DH disappointed.. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Could you give more specifics? Some of what she says is annoying and nosy - okay, I get that, my MIL does that too, but what mother, or parent, doesn't also do that? I'm still on good terms with my parents and my ILs despite that, and I'm sure they could complain of some occasionally annoying habits I have as well.

I'm sure you have reason to be posting this, so I think we just need more detail to understand whether there is actually a problem you need to resolve with your MIL, or if this is just run of the mill normal annoyance that you're bound to experience with any family members and perhaps your husband just needs you to find some one else to vent to when it comes to his mother.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I am not sure what is exactly bothering me. I guess its that she wants to force the relationship with our 1.5 year old. She doesn't do things to attract his attention and interact with him. She just forces the "play".
She calls our son names that I don't like. She visits and likes to know everything about our living. She is always talking about how good DH and SIL were as kids. Anything our son does is EXACTLY what DH did as a kid. I am not sure what is it but it is so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing. My DH is an only child (his brother was killed in a car accident at age 23) and I know his parents were expecting his wife would be the DD they never had. That was NOT my expectation. I respect them, I am dutiful and welcome their interactions with our kids (they're great grandparents) but I don't feel close emotional bonds with them. My MIL (a very nice woman) and I are very different and don't have much in common except our love for my DH and our kids. Even before we had kids, it was a problem for my DH. "Everyone LOVES my parents, why don't you?" The implication was that there was something wrong with me. It was actually a discussion in one (no, several) of our relationship counseling sessions.

In essence, as PPs have noted, feelings cannot be forced. You have a right to feel the way you do and you can only control your actions. It may not be the relationship your ILs want but that is for them to deal with. Also, you should not be the steward of the relationship with your ILs. That's your DH's job. His family, his responsibility.

Thanks! this is helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am not sure what is exactly bothering me. I guess its that she wants to force the relationship with our 1.5 year old. She doesn't do things to attract his attention and interact with him. She just forces the "play".
She calls our son names that I don't like. She visits and likes to know everything about our living. She is always talking about how good DH and SIL were as kids. Anything our son does is EXACTLY what DH did as a kid. I am not sure what is it but it is so annoying.

MIL did this to us a lot too.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's trying to have a relationship with you and her grandson. Maybe it's not clicking on a personality level for you, but none of what you've described sounds offensive or mean spirited. Given that she sounds like she's making a sincere effort, could you try to find something that you like talking to her about and put some effort into that? If your MIL keeps trying to reach out, isn't being hurtful, and all of it is getting shut down, then yes, I can see why your husband is disappointed. I would be too.

[Anonymous]

This is run of the mill annoying.

Don't answer questions you don't want to answer.

Is she calling him a weird nickname? Soon enough DS will be old enough to correct her if he doesn't like it.

As for the play part, be proactive and suggest things he is likely to enjoy. Go to a playground. Or let DH hang out with his mom when she is there and you go get a little time to yourself! Win-win.

My MIL annoyed the crap out of me the first year of our son's life. It took her awhile to adjust her expectations based on her life to how our lives actually are. It has gotten better. But it took DH speaking up for us and being the point person for his mom. If I had had to deal with her issues directly, it would have been much worse. Remind DH that he needs to take the lead when it comes to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am not sure what is exactly bothering me. I guess its that she wants to force the relationship with our 1.5 year old. She doesn't do things to attract his attention and interact with him. She just forces the "play".
She calls our son names that I don't like. She visits and likes to know everything about our living. She is always talking about how good DH and SIL were as kids. Anything our son does is EXACTLY what DH did as a kid. I am not sure what is it but it is so annoying.

MIL did this to us a lot too.

LOL -- this all grandparents. My parents do, my husband's too. It's normal -- it's part of the bonding process with the grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is welcome to his feelings. You are welcome to yours. IMO- you have a respectful relationship with ILs who live on the other side of the country. I'm not sure what more he's looking for. I'd ask what he'd like to improve and how he'd like to improve it. Be open to change but let him know what you're not comfortable with.

But most people are lucky to have a respectful relationship with their ILs. Especially when they're 2000 miles away.

Its much easier to have a respectful relationship when you live far away. It's challenging when they live close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am not sure what is exactly bothering me. I guess its that she wants to force the relationship with our 1.5 year old. She doesn't do things to attract his attention and interact with him. She just forces the "play".
She calls our son names that I don't like. She visits and likes to know everything about our living. She is always talking about how good DH and SIL were as kids. Anything our son does is EXACTLY what DH did as a kid. I am not sure what is it but it is so annoying.

MIL did this to us a lot too.

LOL -- this all grandparents. My parents do, my husband's too. It's normal -- it's part of the bonding process with the grandchild.

MIL does this too, actually all of it and it annoys me. But if I'm honest with myself....it wouldn't annoy me as much as it does if it were my own mother doing these things.