How to handle this situation diplomatically
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Anonymous
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Last year I reconnected with my ex-father and mother in law. I have had a rocky relationship with my ex for years now, due to some violence in our marriage and some drug issues, which led to our divorce five years ago. I have full custody of our two sons, ages 15 and 13. Their father will occasionally visit with them, but generally stays out of their life.
Anyway, two years ago my ex-parents in law reached out to me, saying that they wanted a relationship with their only grand kids, so we started getting together every once and a while. Around a year ago, I started letting grandma and grandpa supervise the kids after school, as a single parent I thought it would be helpful to know that the kids were being supervised and the kids loved spending time with their grandparents. Anyway, the problem is that both ex-in laws are quite obese and eat incredibly unhealthily. Always have, but lately it has started to effect my kid' seating habits. I always cook dinner and we have a sit down dinner at my house, but it's becoming common that grandma or grandpa took them to the drive through, or for Chinese food, or simply just fed them lots of snacks, and my kids will announce they are not hungry. To make matters worse, I often invite the ex-in laws over for this meal, and they often, no matter what they ate previously, will eat a second dinner, which is a bad example to set if you ask me. I've tried to talk to the I laws, but whenever I try and bring up anything related to weight they get incredibly defensive. I mean I know they have always had an awful relationship with food, but I am at the end of my rope. Thing is, I have noticed how my DSs have changed over the year, and especially the older son has gained a noticeable amount of weight. I don't want them to lose their relationship with their grandparents, but I am about at the point where I'm going to have to end the after school visits unless DCUM has any ideas to address this problem. |
Anonymous
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Talk more to your boys about their grandparents unhealthy eating habits and use the grandparents as the example of what could easily happen to them. Knowledge is power. Also make sure your boys are engaged in physical activity every day.
There is nothing good that can come from discussing this with the grandparents except in terms of how you would prefer your boys to eat. |
Anonymous
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You don't have to address your ILs weight in order to ask that the afterschool snacks be limited to X, Y, or Z. We have limits on when snacks can be had and what they should be too, but that has nothing to do with the health status of the person providing the snack.
Try to take that angle - that your sons' appetite for dinner is being ruined, that you are trying to maintain a healthy habit of eating dinner together, and that snacks in your house can include, XYZ up until such & such hour. Thank them for spending so much time with your kids and couch it with a lot of appreciation. |
Anonymous
| Tell them to only give the kids a snakc only after school because the kids arent hungry for supper. Tell them the kids have gained weight and you need to be careful. Keep it about the kids weight not theirs. |
Anonymous
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OP, your kids are 13 and 15. They're old enough that they could understand it if you talk with them about this -- but they're also at ages where they very possibly won't care, or will tune you out, or if they just like all the food, they'll say, "Right, mom" and then do whatever the grandparents propose in terms of getting some Chinese food or whatever.....
Are the grandparents picking them up from school or activities, and then since they're all in the car, the car ends up in a drive-through? Can you find other transportation from school or activity back to where the grandparents await. That eliminates the immediate temptation to head for a drive-through. Are the grandparents watching the kids at your house or at theirs? I wasn't quite clear on that but it sounds like it's at your house--?? If it's at their place, you need to change it to your own house, where at least you can know what's in the pantry (and can ensure you don't buy anything junky so it's not even in the house) and you know what you left in the fridge that day so you're aware if it's vanishing before dinner. If it's already at your place, and the issue is going out for food, you need to talk with the grandparents and say you're asking that the trips for food between school and dinner just stop altogether. Don't bring up their own obesity; they are adults and likely are more aware of it than you realize, so make it about "The kids' appetites for dinner seem to be affected, so I"m asking this of you." Then put specific snacks for after school/before dinner period in containers in the fridge, labeled if need be, and tell your kids that you're starting a new routine where that's what they eat. At 15 and 13, the kids should have activities. If the grandparents are in OK health, are safe drivers, etc., what about ending the "looking after" arrangement and instead having the grandparents do things like take the kids to their activities after school once a week only, or join you and the kids for an outing on a weekend day once a month as well? Do your kids need someone to supervise? Is your older child able to do it, or do the kids bicker enough that you really want an adult around at times (I get that, it's the case with several friends' kids these ages--mature enough to be home alone but not to stay out of each others' space). Start taking your kids with you to grocery shop and let them make choices. Start letting them cook and teach them about cooking healthy meals. Do not harp on their weight or their eating except to emphasize balance and a diet that isn't heavy in starches and sweets and fake junk in sodas etc. If they're kids who would be into this and enjoy it, try having one or both of them make a food budget for a month and decide how to spend it while sticking to some guidelines about vegetables and fruit etc. Are both your boys in some kind of regular physical activity? If so, ramp it up if they're getting heavier, if you possibly can. If not, find something they like, anything. If there's a trusted coach or uncle or mentor they would listen to, have that person talk to them about the importance of staying healthy now so they don't have to fight for it later. But don't have this person let on that you're behind the talk or the boys will just hear mom's voice again. But none of that has to do with grandma and grandpa. I would not make this about the grandparents, in front of the kids. And please don't make this, as the saying goes, "the hill you die on." Yes, the grandparents are not good role models in terms of one thing -- eating habits. But they sought you out because they wanted to know your children, and you don't mention any other issues you have with them other than this one. Please don't cut them out of the kids' lives over just this. That would be an overreaction, truly, if they are being helpful and kind and model good behavior for your kids otherwise. There are things you can do, and changing the type of time the grandparents spend with the kids seems like one good route, but I wouldn't make this a do-or-die condition of their seeing your children. |
Anonymous
| Pick your battles. Have them exercise more. A relationship with your family is a priority. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I get you, and my in-laws are similar... except that if it's only infrequently does it matter? With my little ones we call processed crap "sometimes" food vs. "never" food/ |
Anonymous
| I would maybe allow one free day a week where anything goes but otherwise limit and explain why....that you want them to have dinner at the table together and when they eat too much after school they don't want dinner and miss that family time. I'm not sure it would work to completely eliminate all treats. Also tell the boys straight up they are old enough to self regulate and have one smack vs gorging to the pint they aren't hungry at dinner. Put it on the boys to stop and tell them if they don't change and stop eating crap and start eating dinner you'll end the opportunity to spend that time with their grandparents. |
Anonymous
Weight is far more about what you eat than it is about exercise |
Anonymous
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Why do 13 & 15 year olds need to be supervised after school? My son is 14 and was in sports after school or went to the library.
Cut out the afternoon "supervision" and get the kids involved in after school activities. Invite the grandparents over for a weekly dinner instead of the after school supervision/fast food runs. |
Anonymous
+1000 |
Anonymous
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Be careful, because if your children are not closely bonded with you they can very well tune you out. 1. I would scale back on grandparent time, even though as a single parent it's certainly a useful break for you. Don't talk to them about it, they can't change. 2. And I would lecture on healthy weight and nutrition at home. |
Anonymous
This. Thy certainly don't need babysitters anymore. Have them play a sport or do something active after school. I am not particularly athletic but my parents insisted I play on a school sports team every semester so I would get exercise after school. What do your ex ILs say when you ask them not to get your kids fast food? It is a very reasonable request. Tell them dinner is at 6 and you have xyz heathy snacks available for after school but no fast food at all and no snacks after 5. Their weight has nothing to do with it so don't bring it up, it's none of your business if they want to have McDonald's and then eat at your house, as long as your kids aren't eating mcdonalds. If they refuse to comply with this request, end the after school arrangement and just have them over for dinner or other activities. |
Anonymous
| Another option could be you just scale back their visits to once a week and assume they will eat dinner with the ex ILs. One crappy fast food meal a week won't be a problem if the rest of their meals and snacks are healthy and they are getting some exercise every day. |