First world problems: swimming pool anxiety edition

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old daughter is pretty introverted and has social anxiety for which we just started therapy. She hates going to the pool this Summer because she's become very self-aware of the fact that kids her age are all playing together and not with their parents. Most of these kids are all very social with each other because they are on swim and/or dive team together. Even though my DD has a good friend who belongs to this pool but the friend is on swim team, so when she's there she's part of that whole pack and my DD becomes too intimidated to join her friend. Just looking for commiseration here. I've kind of written off the pool this summer and am thinking that next summer, if things aren't dramatically different, we'll join a different pool that isn't as full of kids from our school so DD can feel more relaxed there. In the meantime, any thoughts, advice, etc?

[Anonymous]

My son is similar. We have belonged to the same pool for 4 years and my son has never made a friend. Most of the kids know each other from swim team or similar schools and run in 'packs' that don't need a stranger.
My son is good about playing alone, and I make a point of getting in and playing with him. Also, I have taught him the joy of reading at the pool, and he always remembers to take a book.
Another option would be to invite a friend along. We do that fairly often.

[Anonymous]

PP here, just wanted to add that your thought about joining a different pool might not work out as you hope because I've found that most have the same dynamic -- lots of kids who know each other from swim team. If you aren't on the swim team, you are the odd man out, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is similar. We have belonged to the same pool for 4 years and my son has never made a friend. Most of the kids know each other from swim team or similar schools and run in 'packs' that don't need a stranger.
My son is good about playing alone, and I make a point of getting in and playing with him. Also, I have taught him the joy of reading at the pool, and he always remembers to take a book.
Another option would be to invite a friend along. We do that fairly often.

Us, too. He has tried, but the kids really aren't looking for anyone extra. Best thing to do is bring another kid as a guest so they can play.

[Anonymous]

I like to take our son to the pool in the late afternoon when it's cleared out a bit. A lot of families head home for dinner, etc. It's easier for him to have fun alone or with us and he has occasionally found other kids to play with.

[Anonymous]

Same here, OP. My son is only 8 though. Very gregarious and outgoing, but he can never seem to join into other kids' games. Makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I would also recommend bring a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old daughter is pretty introverted and has social anxiety for which we just started therapy. She hates going to the pool this Summer because she's become very self-aware of the fact that kids her age are all playing together and not with their parents. Most of these kids are all very social with each other because they are on swim and/or dive team together. Even though my DD has a good friend who belongs to this pool but the friend is on swim team, so when she's there she's part of that whole pack and my DD becomes too intimidated to join her friend. Just looking for commiseration here. I've kind of written off the pool this summer and am thinking that next summer, if things aren't dramatically different, we'll join a different pool that isn't as full of kids from our school so DD can feel more relaxed there. In the meantime, any thoughts, advice, etc?

I also agree with others that say have your daughter bring a friend to the pool. She sounds like someone who likes to play one-on-one with others, there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't join a different pool next year, just go to the same one.

Also, my kids insist I come in when their friends aren't there, so some kids do play with their parents and it's just fine at age 10.

[Anonymous]

My DS is SN and can't handle the swim team, so we don't know a lot of neighborhood "pool" kids either. We have found that going after dinner for an hour or two is a lot easier socially-a lot more kids with working parents who have been in daycare or camp during the day and don't already have a 'pack' of friends to pal around with.

[Anonymous]

My DS is SN with some social anxiety but loves swim team. You don't have to be terribly social to join or great at swimming. There isn't a lot of talking when you're swimming in the water. We invite friends to the pool a lot or make plans with the few friends he has on the team.

[Anonymous]

My kids are the same except they have each other to play with. I feel bad they are not part of the swim team groups but I don't know that they mind.

[Anonymous]

My dd is on the swim team but shy like your dd. She does not like going to the pool other than for practice and meets. It bothered me at first but I'm over it now. On the bright side, I no longer have to go bake in the hot sun anymore. It truly is overrated. We keep busy doing camps and enrichment activities and just hanging out as a family. You just need to accept her as she is. Very liberating.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the responses. DD has always been adamantly against joining the swim team and I could completely understand why it would terrify her. In terms of inviting friends, we do do that sometimes but reaching out to a friend is also sometimes hard for her. The reason I was thinking we might join a different pool is that there's another one close to us that one of her good friends belongs to, but not many other kids from our school go to. I don't think her issue at our current pool is that she doesn't do swim team while others do; it's that she sees so many girls from her grade all hanging out together and she doesn't have the confidence to join in. At this other pool, she wouldn't feel quite so outside, you know? Anyway, it's moot until next summer but just something I was thinking about. Not to mention that the other pool costs about half as much for a membership as ours, and if she is going to feel anxious and not want to go, I'd rather not flush all this money down the drain next summer.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'd consider doing a social skills group with her if interacting with her peers can give her this much anxiety. Also if reaching out to a friend to get together is hard already, make the get-together at your home or some place that's much less stressful than the pool.

[Anonymous]

It's up to you how you feel about the pool.
Issues at the pool will change now as the girls start getting on all their different growth tracks.
My 13 DS is the introvert. We bring a book. I tell him we have to come to the pool for his extroverted brother. Because otherwise the extrovert would drive us crazy needing us.
Are there other siblings?
But, I agree that I like Sunday afternoons and evenings at the pool. Ours also runs an August only membership. Would a part-time pool work for you?