonymous]

You are not enabling him. Driving him to meetings is one of the best things you can do. After you get him there a few times, he should be able to meet friends who can drive him, or find meetings within biking distance.

Been there done that with my brother. He's seven years sober, and has turned his life around. He now owns his own business and is married with three kids.

[Anonymous]

Pay the attorney directly. Do not give the money to your brother. Do not give it to him unless you are okay with never getting paid back.

[Anonymous]

Drive him to meetings with AA and court and his lawyer etc but not fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

Enabling someone to drink is exactly what it says. Doing things that enable that person to drink. Making excuses for their drinking. Accepting blame for their drinking.

Paying the attorney (and I agree that you should pay the attorney directly) can be enabling if the alcoholic/addict has not accepted the consequences of his actions but it sounds like your brother wants to get straight and has a plan. He is moving forward. You are not part of the problem here, making excuses. Everyone is entitled to an attorney, and it would be foolish for your brother not to have one. I would do it. You can also tell your brother you expect to be paid back.

Not helping him with legal fees is an additional stressor that would work against his sobriety.