DH disappointed.. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My MIL and I don't have the best relationship.

Everything was great until we had our 1st baby. It is respectful but honestly her comments are sometimes annoying. She is pushy and nosy..
In-laws live on the west coast.

DH is disappointed that we don't have the best relationship.

Any advice is welcome... I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He does have a good relationship with my parents.

TIA!

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

OP here.
His only sister decided not to have kids. So all the burden is on us. SIL is great with LO.

[Anonymous]

What kind of relationship is he looking for you to have? Are there specific things he thinks you're doing to contribute to a poor relationship? You can't control your MIL, you can't make her into someone you want to be close to, but you can control your role in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and I don't have the best relationship.

Everything was great until we had our 1st baby. It is respectful but honestly her comments are sometimes annoying. She is pushy and nosy..
In-laws live on the west coast.

DH is disappointed that we don't have the best relationship.

Any advice is welcome... I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He does have a good relationship with my parents.

TIA!

Are there simple things you can do to help? Do you send her pictures? Are your kids old enough to talk on the phone/facetime/skype? Or, ask her to read to your kid(s) over the phone. Make it ALL about your kid(s). Communicate with her regularly...BUT ABOUT THE KIDS. See where this is going?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I understand what you mean by all of the burden is on you since your SIL doesn't have kids?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is welcome to his feelings. You are welcome to yours. IMO- you have a respectful relationship with ILs who live on the other side of the country. I'm not sure what more he's looking for. I'd ask what he'd like to improve and how he'd like to improve it. Be open to change but let him know what you're not comfortable with.

But most people are lucky to have a respectful relationship with their ILs. Especially when they're 2000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

What's your husband doing? Is he expecting you to be point person with his parents?

[Anonymous]

Is he expecting you to be responsible for all social interaction with his mother? i.e. calling, sending cards, sending photos, etc.?

[Anonymous]

16:04 had the same question I have. DH should be the one reaching out to his mother with pictures, calls, etc. Why put it on you?

[Anonymous]

Do you mean "we" like yourself and MIL, or "we" like you and your DH and MIL?

He should be doing the bulk of the relationship maintenance work. No more is it considered the woman's responsibility. BUT, if he is doing that, she may think you don't like her because in her generation the DIL would be more proactive and the son would slack.

[Anonymous]

I am sure people can not fake a whole lot of closeness with anyone if they do not feel it. However, in any relationship small courtesies can go a long way to result in some genuine feelings of goodwill developing.

For example, you can call your ILs once a week and fill them in about their grandkids, Wish them on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, send them pictures and videos of their grandkids, inquire how they are doing etc.

When they visit, make sure that their stay in pleasant to the extent possible by being warm and hospitable rather than trying to strive for perfection. Make sure that your DH is an equal partner in such interactions and you welcome them as a couple.

If we are kind, thoughtful and polite to strangers then we can do the same for ILs.

[Anonymous]

We went through the same thing. My DH is an only child (his brother was killed in a car accident at age 23) and I know his parents were expecting his wife would be the DD they never had. That was NOT my expectation. I respect them, I am dutiful and welcome their interactions with our kids (they're great grandparents) but I don't feel close emotional bonds with them. My MIL (a very nice woman) and I are very different and don't have much in common except our love for my DH and our kids. Even before we had kids, it was a problem for my DH. "Everyone LOVES my parents, why don't you?" The implication was that there was something wrong with me. It was actually a discussion in one (no, several) of our relationship counseling sessions.

In essence, as PPs have noted, feelings cannot be forced. You have a right to feel the way you do and you can only control your actions. It may not be the relationship your ILs want but that is for them to deal with. Also, you should not be the steward of the relationship with your ILs. That's your DH's job. His family, his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

If someone is a kind and generally good person, I think it is the obligation of a DIL or SIL to foster a relationship with that individual. It is part of being married and interacting with family. Of course it needs to be reciprocated but I don't buy this attitude that some PPs are trying to foster.

Heck, I develop a closeness with neighbors and colleagues at work who are genuinely nice. So why would a MIL, FIL, SIL or BIL deserve any less?

[Anonymous]

Husband aside for a second, what kind of relationship do you want with MIL? Figure out what you want. Do you want to talk on the phone once a week? Several times a week? Email or text every day? Or just see them a few times a year?