First world problems: swimming pool anxiety edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the responses. DD has always been adamantly against joining the swim team and I could completely understand why it would terrify her. In terms of inviting friends, we do do that sometimes but reaching out to a friend is also sometimes hard for her. The reason I was thinking we might join a different pool is that there's another one close to us that one of her good friends belongs to, but not many other kids from our school go to. I don't think her issue at our current pool is that she doesn't do swim team while others do; it's that she sees so many girls from her grade all hanging out together and she doesn't have the confidence to join in. At this other pool, she wouldn't feel quite so outside, you know? Anyway, it's moot until next summer but just something I was thinking about. Not to mention that the other pool costs about half as much for a membership as ours, and if she is going to feel anxious and not want to go, I'd rather not flush all this money down the drain next summer.

OP, good for you for being sensitive to her issues right now and not forcing the pool time on her this summer.

Unless she truly likes the water and swimming for its own sake--why join a pool next summer either? If she just likes to get in the water once in a while, there are some great county rec center pools where she won't know anyone and there isn't the mass of swim-team kids who are there day after day all summer. As regards community pool memberships, maybe that money can be spent on an activity she would like more and at which there would not be the "pack" problem (which is going to happen at most pools, as others have noted above). She might do better with her anxiety at a different kind of setting where it's not so very apparent that she's the one left out. Starting at some new activity where everyone is new all together could help.

Examples: Does she like to do art? Art class, there are lots in this area, in summers and during the school year. (And it's a quieter pursuit -- my friend's anxious DD loves art and thrives in drawing, painting or crafting classes because sometimes the kids chat but if they get busy no one expects you to talk much. She interacts with the other kids for sure, but it's a less noisy, frenetic environment.). Does she like to write? There are kids' writing camps and classes. If she needs to be active, look into an individual sport like golf or tennis, and arrange for a friend with whom she feels comfortable maybe to take some lessons with her with a teacher who's low-stress and emphasizes having fun. I know that as you post above "reaching out to a friend is also sometimes hard for her," but since she has anxiety, maybe you need to do the reaching out to the friend's parents (after talking with your daughter, of course). Nothing wrong with that at this point, if it helps her get going on a pursuit that takes her out of herself and interests her.

Maybe her therapist would be able to help you draw her out about what activities she really would like to try. If she's anxious she may be reluctant to speak up and say "I would really rather do X" if she thinks the family pool membership is just "what we've always done in the summer." (To her, even a couple of summers might seem like "always" and a tradition.) She might need to know that she can try something new and it's OK. I find that many kids this age, even those without anxiety, often tend to have the idea that what the family has "always" done is set in stone somehow, and it's helpful to make clear to them that they get some choice, and it's fine to take a break from something that the family or the kid has done for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's up to you how you feel about the pool.
Issues at the pool will change now as the girls start getting on all their different growth tracks.
My 13 DS is the introvert. We bring a book. I tell him we have to come to the pool for his extroverted brother. Because otherwise the extrovert would drive us crazy needing us.
Are there other siblings?
But, I agree that I like Sunday afternoons and evenings at the pool. Ours also runs an August only membership. Would a part-time pool work for you?

I think there's a difference between being an introvert and having social anxiety or feeling like you don't fit in. It's one thing if a kid is happy to entertain themselves with a book quite another when they like they don't belong socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's up to you how you feel about the pool.
Issues at the pool will change now as the girls start getting on all their different growth tracks.
My 13 DS is the introvert. We bring a book. I tell him we have to come to the pool for his extroverted brother. Because otherwise the extrovert would drive us crazy needing us.
Are there other siblings?
But, I agree that I like Sunday afternoons and evenings at the pool. Ours also runs an August only membership. Would a part-time pool work for you?

I think there's a difference between being an introvert and having social anxiety or feeling like you don't fit in. It's one thing if a kid is happy to entertain themselves with a book quite another when they like they don't belong socially.

Not on this board. its ALWAYS conflated.
I'm married to a very classically introverted DH. he's not shy, he's not socially awkward, he doesn't have anxiety and he actually does like being in groups of friends for various activities- he just also needs more downtime and alone time to unwind than I would ever need. Introvert and extrovert are often used as almost cartoonish labels nowadays!

[Anonymous]

We're dealing with this too. Even the neighbor kids who are always at our house during the school year have been MIA as their social needs are being met, and then some, through the swim team. My DD pretty much swims by herself and she feels to timid to initiate with other kids - though the few times she has, she's mostly ignored. It's just the nature of swim team season.

[Anonymous]

I don't think her issue at our current pool is that she doesn't do swim team while others do; it's that she sees so many girls from her grade all hanging out together and she doesn't have the confidence to join in.

If that is the issue, isn't she facing many of the same problems at school?

[Anonymous]

PP here and OP, I wish you belonged to our pool so our DD's could play together. It sounds like they would be very compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think her issue at our current pool is that she doesn't do swim team while others do; it's that she sees so many girls from her grade all hanging out together and she doesn't have the confidence to join in.

If that is the issue, isn't she facing many of the same problems at school?

OP here. No, thankfully at school this doesn't appear to be an issue. She does much better socially when she's in regimented situations, like school or camp. And I totally agree with the PPs who made the distinction between social anxiety and introversion. She's somewhat of an introvert but also really does like to be social, when she's in a place - mentally and physically - that feels safe to her.